I don't know what happened here. Personality 180?

I'm currently not in a good mental state to say much, but here's a heads up on the situation...

http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic113713.html

aliveatnight wrote:I'm currently not in a good mental state to say much, but here's a heads up on the situation...

http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic113713.html

No worries, Samantha. I commented on your post and thought it might make you feel a bit better. Hang in there. That argument with your boyfriend is gonna blow over and things will be alright. He's probably not going anywhere, I'll bet he's just temporarily upset. Like I said, that's the pinprick, the defensive reaction. Arguments are always most intense just as they're happening and right after.

Give it until tomorrow or the day after and I'll bet everything will be alright.

Yes, once thing calmed down everything progressed just fine. I'm exhausted from little sleep, but other than that I just want to change the problem that always triggers these fights.

tenbenny wrote:Me, too. I'll keep my fingers crossed. At least they're over and done with. No one likes taking exams, do they?

You're right about that!

tenbenny wrote:I'm glad, too. I've lived in my city here (Los Angeles) for almost 15 years and haven't had any significant accidents. I'd love to try to keep it that way, lol. I do generally try to be a responsible sort of guy out here, but still, I'd like to keep life calm and orderly if possible. This is a locale that will really test a person's resolve/strength in all sorts of ways.

I hear you on that. The less drama crap, the better. Unfortunately, sometimes our life can be thrown through a loop simply because of other people. Which is a little fact of life that I absolutely hate.

tenbenny wrote:e honest, driving can be a lot of fun, but it can also be a big hassle. The traffic around here has gotten so much worse over the last several years or so. There actually *is* a nice sense of freedom and relief that comes with not worrying about doing it and dealing with the roads or other drivers, or traffic. I think growing up in my household, my parents were very protective. Seemed a little overly cautious about certain things in life. I might be a lot tougher today had I not been instilled with that mindset. I feel like only *now* am I becoming more ferocious (as in dynamic) as a personality. In your case, that concern might even be something that will evaporate in time. I've heard cases where people didn't even start to drive until they were 30 or 40. I bet you'll get the inkling to learn at *some* point. I was halfway terrified myself when I first learned while I was in high school.

For me, it doesn't help that my parents give me an insanely hard time about it, but then refuse to teach me. It makes everything that much harder. I hope it gets easier, because impulsive driving is never a good thing.

tenbenny wrote:Her birthday party was very cool. Only a few people showed up, but I had several of her friends laughing all night. She mentioned wanting to get back home again and I felt even more torn about her gift. I might just offer it up anyway. Who knows if she could even get out of work to travel in order to use it. If I do it, I just won't expect anything from that. I feel like maybe I'd be honoring *me* as much as I would *her*. These tickets were intended for her, and I can't deny that I would feel so good for her to be able to go, or even just from seeing her reaction at the surprise. Just because I care about her deeply and really like her on some level. It's a gamble, and to what end, I'm not sure. But maybe I can firm up and do it for the potential of that being its own reward.

I'm glad the party went well! At this point, I would say yeah, do it. See what she does. It's a gamble, and it's better to try and fail, than to never have tried at all. You've got the right mindset for doing it, so I believe it should all play out well.

tenbenny wrote:I think the good thing is that people who know you well understand why you might say something that would sound harsh to someone else. You've got that leeway which is good and surely must help some. I don't really believe that someone could say something that couldn't be undone. People *do* say bad things to people. Everyone does it. We all just have to allow the trauma not to dry like wet cement. Being a self-aware person, you know what that's all about, why it happens. You're not saying you *like* doing it, it's just the reaction that comes sometimes. My brother tried to push me down some stairs and choke me out a few months ago. He's older than me. He won't confront who he is, get any help for anger issues that cause a problem for our parents. He doesn't even think much about what makes him tick, something you clearly do. You... you're clearly a very thoughtful individual who struggles with certain emotions from time to time. But I do that, too. The struggle is a journey to someplace good.

Oh my god! That's horrible! Although when I was younger, back when my anger was out of control, I used to be the s*** out of my brother because he would set me off. I went through that phase, and now that I'm self aware, I want to fix these problems. I never wanted to be a bad person. I can't imagine many people who would want that. And I can't wait for the struggle to be done, and to finally be in that safe place.

tenbenny wrote:I agree with what you say about people confronting themselves. My friend, for example. She seems so sure of herself, who she is. But I don't know. I told somebody recently that I have to remember that just because someone appears to have a normal(ish) life and sounds clearheaded, like they're on the ball, doesn't mean they've got it together.

Oh no. To most people, I come off as someone who's perfectly fine, but dig deeper and I've got my fair share of problems. I always wonder what people are hiding underneath the exterior, what truly goes on in their mind.

aliveatnight wrote:Yes, once thing calmed down everything progressed just fine. I'm exhausted from little sleep, but other than that I just want to change the problem that always triggers these fights.

tenbenny wrote:Me, too. I'll keep my fingers crossed. At least they're over and done with. No one likes taking exams, do they?

You're right about that!

I understand the exhaustion. The mind will tire a person out for sure. We're all just looking for a little peace of mind, aren't we? Hey, enjoy the glow of getting through your exams. Kick back and relax. At least you can feel happy about hearing from your boyfriend. It's always nice to be told you're loved by the one you want loving you. I'm really glad all is good on that front.

aliveatnight wrote:I hear you on that. The less drama crap, the better. Unfortunately, sometimes our life can be thrown through a loop simply because of other people. Which is a little fact of life that I absolutely hate.

Yes, I'm trying to roll with the unpredictability of life. I feel worse and worse lately. My mom and I had an argument when I called her for Mother's Day. She basically thinks I'll never be hired anywhere again. When I gave her some good news on another front, she immediately poo poo'd it. Sometimes I think I just can't win with her.

aliveatnight wrote:For me, it doesn't help that my parents give me an insanely hard time about it, but then refuse to teach me. It makes everything that much harder. I hope it gets easier, because impulsive driving is never a good thing.

It will. It will. They should teach you. Ideally, they should be happy to do it, although now that I think about it, if they tend to push your buttons, maybe you don't want *them* being your instructors. You want be as relaxed as possible while learning out there. I think you'll be a good driver when all is said and done. It's not as crazy as you think.

aliveatnight wrote:I'm glad the party went well! At this point, I would say yeah, do it. See what she does. It's a gamble, and it's better to try and fail, than to never have tried at all. You've got the right mindset for doing it, so I believe it should all play out well.

Man, I'm nervous. I told her to hit me up this week, but I'm not really expecting to get a communication from her end. If I feel up to e-mailing her or calling her, I will, tomorrow, even though I'd rather not as always initiate, as I mentioned in an earlier reply here. I'll probably slyly just ask with a smile, "Would you like your birthday surprise now?" or something like that. I bet she'll like it, or at least really appreciate the gesture. It certainly will be a surprise, because days later, she's not expecting it. What I'm hoping is that it doesn't cause any kind of suspicious reaction. I'm not a person that has angles. I'm not looking for anything to happen from this, I just want to show that I really care. I need to have a backbone of steel on this one. I'm gonna try not to get hurt, which means I'm gonna get hurt, lol.

It's funny, what I've always heard my whole life about the ladies that when they're done with you, they're just *done*. Mind's made up. Even though I don't know *exactly* what I want with her, I do know that I don't want her to firmly just make up her mind about what the future might be. Who knows? Who can say? I just don't feel like I have any hand in this game, and I know that on some level she probably still senses that I want some sort of closeness. It's still kind of hard to gauge what she's doing with me in her orbit. Friends are either encouraging me or telling me to stay away... it runs the gamut and I'm so confused, hahaha.

What do you really think, Samantha? Is there any way to really make what I have with her into *something* special, whatever it is? Will she ever really go, "My god, this is really an amazing person and I want to go back to spending more time with him"? Maybe I'm just a fool.

aliveatnight wrote:Oh my god! That's horrible! Although when I was younger, back when my anger was out of control, I used to be the s*** out of my brother because he would set me off. I went through that phase, and now that I'm self aware, I want to fix these problems. I never wanted to be a bad person. I can't imagine many people who would want that. And I can't wait for the struggle to be done, and to finally be in that safe place.

Samantha, from all the chatter we've done on this thread, I doubt you could ever be a bad person. You *will* get to that place you seek. It's within reach. You went through a phase and decided to move on from that. That's true strength of character. My family has not. My brother needs help, but he refuses to get it. I told him if that was the case, he would get a limited amount of trust from me, because I don't need to be physically accosted again. I use my words, I don't yell at anybody and I don't insult anybody. It's his issue, and I absolutely know that.

aliveatnight wrote:Oh no. To most people, I come off as someone who's perfectly fine, but dig deeper and I've got my fair share of problems. I always wonder what people are hiding underneath the exterior, what truly goes on in their mind.

But you're human. And you own up to and talk about your problems. I think you're an honest soul. Most rational people expect that there's more going on under the surface of others. I don't know what's worse sometimes, the people that hide the crazy or the people that put it out there (not that I'm saying either of us are crazy). I feel like I can trust someone that's self-aware, although the poet Maya Angelou once said about sketchy people, "If someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time."

Someone also once told me that if everyone knew what we all thought, not many of us would have friends or be out of jail, lol. The mind is one's own playground. My former therapist told me, "If you think something... so what?" And that's what I say. So what? Thoughts never hurt anybody. It's the people that try to keep their issues from becoming other people's issues that I can respect. They're really trying hard to make sure their problems never become anyone else's. I try to do that and I'm sure you do, too.

I think I'd rather be a trusting person. It gets me hurt sometimes, but I feel like I'd rather trust than go through life being wary of everybody.

Sorry it took a bit to answer. I had an absolutely awful day yesterday. We fought again, he disappeared for a while, everything was fine, we fought again, he nearly left me and this morning he was apologizing and saying how much he loved me and that he was agitated and that he wished he could control it because he wants to be with me. I know better than to ever judge someone by their reaction to their emotions, especially when I know that's not the real person. He's also bipolar, so I know that it's hard sometimes to control it. I'm not mad or anything. I never am. I'm just thankful that everything is ok.

tenbenny wrote:I understand the exhaustion. The mind will tire a person out for sure. We're all just looking for a little peace of mind, aren't we? Hey, enjoy the glow of getting through your exams. Kick back and relax. At least you can feel happy about hearing from your boyfriend. It's always nice to be told you're loved by the one you want loving you. I'm really glad all is good on that front.

Oh it can be utterly exhausting. I'm thankful they're all done, now I just have to finish school until summer break. And it's an amazing feeling hearing it from him.

tenbenny wrote:Yes, I'm trying to roll with the unpredictability of life. I feel worse and worse lately. My mom and I had an argument when I called her for Mother's Day. She basically thinks I'll never be hired anywhere again. When I gave her some good news on another front, she immediately poo poo'd it. Sometimes I think I just can't win with her.

Ugh, that would drive me insane. I'm sorry things haven't been well for you. That's an awful thing for her to think, and she should have been happy for the good news. I'm amazed you deal with someone like that.

tenbenny wrote:It will. It will. They should teach you. Ideally, they should be happy to do it, although now that I think about it, if they tend to push your buttons, maybe you don't want *them* being your instructors. You want be as relaxed as possible while learning out there. I think you'll be a good driver when all is said and done. It's not as crazy as you think.

Their idea of teaching is making me drive down a road, screaming "turn" about 2 feet from the turn and then yelling at me if I don't stay perfectly in my lane. That's gonna get me so far

tenbenny wrote:Man, I'm nervous. I told her to hit me up this week, but I'm not really expecting to get a communication from her end. If I feel up to e-mailing her or calling her, I will, tomorrow, even though I'd rather not as always initiate, as I mentioned in an earlier reply here. I'll probably slyly just ask with a smile, "Would you like your birthday surprise now?" or something like that. I bet she'll like it, or at least really appreciate the gesture. It certainly will be a surprise, because days later, she's not expecting it. What I'm hoping is that it doesn't cause any kind of suspicious reaction. I'm not a person that has angles. I'm not looking for anything to happen from this, I just want to show that I really care. I need to have a backbone of steel on this one. I'm gonna try not to get hurt, which means I'm gonna get hurt, lol.

It's funny, what I've always heard my whole life about the ladies that when they're done with you, they're just *done*. Mind's made up. Even though I don't know *exactly* what I want with her, I do know that I don't want her to firmly just make up her mind about what the future might be. Who knows? Who can say? I just don't feel like I have any hand in this game, and I know that on some level she probably still senses that I want some sort of closeness. It's still kind of hard to gauge what she's doing with me in her orbit. Friends are either encouraging me or telling me to stay away... it runs the gamut and I'm so confused, hahaha.

What do you really think, Samantha? Is there any way to really make what I have with her into *something* special, whatever it is? Will she ever really go, "My god, this is really an amazing person and I want to go back to spending more time with him"? Maybe I'm just a fool.

I hope it all works out. Man, that sounds really final. No room for openness? I know I've done that to people...but I would hope that's not common because it's pretty black and white. It's very possible, it just takes time. She could be afraid of it (I know I was at first), she could feel she doesn't deserve it (again...I was), and she could be struggling to figure her own thoughts/feelings out as well. And she answered and things seem to be going as well as they could be, which is a good sign. If she's anything like me, if she was truly done you never would have heard from her again, and especially not nicely.

tenbenny wrote:Samantha, from all the chatter we've done on this thread, I doubt you could ever be a bad person. You *will* get to that place you seek. It's within reach. You went through a phase and decided to move on from that. That's true strength of character. My family has not. My brother needs help, but he refuses to get it. I told him if that was the case, he would get a limited amount of trust from me, because I don't need to be physically accosted again. I use my words, I don't yell at anybody and I don't insult anybody. It's his issue, and I absolutely know that.

It's good that you're able to see that for what it is. No one deserves to be physically treated bad.

tenbenny wrote:But you're human. And you own up to and talk about your problems. I think you're an honest soul. Most rational people expect that there's more going on under the surface of others. I don't know what's worse sometimes, the people that hide the crazy or the people that put it out there (not that I'm saying either of us are crazy). I feel like I can trust someone that's self-aware, although the poet Maya Angelou once said about sketchy people, "If someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time."

Someone also once told me that if everyone knew what we all thought, not many of us would have friends or be out of jail, lol. The mind is one's own playground. My former therapist told me, "If you think something... so what?" And that's what I say. So what? Thoughts never hurt anybody. It's the people that try to keep their issues from becoming other people's issues that I can respect. They're really trying hard to make sure their problems never become anyone else's. I try to do that and I'm sure you do, too.

I think I'd rather be a trusting person. It gets me hurt sometimes, but I feel like I'd rather trust than go through life being wary of everybody.

Your mind is the only safe place there is. And I can trust someone who is open to me, no matter what. I try to trust, but I get very wary at the same time. It's hard. I do try to keep things to myself. I hate bothering others with it.

You're what people call 'clingy.' I've never udnerstood why that's a bad thing, especially when everyone seems to pine away for more involved partners, but there it is. I approach relationships with a more aikido-like thing and give however much energy as received. If someone distances themselves I let them contact me if that's what they wanna do, or simply give up on things. No point desiring someone who moves away. If they wanted us they woulda pursued a more involved relationship, not left town.

aliveatnight wrote:Sorry it took a bit to answer. I had an absolutely awful day yesterday. We fought again, he disappeared for a while, everything was fine, we fought again, he nearly left me and this morning he was apologizing and saying how much he loved me and that he was agitated and that he wished he could control it because he wants to be with me. I know better than to ever judge someone by their reaction to their emotions, especially when I know that's not the real person. He's also bipolar, so I know that it's hard sometimes to control it. I'm not mad or anything. I never am. I'm just thankful that everything is ok.

You guys are so aware of each other's psychology, your individual situations. I think that's very helpful, in that you're both aware that you struggle with certain things and you both know what kind of reactions and interactions they end up causing at times. That's something really important in the moment, if and when things get heated, or afterwards. You can step back and understand either individually or together that it's not you, the *real* you, it's just an emotional thing that springs up and you can begin to get a cooler perspective. Then things are better. I feel like what this all means is that you guys are working with each other and in the process strengthening your relationship. It certainly sounds like you two genuinely love each other, which is probably why you're willing to go through these struggles together. You two seem to understand each other really well. I think it comes from a place of mutual empathy.

aliveatnight wrote:Oh it can be utterly exhausting. I'm thankful they're all done, now I just have to finish school until summer break. And it's an amazing feeling hearing it from him.

Congrats! I'm sure it is. Hopefully, it'll be a relaxing, enjoyable summer.

aliveatnight wrote:Ugh, that would drive me insane. I'm sorry things haven't been well for you. That's an awful thing for her to think, and she should have been happy for the good news. I'm amazed you deal with someone like that.

Well, my mom is a great lady at heart. I think she's just dealt with too much frustration of sorts over the last several years. I know the much sweeter, supportive version is still in there somewhere. I just don't want that love and support to be conditional upon me having some sort of great success. I'd love to have that success certainly, but in the interim, it would be nice for her to just take me as I am.

aliveatnight wrote:Their idea of teaching is making me drive down a road, screaming "turn" about 2 feet from the turn and then yelling at me if I don't stay perfectly in my lane. That's gonna get me so far

Oh, in that case, *definitely* look for someone else to be your driving instructor. It sounds like your parents' method will only freak you out to the point that you can never feel comfortable driving. With the right teacher, you'll get through it just fine and it'll be a calmer process.

aliveatnight wrote:I hope it all works out. Man, that sounds really final. No room for openness? I know I've done that to people...but I would hope that's not common because it's pretty black and white. It's very possible, it just takes time. She could be afraid of it (I know I was at first), she could feel she doesn't deserve it (again...I was), and she could be struggling to figure her own thoughts/feelings out as well. And she answered and things seem to be going as well as they could be, which is a good sign. If she's anything like me, if she was truly done you never would have heard from her again, and especially not nicely.

Well, I think she might be unsure of what's going on in certain aspects of her personal life. I'm not even sure what *I* want exactly, but I know I'd like to be one good *confusion-free* thing in her life.

She's been really effusive this week. Extremely friendly, chatty, playful. Talked about missing me, etc, etc. Almost to the point of making me wonder why, hahaha. I was thinking I might eventually see something very calm and slow going, you know gradual, but I'll just take it for what it is and nothing more. I'll see how she enjoys the surprise. If we can actually end up talking today or tomorrow that is.

aliveatnight wrote:It's good that you're able to see that for what it is. No one deserves to be physically treated bad.

Amen to that! Lol.

aliveatnight wrote:Your mind is the only safe place there is. And I can trust someone who is open to me, no matter what. I try to trust, but I get very wary at the same time. It's hard. I do try to keep things to myself. I hate bothering others with it.

I once saw an image on the internet that said, "80% of people don't care about your problems, and the other 20% are glad you have them." Ouch. Sounds kind of harsh, but that might be oddly true somehow. Still, there actually *are* some people in my life that I can actually trust completely%. Or at least 95% of the time. It's amazing to have a few people that really do have my back at all times, that I can tell anything to. It's such a rare thing in life, but it does come around. As you get older, you end up having people like that, people that you've known forever that are decent and care about you immensely. The good friendships and relationships only get sweeter with time.

Yes, I agree that openness is really key as well. It gets annoying trying to converse/go deeper with people that always want to be evasive, keep their distance. Great relationships are never about control. In a way, if anything, they're about relinquishing control and surrendering to that openness. That's the approach that really yields the best relationships and attracts the best caliber of people.

HesDeltanCaptain wrote:You're what people call 'clingy.' I've never udnerstood why that's a bad thing, especially when everyone seems to pine away for more involved partners, but there it is. I approach relationships with a more aikido-like thing and give however much energy as received. If someone distances themselves I let them contact me if that's what they wanna do, or simply give up on things. No point desiring someone who moves away. If they wanted us they woulda pursued a more involved relationship, not left town.

Lol, I think you're right. I generally try to strike a balance so I'm not little hugging someone like a piece of skintight clothing. I've never understood why people disparage closeness or involvement either when that's they claim to want. Then again, trying to figure out people will keep a person busy until the end of time.

You also have a good point about putting in as much you receive. I don't worry too much about it after a certain point. You can't control what someone else is gonna do or think. After a while, you can pretty much gather if something's going somewhere or nowhere. There's no sense in planning to hang around forever trying to make it happen.

Again, I apologize for how long this took. Crazy, emotional couple of days. But everything is fine now.

tenbenny wrote:You guys are so aware of each other's psychology, your individual situations. I think that's very helpful, in that you're both aware that you struggle with certain things and you both know what kind of reactions and interactions they end up causing at times. That's something really important in the moment, if and when things get heated, or afterwards. You can step back and understand either individually or together that it's not you, the *real* you, it's just an emotional thing that springs up and you can begin to get a cooler perspective. Then things are better. I feel like what this all means is that you guys are working with each other and in the process strengthening your relationship. It certainly sounds like you two genuinely love each other, which is probably why you're willing to go through these struggles together. You two seem to understand each other really well. I think it comes from a place of mutual empathy.

You're very right. We also found out what it is that causes me to do what I do so much. The "stupidity" problem, especially in speech is due to the Asperger's that I have. And being ADHD and bipolar can make it worse too. He has a lot to handle with me. I'm just glad he's so understanding.

tenbenny wrote:Well, my mom is a great lady at heart. I think she's just dealt with too much frustration of sorts over the last several years. I know the much sweeter, supportive version is still in there somewhere. I just don't want that love and support to be conditional upon me having some sort of great success. I'd love to have that success certainly, but in the interim, it would be nice for her to just take me as I am.

I don't think it's fair to only show affection over shallow things. I think if a person will be treated right, it needs to be unconditionally. But that's just me.

tenbenny wrote:Oh, in that case, *definitely* look for someone else to be your driving instructor. It sounds like your parents' method will only freak you out to the point that you can never feel comfortable driving. With the right teacher, you'll get through it just fine and it'll be a calmer process.

I'm gonna find someone eventually, it's just a huge pain to deal with them.

tenbenny wrote:Well, I think she might be unsure of what's going on in certain aspects of her personal life. I'm not even sure what *I* want exactly, but I know I'd like to be one good *confusion-free* thing in her life.

She's been really effusive this week. Extremely friendly, chatty, playful. Talked about missing me, etc, etc. Almost to the point of making me wonder why, hahaha. I was thinking I might eventually see something very calm and slow going, you know gradual, but I'll just take it for what it is and nothing more. I'll see how she enjoys the surprise. If we can actually end up talking today or tomorrow that is.

Be cautious of this. It's very weird, and this flipping personality would have me on edge. Just be wary. Let me know how the gift thing goes.

tenbenny wrote:I once saw an image on the internet that said, "80% of people don't care about your problems, and the other 20% are glad you have them." Ouch. Sounds kind of harsh, but that might be oddly true somehow. Still, there actually *are* some people in my life that I can actually trust completely%. Or at least 95% of the time. It's amazing to have a few people that really do have my back at all times, that I can tell anything to. It's such a rare thing in life, but it does come around. As you get older, you end up having people like that, people that you've known forever that are decent and care about you immensely. The good friendships and relationships only get sweeter with time.

Yes, I agree that openness is really key as well. It gets annoying trying to converse/go deeper with people that always want to be evasive, keep their distance. Great relationships are never about control. In a way, if anything, they're about relinquishing control and surrendering to that openness. That's the approach that really yields the best relationships and attracts the best caliber of people.

Wow, that's awful. I'm glad that there's people you can trust. I never really had people I could trust, but I'm not around good people. No, they're not. It's about equality and compromise. And I think that's what leads to the best relationships, no matter what.

aliveatnight wrote:Again, I apologize for how long this took. Crazy, emotional couple of days. But everything is fine now.

No problem. As long as you're alright, you know? You certainly don't have to apologize. Glad you were able to take care of yourself and that things are fine.

aliveatnight wrote:You're very right. We also found out what it is that causes me to do what I do so much. The "stupidity" problem, especially in speech is due to the Asperger's that I have. And being ADHD and bipolar can make it worse too. He has a lot to handle with me. I'm just glad he's so understanding.

Yes, that certainly is a lot to handle all under one roof, so to speak. You're really fighting through that, which I commend. You haven't let all those things knock you down, even though I'm sure they're scary and can be a hassle at times. You're really strong. Just keep that in mind during the tough moments.

Of course, you might be humorously wishing you could sometimes unscrew your head and exchange it for a new one. I know I do. A lot, lol. That said, it's good that your boyfriend really does love you enough to understand all that you go through and how it affects you. A lot of guys would just take a walk and not deal with it at all. Always remember that what that says is that you're worth his time and patience. That you're a good person at the core, even when the fireworks get set off.

aliveatnight wrote:I don't think it's fair to only show affection over shallow things. I think if a person will be treated right, it needs to be unconditionally. But that's just me.

I agree with you, but so many people do it. It's like people just forget on a dime what's really important sometimes. I've always tried to be someone that treats someone consistently. And I think I am. People that know me know that I'm never going to be mean or rude, or insult them. If they hear something that sounds odd, they'll think to themselves, "Is that humor?" And then remind themselves that they know what kind of person I am, so they'll interpret the behavior or comments as humor or something other than meanness, because they know that meanness is not my style.

On the flip side, inconsistency is very maddening. And I certainly get drawn into it for long periods.

aliveatnight wrote:

tenbenny wrote:Oh, in that case, *definitely* look for someone else to be your driving instructor. It sounds like your parents' method will only freak you out to the point that you can never feel comfortable driving. With the right teacher, you'll get through it just fine and it'll be a calmer process.

I'm gonna find someone eventually, it's just a huge pain to deal with them.

Yeah, I know. You'll find someone good. Keep some optimisim about the driving thing. When you're in the right hands, it's enjoyable.

aliveatnight wrote:

tenbenny wrote:Well, I think she might be unsure of what's going on in certain aspects of her personal life. I'm not even sure what *I* want exactly, but I know I'd like to be one good *confusion-free* thing in her life.

She's been really effusive this week. Extremely friendly, chatty, playful. Talked about missing me, etc, etc. Almost to the point of making me wonder why, hahaha. I was thinking I might eventually see something very calm and slow going, you know gradual, but I'll just take it for what it is and nothing more. I'll see how she enjoys the surprise. If we can actually end up talking today or tomorrow that is.

Be cautious of this. It's very weird, and this flipping personality would have me on edge. Just be wary. Let me know how the gift thing goes.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what to make of it. Someone tells me, "Love you, miss you," I don't think of it in a romantic sense, but in what sense... the friendship part isn't on *that* level right now even though it's very friendly, so what... what does that mean? Then I'll say something innocuous and the response is "Don't get fresh," which she was kind of kidding about, but, I wasn't doing... that. I was just talking about how we were goofing off on our respective ends of the keyboard instead of doing busy work we needed to be doing. I'm not even gonna try to figure out what's going on in her head.

If I even thought about trying for anything romantic, it's probably a lost cause. No matter what I do, this isn't someone that will see me in the way that I'd like to be seen again. It happened once for a period, and that was that, I guess. If it happened again, it would be by some odd miracle. I think I'm resolving to just not do anything remotely related to that, but just be a great guy. Be, as I've said, the best I can be. Why not just be realistic?

Okay, so her present. She really liked the gift a lot and was overwhelmed by it. I slipped it into one of the IMs/e-mails. She says she'll try to get off work to use it. I hope she can. I'd like her to be able to go and see her family. If not now, when, you know? Life is short, people get older. You never know when you won't get another set of moments with someone again.

aliveatnight wrote:Wow, that's awful. I'm glad that there's people you can trust. I never really had people I could trust, but I'm not around good people. No, they're not. It's about equality and compromise. And I think that's what leads to the best relationships, no matter what.

Equality and compromise. I think so, too, Samantha. I don't always feel on equal footing with her. Sometimes I feel like an accessory, sometimes I feel like it's going well. Sometimes I feel like Mr. Standby Whatever. I've hung on for dear life trying to find that equal footing, lol. Luckily, I *am* around a lot of really good people that don't waiver, so it's easy. This thing that I've written so much about, it's been a very complex relationship. What is it? Why do I want it? I think I'm definitely seeing a combination of very good and some not-so-good qualities. If anything, *I* need to learn to remember the things I've seen and heard an experienced with people. I've obviously deduced there some issues are in play, and I've obviously chosen to put myself through all this. At heart, she's very special, but things can still, as you say, flip a lot.

Hey, try to tell yourself that even though you may not have the best people around today, they'll be there tomorrow, you know sometime ahead. Don't let the past scare you going into the future. The past does *not* always dictate the future, which is a great thing about life. Patterns don't always repeat themselves, and so much is possible.