Then Why???

I lived with a man for 2 years and 8 months. We were actually engaged to be married last year. 2 weeks before the wedding, I finally busted him using serious drugs, stealing my money and lying about everything he was doing. ( I had my suspicions for awhile, that is how I caught him). Of course I called off the wedding.

OK my first mistake was I let him back into my life after the humiliation of the prior events. I heard the same old same old, " It was the drugs, I love you , I will never do it again." He did receive help and was doing so-so for awhile.

Bottom Line..... he got caught lying, doing drugs and cheating again. He would not work, he did not contribute and our entire relationship was a total lie. The house is mine, the car is mine, everything is mine. I work everyday and also go to school to better my position. I gave him money, shelter and help. I am not a kid, I am 44 years old. I am emotionally stable, and I have a great life.

Then why do I feel so bad about the breakup. I don't think I have loved him for a long time. I do not understand why I have to have these feelings and he just moves on to the next one like I was nothing but another dollar bill. Do people have no remorse for the way they treat other people?

So why do people that do nothing wrong have to suffer in the relationship? I guess I need assurance that everyone is not like that. There are good people in the world that mean what they say and have morals, values and standards.

I am not interested in him. I am absolutely fascinated by you.

He had earlier destroyed a relationship in which you were engaged, yes? And the reason he gave for this when he came back was the same one you had heard before, yes? Plus, he did not work. He was getting help...and doing so-so.

So he has this giant "L" on his forehead. Now, I'm happy to go out to lunch with those guys, as long as it's nowhere too expensive, because I know I'm going to get stuck with the cheque.

You knew you were going to get stuck with the cheque, this time, too, I'm thinking. And now you want to know why it hurts, and why he isn't different. More like you.

Well, he's a drug addict, and they tend to the same behaviours regardless of who they're with, I hear. And you needed to be loved, and went to someone who absolutely could not love you in a million years because he's too busy destroying himself to take time out to create something beautiful with someone, and that's pretty much the whole story there.

Now, because you need to be loved, please stop and take a moment to think: Why would I allow someone I knew would hurt me into my life.

Personally, reading your post, ("why do people who do nothing wroNg have to suffer in relationships") my feeling is that you keep thinking that if you do everything right, if you are giving enough, loving enough, good enough, then the other person will have to turn around and somehow give you all the things you long to receive in a relationship. You will give and give, and even if you don't love them, they will have to love you because you have given so much.

But that's faulty thinking. It has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. You don't have that kind of control over someone, certainly not over someone who has addiction problems. He is who he is, and nothing you do or don't do is going to change him into what you need him to be. Getting angry at him is just your way of refusing to see that. It's natural, but it's not an end point, emotionally. People get left all the time, and in the end, it never comes down to what you did "wrong" or didn't do "wrong." That's not what being in a relationship is about.

You want to know why it's hurting, when a relationship with a man you admit you didn't love breaks up? Because it's screwed up your faulty logic and the way you had of functioning in relationships. And that's a good thing, because that was just never going to work.

Just my opinion. There are many, many more suitable guys out there. Take them to lunch instead.

You are absolutely correct. I am not feeling bad about the man. I am not feeling bad about the relationship. I knew everything I had to know about both of them in the first 6 months.

The reason I am feeling bad is because I couldn't "FIX" either one of them. I have always picked "PROJECTS" not "PARTNERS". I was once told that I could not change the world, but I have spent my entire adulthood trying.

So who do we hold accountable?. The person that tried and failed or the person who did not try at all???

When people split up -- get divorced, separated, whathaveyou -- there is no "fault." There is no "blame." You are still trying to function off that faulty logic; you did everything "right," therefore, he was "at fault." You tried, and you assume he didn't.

Who knows what he was feeling, or what he thought was going on. You admit you didn't love him, which adds an element of weirdness to the whole thing that only underlines how specious your attempt to find fault is. Is he to "blame" for not trying to create a relationship with a woman who didn't love him?

Human beings aren't machines; you don't drop in a certain amount of effort, and get back a certain return. It doesn't work that way.

What you need to do is look at why you are turning people into projects. I would deeply, deeply resent being someone's project. I pay people for that kind of interaction, and generally, expect them to have some diplomas on their walls. No, from romantic partners I want honesty, intimacy, trust -- the whole messy spectrum.

I suspect the reason why you are a fixer rather than a lover in your relationships is because you have been taught that the only way you can find a reliable love is to earn it -- that you are not enough, just sitting around being you, and that some action, some effort is required. I think you are probably someone who finds it difficult to trust, and that "fixing" offers you a feeling of control over the situation. You think you will be loved for the effort, that it will bind people to you.

Ironically, it pushes people away. How many of your "projects" turn into lasting relationships? No one wants to be fixed. People want to be accepted and loved as they are. And no, love is not earned. Do not think that anymore, because it just isn't true.

Can you be with a strong man? Can you be with someone who is capable of meeting you where you are, someone you aren't reaching down to? A partner, rather than a project?

You have to find someone who doesn't need fixing. Go find that person. Ask them out for coffee. I think that's pretty much the only thing you have to do. That, and stop trying to blame someone else for your crazy logic. He really doesn't care, and doesn't owe you a thing. Love is free, remember? You got off lucky this time. You might not the next time.

I may need to clarify....... I did not love him since the wedding cancellation. I thought I did when I let him come back, but it was not love and I realized this months after the reconciliation. I did however love him very much before.

I do not agree with your old worn out cliche:

When people split up -- get divorced, separated, whathaveyou -- there is no "fault." There is no "blame."

When a person misleads or deceives to achieve their ulitmate goal (money, shelter, love, etc). Are they not "to blame" when it all falls down? *** False advertising, Misrepresentation ***.

No, from romantic partners I want honesty, intimacy, trust -- the whole messy spectrum.

My POINT exactly, but when do we believe; because as you said, we do not know what he was thinking. So you go day to day HOPING he is thinking what he is saying.

You may deeply resent it, but there are people that thrive on being a "project". This way they do not have to show any responsibility or try to maintain their own existence: Someone is doing that for them.

I suspect the reason why you are a fixer rather than a lover in your relationships is because you have been taught that the only way you can find a reliable love is to earn it -- that you are not enough, just sitting around being you, and that some action, some effort is required.

With that statement, my entire theory of relationships was completely blown apart. I have always heard, read, been taught, that a relationship takes alot of EFFORT.

I understand what you are saying, and I do realize that relationships are not like careers..... the harder you work the more you will be rewarded. My only wish is that people would be honest enough to let you know they are not willing or do not want to make the effort.

You loved him/you didn't love him/you loved him, but no you didn't? It is a little confusing.

Perhaps he thought he was being sincere, just as you thought you were in love. Were you misrepresenting yourself to him?

Even if the guy was a straight-up thief, you are still putting the responsibility for protecting your heart in someone else's hands. Why? No one else honours this contract that you are attempting to lay out, that you will exchange so much (apparent) love for certain commitments and conventions on their part. You are going to get nailed on that every single time; that's the way it is. No one believes that effort entitles you to love. It might entitle you to decent treatment. But not love.

Hon, look, if you want to go be angry, go be angry. Do your thing. He won't care. He won't even understand. Or you can say, yeah, that was a huge waste of time, wonder if there're any good-looking men in my course.

i know what I'd do.

If you had a cat for two years and eight months: -
You would have loved it
You would have fed it
You would have watered it
You would forked out it's over priced vet's bills
Bought crap for it to have a $#%^ in
Brought crap for it to sleep in play with etc etc.
It would have buggered off out for days at a time
Come back for a stroke, more food and to arch it's awful back against the back of you legs and rub erk!!! yuk!!.
Ok bare with me
But if it had gone twatty and it had bitten and then scratched you
you would have booted it out the door. or had it put down
Doesn't mean you wouldn't miss it.

(the top section sounds a lot like your ex don it!!!!!!)

Hope you get the analogy.

We all get used to stuff when we are in it along time. It takes time to get over people in relationships even when they are bad.
My mum and dad were married for 27 years when they divorced, don't think mum ever did get over it even though she married again.

Like i said i am probably talking out my arse.

Jamo