First Post Complex Situation

This is the short version, and bless anyone who reads this through. I have to discuss this with people, as the closest person to me would not be receptive at this point to help. I am a 25 year old male. She is 21. Thank you so much, for anyone who can shed some light on things from an outside perspective. My friends and family are biased, I need strangers advice.

The Background Story:

I met a wonderfull girl about 5 years ago through a mutal friend online. After a few years friendship, We dated long distance for a year, and she eventually moved in with me. We were saving money to move back to where she and her family were.

After a year or so we had enough money, but had both been extremely stressed out about the situation and I had been working and extremely stressfull job with the government. We were unable to spend money on ourselves, and started to have problems with jealousy due to the amount of blatant lies she had been telling me. It seems my suspicions were correct, and she ended up leaving me for a man she worked with, I have no idea if she cheated on me or not, but she says she did not. I kicked her out, and she moved back home out of state. I was devestated, but to make it easier on myself I cut off all communication with her. I lost my job, wrecked my car, and was sued. Lost all the money we had saved, over $10,000. I went through a very harsh panic/depresion stage for about a month or two.

After I was out of it, I felt great and ready to move on. A few months later, she calls me after tracking down my changed number. She is a wreck and misses me very much. I eventually break and visit her out of state. She tells me she still loves me over the period of a few months, and she is having problems with the man she left me over. i find out later she had cheated on this new guy as well. Though cheating not meaning sexually, as she is a very devout catholic. At least she says. Long story short, we decide to try and get back together, she told me about this 2nd 'cheating' episode AFTER we were back together. I was her first relationship, and the cheating was not sexual in nature, so I weighed things carefully. I loved her enough to forgive this, if she made an effort to make up for it. Which, she has to some extent I suppose. We really dont talk about it much other than she feels extreme guilt sometimes. I would rather not know what went on. Her parents are divorced, and they both have a history of cheating. I have heard it is a genetic trait.

The Current Situation:

Since we are back together, and have been for almost a year now. Our plans have picked up where we left off. We are still long distance, and the plan was for me to move out to where she is. I am having trouble deciding if it is worth proceeding. I do love her very much, but recently I have seen signs of what I feel like is, she just loves me as a friend. I don't know yet.

When we first got back together, she was greatfull, and full of love and happiness. Enough to convince me to take her back after all teh garbage we had been through. We worked through trust issues, and plans about the move etc. I visit her, maybe once a month. Every time i visit, the passion and love seems to fall short of the previous visit. untill the last 3 visits, she has made no attempt to passionatly kiss me, or share an intimate moment as she used to. She has been very depressed since Christmas, showing very low self esteem in everything she does. She does'nt persue her hobbies any more, or seem to enjoy anything. She is only focused on being with me. She may be showing signs of co-dependancy. I may be also, since her depression and stress is affecting how I view things. A month or two ago, I was more than ready to move and get our relationship back to where it was.

Now she frequently tells me she wants this move with all her heart, and she has no other thought than to go through with it. But she also tells me she is scared of it back-firing. She is scared of things going back to the stressfull way they were before. Mind you, most of the stress was caused by communication issues and my jealousy.

She writes me letters, which say all teh right things to make me think she dearly loves me, but there is always that catch at the end of being scared. She also never says anything like she does in these letters in person to me. She claims it is because she can't be herself with her family present, as they always are since she lives with them where I visit. But when we are out or alone, it feels more like friendship to me. She seems to rely on me too much, and there is no sign of love as there was earlier on. Words are said yes, perhaps I am just not trusting them due to the past 'cheating'. I thought i had come to terms with it, but lately images of it and memories of how painfull it was seem to come at me more often.

She makes comments about how she wishes she could have the resolve and dedication i do about being with her, and the move. I am a typically self-less person in anything I do.

The Questions/Concerns:

1. Any general advice would be welcome.

2. My friends and family do not agree with us being back together, am I just blindly in love?

3. Is her depression related to the guilt, and is it causing this lack of physical connection?

4. Should I turn a blind eye to her worries because she is depressed, and risk all in this move out of state?

5. Am I too dependant on her happiness? Is she too dependant on mine?

6. Are there signs to look for, to see if she is only holding onto me out of fear or friendship?

7. Am i wrong to think: 'If she can share passionate moments with the men she cheated on me with, why can she not share this with me." It sounds like i'm being selfish, and that I don't appreciate the mental connection. In fact I appreciate it very much.

8. I have no idea if any of this is normal, as I have never been through it before. Are there any questions I can answer for you that would clarify things and help us work out a solution?

I appreciate your writing all this to clarify your situation. I think you may be too close to the problem.

The whole issue of whether or not she was faithful to you, and what constitutes "cheating" is neither here nor there. When couples are really getting back together, my experience has been that the past is of no interest to them; they are only interested in each other and where they are now. That is certainly not the case here, so something else is going on.

If I read your post right, your relationship began when you were 20 and she was 16. You probably are dependent on each other to some extent, much as family members would be, because you have provided emotional support to each other since you were quite young. It will be worse for her than for you, and you are more capable of moving on because your sense of who you are was much more developed than hers when the relationship began. It is no surprise that at this point, she is still a wreck, as you say, and is keeping you around with difficulty detaching from you, although she does not seem to be passionately in love with you. She isn't. She can't be. She hasn't had an opportunity to go out into life and find out that she is her own person, and we can only love as whole, independent people. Co-dependency is not love. It doesn't help that the manner of your break-up did not exactly set her up for a speedy recovery.

My suggestion to you is that you recognize that this is not a time of renewal in your relationship with her yet, if it ever will be. This is a time of healing for her. She's going to be slower to recover than you, and she needs your help now. Cutting off all communication with her when you broke up was a drastic thing to do -- you were punishing her by withdrawing your presence. What I would suggest is that you realize that you are in different places right now, and you should go on with your life while remaining in contact with her. Do not expect her to offer you love or passion, but accept what friendship she can give. Attempt to be supportive of her. Do not question her about her sexual past without you, but if she brings it up and apologizes, tell her that you care too much about her to let things like that change your feelings (which, from your post, is true). Emphasize her strengths, not her weaknesses. Give her your hand; help her up.

You're very young to be in this position, but relationships are very complex, and become more so over time. Trust in your compassion and your love for her. You may not ultimately end up with this person, but wouldn't you rather look back on this and think, I helped her to be a happier person?

I would suggest that you seek relationships with women closer to yourself in age. It sounds like that is what you really need.

I do agree that we met young, but we were not activly dating in person until she was 18. She had just been a mutual friend, very distanced. The age gap bothered me, but she appeared to be mature for her age. She was home schooled most of her life, and had a maturity and intellegance i rarely see in people my age.

What i don't understand is why she would continue to lead me on with promises of marrige and love. Is she just not aware of her dependance? She was never like this until we decided to get back together. It's only been the last 3 months where i feel she has been distant. She keeps giving me these spurts of affection in writings and gifts to keep me going. I always tell myself that I need more, and she always comes through, just not as steady and solid as I want. For example, Valentines day she gave very sentimental and loving gifts, cooked dinner, spent intimate time together. But two weeks after than I felt as if she was very distant when she visited. She only held my hand and cuddled. She would never come to me for a kiss, i always had to initiate. And when we did kiss, it was always very brief.

I brought this issue up, and she usually says that she is not a very sexual person, and that she enjoys holding me the most right now. It just screams friendship to me. I do understand that passion will wax and wayne, but for an entire 3 months it has felt horrible not being wanted.

Yet she presses on with this move, knowing it's a very stressful time for me, and the move would devestate me if she did'nt uphold her promises. is she expecting me to stick around if we part?

I've never been this confused in my life before. I do love her with all my heart, and am willing to do the best thing for her. Even if that means loosing her as a mate. Though I have to admit selfishly I could not bear to be apart of her life after a split. That would be torture.

I cut off communication gradually, as I noticed she was comming to me for help and not the man she left me for. Even bringin up this in text, brings back horrid feelings of how she handled things back then. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Is there any way, that we could both work this through to a positive means, or does she really need to loose me again for good to finally become who i know she has the power to be? I supposed I have to face the possibility that to get her back to who she is, I have to loose the love of my life?

We have been through so much more together than i've typed. We've conquered so many things together, and always have come out loving eachother. I would hate for this to end, and I dont think I would ever be the same.

I stand by my original advice. She is not ready to lose you, and going by your second post, you are really not ready to lose her. If you love her with all your heart, my friend, take that seriously.

I think you need to slow things down a bit, and continue dating for awhile. You don't feel like you're getting everything you want in the relationship, which is a good sign that you shouldn't move there.

My personal opinion, for what it's worth, is that she is talking about love and marriage with you because that is what she wants. But it does sound like she has had some upheaval in her life, and she needs to get herself back on track. It's not out of the question that she might benefit from talking to someone and perhaps getting some cognitive behaviour therapy to deal with her depression. The depression alone could account for the distance, the dependency, the lack of desire, and the wish to have you move there.

Now is not the time for you to move out there, imo. Neither is it time to cut off your relationship. But control your impatience, and take some time to work on yourselves and your relationship before moving this to the next level. It could mean the difference between saving your relationship, and losing it completely.

Your advice is very helpfull, and very simple. I understand somewhat that I need to lead by example and let her see that her happiness does not need to depend on me.

She has been going to concerts and dinners with friends more often than before. I used to be jealous, but now I support it and assume lessons have been learned.

Thank you for the unbiased opinions. Working on myself will benefit me no matter the outcome, sounds like a good plan. The move is'nt for another 3 months, near my birthday. If things don't improve by then, i'll reconsider my position.

I hope that I have given you some useful advice. What you have written, however, is far more important: Leading by example.

Often young women going out into the world are overwhelmed and uncertain of themselves. Having a supportive, unafraid male friend who provides them with an example of courage and optimism in life can be crucial, so long as you do not try to solve her problems for her. What your support and encouragement does is provide your girlfriend with a degree of emotional protection she can carry with her, so that she can respond honestly to the stresses in her life without getting swept off her feet. Not all young women need this; a great deal depends on the degree of support she has from her friends and family, but it certainly is helpful. It is not that she is weak, but the pressure on young women to behave in ways that are often contrary to who they are is simply greater than it is for other people.

If she's going out more often, that could be a good sign. I hope that things work out for the best for you both. Good luck.

Men like to solve problems, women love to create them. We men problem solve and troubleshoot everything so that we can relax
and move on confidently, they vent and create problems so that they feel alive and have a purpose and then they are comfortable and move on. If you try to fix her problems, you only create more problems.... in fact, you make it worse. She will vent her frustrations and blow it off at you, it makes her feel alive and productive.

The best thing to do is to ignore all her problems and her venting...

for example when she complains about her boss and how her feet hurt...

completely disregard what she said about the boss but tell her "I can see why your feet hurt wearing freaky shoes like that... theres ice in the fridge."

Ignore her venting/problems, you do that she will be begging to get attention and to please you. She will be busy working to keep you happy and she will be immune to everything else... but happy at the same time because she feels she is working to keep you... like she earned you.

Men are the problem...

hahah... in a way I agree with you because the typical male will push his way in there to solve all the problems thats basically instinct... when frankly she doesnt want him to.

Im happy I paid a lot attention to my mom and dad when growing up

Baffled

You seem very much aware of what's going on. I don't think your baffled at all. In reading your message, I felt the entire time you have serious doughts about this girl. Do not ignore your gut reaction for it's normally the right one.

If this girl is unable to show the love in which she writes in her letter the same as when she sees you in person than it's false. If anything, it should be the opposite, and yes she is very guilty for what she did to you. Maybe becasue she herself doesn't trust herself with your feelings knowing she might hurt you again.

It's more than apparent that you love this girl, but your also taking a major risk in trusting someone who has betrayed you. Do you want to re-visit all that pain that took you so long to recover from?

If this is to be something you want to work for the second time around, there should be absolutely no dought. You have major doughts! Don't ignore it. See it for what it is, a potential risk for a second time at deceit and betrayal.