First Post Complex Situation

I suppose the doubt is amplified by all the external stress as well. Long distance relationships are doubly difficult. I guess i'm having a hard time discerning between real doubt and jitters.

A recent example of how things typically go with us is this. We speak on the phone everyday, and I have had a potential lay off over my head for the past few days. I was feeling a bit down, nothing major, and I asked abuot how she felt about the move. She said she is nothign but excited and happy about it. Made me feel much better. But today, she has been in tears the whole day missing me. I have yet to tell her i just got laid off.

I have another immediate job waiting so everything is fine, but I'm afraid to even mention the slightest real life things when she is so upset. It makes me feel that I can't come to her with anything, and it makes me feel that I am holding her back from enjoying herself as she ALWAYS skips out on doing things 'because they are not the same withotu me'. I just tell her to go anyway, and she usually does'nt.

She is sending me apartment ads daily. I do love her, and I do think she loves me. Like I said, when we are together everything is great. But you do bring up a terribly impressive point, she may feel extremely pressured knowing that my feelings are in her hands.

Her doubts maybe about herself, and she wont vocalize it to me. She may be afraid she will falter again. I think I'm going to wait this out a few months more before I make my descision. Though I fear the wait will hurt her more.

I dont' think i try to solve her problems at all. For instance, in her depression she is also loosing her faith. I only sympathise with the confusion, i don't actually mention how to help. I have agreed to see a priest with her though. Her father also makes things horrible for her at home, and I don't help her with that either. I simply listen, tell her I love her and that i belive in her ability to get through it.

Baffled

I don't know what to say! You love her so much. Who am I to say watch your back. In all honesty, you may actually be the most sensitive and giving man on this planet! I have never heard a man speak of love the way you do. I don't know how understand it. All I know is lies, deceit and selfishness. Iv'e never known love like you so I'm not going to give you advice based on my experience.

Let me end with this. It doesn't matter what anyone says. You love her and that's that. Your going to see this through regarless of your worries or doughts. You know this, you do! If it doesn't work out, than it doesn't. That's life! First, try to stop worrying about things you have no control over (it not working out).

Your going through alot and so is she. She's missing you like crazy and that's normal. Just do your best to get through these times. I think it very considerate of you not to inform her of your lay off. Yes, it will create more worry and stress on her side. You are the deffinate worrier of the two. She needs your strenght alot more than you need hers, and you are very willing to step up to the plate in that aspect.

Just do it! Stop worrying, easier said than done, yes. But just try to put the faith back in the love that is oviously not going anywhere.

Good luck and best wishes.

You made me blush hehe. I have been told that by many people, but it also has a downside of me being walked on or taken advantage of occasionally.

You are absolutely right, regardless of the outcome I do love her. I will see this to whatever end. If only half of our goals ever come to fruition I would be content and have a life I could never complain about. I am most in love with how we carry each other past our individual quirks.

I hope you find the peace of mind and stablity in your future or current relationships Tat. You seem to pick up on feelings, and have a great amount of empathy. Just seeing how you are willing to give advice and input to strangers tells me you are just as giving. I really appreciate the help, sometimes just talking it out sheds light on things you would otherwise miss.

I think i'm going to throw up.

she asked me to check her email for her, and because i'm curious i check a message with photos attached. they are of her topless to the man she left me for. and the emails mention how she wants him to ###$ her.

i dont know when they were sent, i just closed the window and cried for hours. she has called me 3 times and i can't pick up the phone anymore.

it's amazing how she can do this for him, but never with me. and it's amazing how quickly 7 long years of love can come crashing to an end. everything feels like it's happening all over again. i lost a job, and get crushed by her, over and over again. i completely give up.

How do you know its for that exact man? Nonetheless the date SHOULD not matter because its still in her email box... also the fact that she tells you to check her email knowing that she has those messages saved alludes to the fact she may be trying to give her self an excuse to leave you,,, with you finding the pictures...

either way check the date.....and either way shes saved those messages for a reason. This is really a tough situation because once a cheater always a cheater.... and I honestly think you have given her more than enough chances to make ommends,,, the more chances you give someone the more they will take advantage of you.

by the way, dont believe the #######4 about how she didnt "cheat sexually" and how she is a devout catholic.... if she didnt cheat she wouldnt have to defend herself like that. she AT FIRST went to that new guy because she saw him as an UPGRADE to you... he was YOU plus MORE.... at the beginning... then as time went on she realized the flaws and how great she had it with YOU. Thats the reason she came back to you... is because she remembers that she does have life pretty good with you.

Your friends and family... oddly enough always know what is best for you..

friend: "no man... shes beautiful and funny... but I dont think shes anything to get serious over.... you can do a lot better"
you: "I dont know for some reason Im just real into her like this connection"

In my opinion, you should start seeing other women... but not necessarily dump her yet... just make sure to tell her that you are dating... if she doesnt like it.... tough luck... she will move on... if she says that she is OK with it or anything like that... she maybe is a lot more serious about you and sees the bigger picture.

The girls that care about you wont be bothered about you seeing other women she will be interested in you... and her... and the potential. When a guy approaches her she will reject him, as long as youre making her work.... you have to keep her busy by keeping you happy. She will be so busy thinking of you and busy making you happy she wont have the time nor the energy to bother with any other males... because you keep her busy.

Reject her when she tries to come back... The more you push her away... the more she will want you back. She has finally realized how much you are worth, how she earned you, and how good life was. Give her the gift of missing you. She needs to feel that she has something valuable... shes looking for this kind of control in a man.

I'm just not the type of guy to do that. I could never date other people, no matter what kind of relationship i'm in, and I expect the same from my partner.

I know the pictures are for him, because the date was last year, when we were first split up. She sent them to herself. It may be something she Blind CC'ed to herself, so that she did'nt have to keep the pictures on her dads computer. She probably sent them over AIM.

The simple fact that she signs off an email with 'so get over here and ###$ me.' tells me she is lying. she told me she never had sex with him, and she was still a virgin.

I called her yesterday, very upset, but I did'nt tell her the real direct reason. I told her that I had been thinking about what she had done, and how horrible I felt about it. And that the thought of 'you can be intimate with these other men, but you rarely make out with me.' was given.

she actually cared more about me not trusting her, and how hurting that though twas to her. she barely said anything to make me feel better. she kept saying 'i thought we were closer than this'. And. 'you have to decide in the worse case, if you never forget what i did, if being with me is worth it.'.

How horrible is that? Why would'nt someone just give comfort. Perhaps remind me that she has turned over a enw leaf, or that she loves me more than ever, for so and so reason. She was just a robot. 90% of the time when I talked she was dead silent, and I asked her to talk to me. She would simply reply with 'i'm trying ot figure out somethign to say'. I hate this, because it tells me she has nothing she wants to say, and she has to formulate something that 'i want to hear.'.

Now things are worse. She probably feels more guilt, and more pressure. I feel disgusted by her. She wants me to come see her. I have no positive thought about that, and would probably not even be able to look at her without feeling hurt.

On a side note. Maybe you are religious, maybe not. But she was unable to get into a concert she wanted to go to on Easter, after she drove downtown for an hour or so. She did'nt have enough ID. When she got home is when I told her this, and it started raining in both placess, about 700 miles apart. Her pet fish was dying when she came home, and that is signifigant, because our last fish started dying when we were having problems as well. When she woke up today, her entire basement was flooded. For some reason her basement pump never turned on, which is rare because the pump is on battery backup, and the power never went off that night. She said she feels punished. But then again, so do I, for my curiosity.

Okay, then, you're done with her. There are no more questions about what's going on, or what you need to do.

Actions always speak louder than words. If someone loves you, they do not intentionally do things that will hurt you. This was no miscommunication. She knew the pictures were on there, and sent you to find them. Good. Now you know. You're done.

And you're lucky. Now there's no more confusion. Just a straight-ahead path of emotional recovery. You know you went through this before, and you got to a place where you felt fine again. It will be easier this time. And when it's over, you'll be able to date more responsible, emotionally mature women who will appreciate your feelings for them. I would talk to friends and family alot, if I were you, and spend time with them now.

I know you feel terrible right now, but you're just in a place where you can begin to rebuild without any of the past issues causing you problems. It's a real fresh start.

You are way too nice... and you are way to forgiving... theres nothing wrong with that... but you will find you could be self damaging yourself.

I say the majority of women will say that a guy who is "Nice" all the time is boring to them... being nice is good... but you have to balance it..... theyre also looking for a man that has control... and will bust her for her actions and put her in her place.

When you were on the phone with her... shes not comforting you because she doesnt care... all she is thinking about is herself... shes trying to defend herself, because she is a slut (No offense). She wants you to trust her because you are making her feel bad about herself... hence the REASON why she wants you to see her... she wants you to see her so that she can vent off all the emotional frustration and the built up sexual tension.... shes hoping that this alone will comfort you enough to give her more time.

The longer this continues the more damage is done. My best advice is to see other women... tell her you are dating that way she cant accuse you of cheating... but this doesnt mean you have to have any physical involvement with them... just completely casual.

In due time I am confident enough that on these casual dates you will meet someone who will trigger something in you... and make you realize that you have found someone better. Its at that time you cut contact with the existing girl.

I also read she is 21-22... shes still very young... I critically doubt she is looking for anything that is too serious.

Maybe when shes 24-25... maybe even whens shes 30.... or when she realizes that she doesnt look 'quite' as good as she use to.. then she will panic and look for the serious relationship. Thats completely normal from women.

You have to realize that she is keeping you on a string just for some of those reasons... you theoretically are a backup.

I may come off as being strictly blunt in some of my posts.... but I tell it like it is.... I am here to help you, I am showing you whats happening mostly so you can protect yourself from further hurt or damage.

I've called her several times, she still seems distance. I've asked her if her feeling have changed, and she says she is just worried about me. A second call had her snapping at me, asking 'how could i possibly think she would ever do that again.'

She now says her world was turned upside down because she had no idea I still did'nt trust her, and that I was still 'deathly afraid' of her leaving me. See, i've made things 10 times worse. A day ago, we were near blissfull.

i have no idea how she could be so cruel as to keep me on a string. i don't even know if that is the case. She has'nt given me a reason to not trust her this time around.

I have no idea how i'm going to recover from this and mend our relationship. I have no idea if I will even be able to. I don't even know if i want to. i feel so close to how things were before when she left.

i just feel like i want to burst. i wish i could just shut my head off for good.