I love a Reptile, i.e., a Highly Defensive Person

So after a year and a half I clearly see that he gets intensely defensive often in response to my speaking up about some feeling, like I feel hurt or mad etc. Recently he called me a 2 year old for saying I didn't like something he said. Which is hilarious because an adult calling someone names is acting like a 2 yr old. I see how he strikes out from insecurities when he thinks I've attacked him. Even though he won't admit he has been hurt or that his insecurities were triggered. If he can't identify those feeling he surely can't express them effectively. But isn't the intention different and doesn't intention make all the difference? Aren't my intentions to communicate feelings and his are to hurt me. We both end up getting hurt in the end. So I'm confused.

What suggestions, insights, experiences can you share about this dynamic? I love him a lot. This is one of his few flaws in my eyes. I want this relationship to last... Eventually he always becomes human again and we usually are able to discuss whatever happened as two intelligent loving adults. That's the man I love. And I'll tolerate his reptilian brain. But I need better tools or a better plan...Because it hurts and stings to get hit with his boomerang reactions. And I can only keep breathing for so long and not let myself get triggered into my own reptilian reactions.

Anyway yesterday I told him I was frustrated and mad that he hasn't yet moved out of the motel and into an apartment. (He moved here from out of state 18 months ago and we met soon after.) In hindsight, despite his hostile response, I realize I was just frustrated with a particular situation that arose because of his living arrangements. I could've just dealt with my feelings myself and I could've stayed focused on the feelings of grief that were overwhelming me. (What happened was that I was getting sick and to avoid getting him sick and then having to miss work at a job he's had for less than 6 months, we decided it'd be best that I go back to my place... 50 miles away. I've been spending one week with him and one week at my place, depending on what I can emotionally handle at my place. But this time I was going back home 5 days sooner than I was ready for. If I'd had the money I'd just have rented my own motel room. My place right now is heavy with grief because my 2 cats died, each 20 years old and after 20 years all three of us together. I can only handle it in small chunks of time. Okay so that's the background...)

So I think I dumped my frustration with being home sooner than I'd planned to on him because he was still living in a motel. I wanted to feel heard after having expressed these feelings a couple times earlier and not getting a response that made me feel heard. And now in hindsight maybe "feeling heard" to me really meant hearing him say something where he'd take responsibility for his major part in me having to go back home and his concrete plans to move. I was blaming him. And I think maybe I wanted to hear him blame himself. (...my own dark side. Maybe not reptilian in reaction but just as lethal. Uck! That's probably what he sensed and was reacting to. Tragic how we can lose the sincerity of expression and come off hurtful when all we really want to say is I'm scared or hurt or sad... to get beyond the angry reactions)

This time I was more direct saying that I'm mad I had to leave because he's still living in a one room motel that isn't conducive to sharing with an ill person. He said yes you've said that already. I said I wanted a response. He replied that he'd move when he was ready.

He 90% of the time follows thru on his word. He hears me and responds in action most times. And to be fair he said he was going Saturday to see apartments. I think in my frustration I was p.o. he hadn't even tried during the week. And while yes he has been making steps towards arranging his finances towards settling into an apartment I've been harboring a concern that he may never move until we're ready to move in together. What if this is one thing he won't follow thru on. It makes me uncomfortable in part because of my past relationship experiences. And that's not really fair to him I think. I just want to take steps towards moving in together and that means him having an apartment that we can comfortably spend time in, that I can see he can do it, and so I can comfortably make myself at home in, etc., and then get our own place together. All that is limited in a motel. We've made the best of it. But my reply this time was, "It's been a year and a half!" And that was a trigger. He felt unappreciated and like I was dismissing all the things he has been patient with me about in our year and a half.

The more I write here the more I realize how he must've felt. Okay so I get that. What I don't know what to do with is his choice of expression.

He said if I don't like where he's living then I should go find someone who has a place.

I said c'mon don't go there. I'm not even thinking that.

I said I'm sorry. And how could I have communicated better. That we teach each other. Then he said no we should already know how to talk to each other.

He said other things and I kept breathing trying to hear the feelings beneath the hostility. I'd say things that conveyed I was hearing him. I apologized.

Whatever I said, no matter how UN-reactive or positive I was, he came back with hostility.

And then I started saying something about respecting our needs. I made the mistake of trying to explain why I brought these feelings up in the first place. He said no he doesn't respect this. And that was my limit. I said to call me when he can talk respectfully and I hung up. I regret hanging up because asking him to respect my need to feel heard was just re-hashing it all.

Later, after reading an article by Martha Beck on Oprah's site, about highly defensive people, I sent him an email expressing solely my apology and empathy.

The only thing I can think of doing in the future is say absolutely nothing when he is acting like a reptile. And even talking with him when he is acting more human about this defensive style of his and the damage it causes and how I won't participate when he goes there and see if we can come to some agreement.

What suggestions, insights, experiences can you share about this dynamic? I love him a lot. This is one of his few flaws in my eyes. I want this relationship to last... Thanks for listening...