I'm in deep dookie!!

I met this women by accident in a online chatroom. We immediatly had chemistry, we chatted that whole night & i knew she was my soul mate. She lives in England and i live in Texas. The only problem i lied to her since day 1. I havent told her i'm a women too!

She asked my name & i panic. I called myself Jake, after my nephew. We have been chatting for about 2 months and now things are getting serious. We're long distance dating. She asked for a photo and I downloaded one of my friends pic.

I never expected to fall so deeply in love with her. I just thought we would chat online & be friends. I love her so much. She confesses her love for me daily. She even want to have a real meet since we are dating. I dont want to hurt her anymore. She been in a nasty relationship!! I tried to come up with ways to break up with her. She keep insisting we are perfect for each other!

I asked her if she would ever date a women & she said no. I'm in deep dookie!! I lied to her about my sex, name & race. I dont know what to do!!

Can anyone please help me! I dont know how not to bring her pain. This women is really in love with me!!! Please help me.

I'm really sorry to say this, but it will not work. There's a difference between telling someone that you're white, when you're actually black, and telling them you're a different sex. People can look past certain things like Race, 'sometimes' age, etc...but their Sexual preference is something that they can't change.

While at the moment she feels she can trust you, and loves you for that, once she realizes that you lied to her about something like that, took advantage of her and her trust, she will be very hurt, and most likely very upset with you.

In all honesty, I think you need to understand that you made a big mistake, and try to break this to your friend as gently as possible. She will most definitely be hurt. Thinking you've found your soulmate, someone you can trust/etc...only to have it turn out being a Woman, not a Man. Having been lied to, and so forth.

I know you came here hoping for some encouraging feedback, and I wish I could give you it. But I just don't believe that it's possible under the circumstances. Remember that 'The Most' important thing in a relationship is Trust. If you founded your relationship with her based on a Lie, then it will all fall apart, as it is now.

God willing, you will find another person to share such a connection with...and that person will love you as a Woman, and not a Man. Keep Trust Alive.

Good luck.

...That's so like me. To read something half-way through and make a comment.

In all honesty, there's no way to break it off with her easily without lying more. And the last thing you want to do is lie again. Sure it would be easy to tell her you're actually a gay man and just coming out of the closet now, and avoid having to mention lying to her about your sex earlier. But that just compounds the problem.

I'm sorry to say, but it is going to be quite painful for her. She's going to feel a sudden disconnect from a 'man' she believed to be her soulmate. Someone she relied on, and looked forward to meeting. And asides from that, her trust was violated. She was taken advantage of. That just adds insult to injury.

In this case, the Right thing to do is far from being the easiest. I would recommend setting her up for it a few days in advance, by saying: "We can't have a relationship, I'm sorry, I will tell you why in a few days. I hope you can forgive me" (just an example) And be serious about it. Tell her there's no other choice, and she will understand once you tell her. This way, she will have a few days to deal with knowing your relationship is going to end. It won't be quite as big a shock to her as coming out right away and telling the whole truth. Let her know in advance that it's coming so she can prepare herself for it emotionally, then let her know. This way, she already knows the relationship is ending. So any extra bit of information won't hit her as hard, and it might also help her understand why you said it has to end. Make sure do lots of apologizing both before and after the fact.

That's just my recommendation, however, and others might say otherwise.

I'm going to say a couple of things, which you aren't going to like, but which are ultimately for your benefit:

1. You knew right away that she was your soul mate, and you started in lying to her. Not once. But all along.

Is it normal for you to think of your soul mate as someone you would lie to? Ever?

2. She loves you, you love her.

She does not know you. She knows an image in her head that is most definitely not you, and it has nothing to do with gender or race. The person she loves wouldn't lie to her or manipulate her.

You have not behaved in a way that is consistent with love. Ergo, you do not love her. There may be many things about this situation that you enjoy very much, but you do not love.

3. What is the most loving thing you could do right now? The least manipulative?

Tell the truth.

I haven't said these things to insult you. I've said them because it will ease your own pain in the long run. If you believe you've lost your soul mate, that's a terrible, painful thing. However, if you can understand your own behaviour a little better, you will understand that the relationship, based on a false premise and lies about identity and personality (yes, because of the fact of the lies themselves), was never something that could foster love. Part of loving someone is choosing never to hurt them, for any reason. We also have to choose to be our truest selves, to not manipulate or control the other person with how we present ourselves, but just to let them see us as we are, and choose or not choose to love us. We can try to be our best selves, but not something other than what we know we really are. It's hard, I know, when you know or fear that you will be rejected. But that's what love demands. When you can do this, you will have begun to love.

When I first read this post I wondered..."how could you do something like withold the truth about your gender"? Have you any idea what pain you will cost this woman ...to tell her she isn't in a heterosexual relationship? What ever you get from her you surely deserve.

Ok....now that I vented.....I think you need to seriously get into counseling. Find the root of what prompts these lies from you. That way more lives will not suffer the pain you are putting on your soul mate.

Sweetngentle

Get a grip, tell her the truth, and move on. This wasnt some small insignificant lie... but something major.

DrDret wrote:Get a grip, tell her the truth, and move on. This wasnt some small insignificant lie... but something major.

Looks like you didn't quite read till the end. She is asking what the best way to tell her about it is, without hurting her.

To answer some of your guestions, I dont know why I did what I did. Sometime when you lie the next lie gets easier & easier. I'm sick. Thanks for the feedback.

I sent her an e-mail last night. I basically told her: (We have to end our relationship, we will never be together & I told her I lied, the truth will hurt her even more.) In a few days I may tell her how I lied..... me being a women etc. But now I dont know if I should tell her that since she is already upset so much. But I cant think of another reason to say how I lied to her.

She sent me a offline this morning asking me (What is going on & How could I do this? i lied? )

I feel so awful because I brought her so much pain.

a guest wrote:To answer some of your guestions, I dont know why I did what I did. Sometime when you lie the next lie gets easier & easier. I'm sick. Thanks for the feedback.

I sent her an e-mail last night. I basically told her: (We have to end our relationship, we will never be together & I told her I lied, the truth will hurt her even more.) In a few days I may tell her how I lied..... me being a women etc. But now I dont know if I should tell her that since she is already upset so much. But I cant think of another reason to say how I lied to her.

She sent me a offline this morning asking me (What is going on & How could I do this? i lied? )

I feel so awful because I brought her so much pain.

For her emotional well-being, I would prefer you telling her that you're a woman. Why? Because if I were in her place, I'd rather have been tricked by a woman, than to have been 'let go' by a man I thought I loved and loved me back. It will be a 'LOT' harder for her to get back into another relationship with a man anytime soon if you don't tell her you're a woman.

That's my personal recommendation. I'm glad you took the advice a few posts up and getting her prepared for the big news a few days in advance. Good luck.

Dr. Matrix you were exactly right. She sent me an offline message, thinking it was another man hurting her. She was thinking she did something wrong.

I talked with her. I didnt want to but i told her the whole truth. She was caught very off guard, but relieve a women violated her trust.


She want to still be together. Possibly a friendship and move slow. I asked if she need time to sort things out. She says i need to build my trust back up.

I hope things go well. Either way i learned my lesson, about telling the whole truth & how it end up hurting someone you care about.

Thank you ALL