So how do I live 40 more years knowing no one can ever love

I think it would be worth you seeing a Dr even if you think there is not much they could do - as you never know and they might be able to help you - esp with the depression side of things.

Might be worth looking into grief counselling - hospitals sometimes have access to this so that could be a place to start.

Anyhow hope things settle for you

Cracked

They can't change anything though and I've already tried coping strategies. I want something good that is important to happen. Not a step in the right direction that leads to false hope, I want the whole thing and I want it stay. Otherwise I'm just left with my repetitive words, whether I tell them to a therapist, a forum, a friend, family, acquaintance, or myself.