Trapped in an unhealthy relationship, 12 year age difference

Trapped in an unhealthy relationship, 12 year age difference

I'll keep this as short as possible.

I'm 27 years old, and I am gay. I met my boyfriend 5 years back on MySpace. He's 12 years older than me, so he's 39 and when we met I was 22 and he was 34.

About a year into our relationship when we were planning on moving out together his dad had a super ultra massive stroke, from which he did not recover at all. He cannot talk, walk, or communicate in any manner, and when he points, or nods his head he points at the wrong things and grunts and writes incoherent gibberish like "twin" for "Do you want a sandwich?" Think of it like Wernicke's and Broca's aphasia together.

He had to move back in with his parents, who do not really accept us being together in a tiny trailer sized house, in the poor Hispanic neighborhood his parents grew up in. His mom was completely dependent on his dad for nearly her whole life, and now she is totally dependent on him. His mother always makes fun of me because I'm not Mexican (although my parents are Spaniards so I'm white.)

I live with my mom now as well because I cannot find a good paying job in our small college town.

He has about 10 (of 30 total) aunts and uncles living in the same neighborhood and his mom is totally unwilling to move. Every time I bring up moving them into a bigger house even with us, he stops talking completely.

I have a masters degree in a science that I finished about two years into dating him and he will not move away with me with or without his parents.

I'm finding him less and less attractive and he has no motivation to adopt kids or any kind of future with me. The stress is giving him big random bald spots all over his head and beard and he refuses to go to a psychologist. He's getting fatter and fatter and now the age difference seems gigantic, whereas when I met him it seemed trivial.

It seems like I am only with him because I have very low self esteem and in the 5 years I've been with him, I've undergone 3 reconstructive surgeries that have dramatically improved my self-confidence and I don't know how to leave him, all of his friends and my friends have moved away since the economy hit our town so bad and I think if I moved away he would probably kill himself.

I'm stuck.

You're not stuck -- you see your problem very clearly and know exactly what you need to do. Why do you need him with you for you to move to make use of your master's degree? If you can't be independently healthy alone, then you aren't capable of having a healthy relationship.

Truth be known, he's probably afraid to leave his parents and all of that extended family he has there now.

You're not trapped.....just scared to learn to live independently apart from another human being. But being in that relationship hasn't helped you thus far, so it's time for you to move on (as your self-talk is encouraging you to do). Self-esteem really does grow leaps and bounds with independence. I've been housebound for a year and a half now and it's really doing a number on my self-worth. Remaining stuck should never be an option in a free country -- we are holding ourselves back, no circumstances or any one person is doing it to us.....we have only ourselves to blame for our lack of progress.

In a sense I know you're right but I have this crippling fear of karmic revenge for abandoning him while his dad needs him the most, and I am worried about when I'm old and what would my needs be if I were to become disabled.

Granted I haven't seen the relationship firsthand, but I didn't detect any signs that your relationship with him in itself was a dysfunctional one. It simply seems like you've grown tired of the relationship due to changes in your life circumstances and want to end it, which is your right if that's what you want.

I'm partially joking here don't take this last sentence too seriously, but maybe you saw that when he was a little older he got his boytoy and now that your getting a little older you want a boytoy of your own. Maybe you want a 18-22 year old gay boy of your own. If this offends you, remember that I'm not being entirely serious.

Kabuhi wrote:Granted I haven't seen the relationship firsthand, but I didn't detect any signs that your relationship with him in itself was a dysfunctional one. It simply seems like you've grown tired of the relationship due to changes in your life circumstances and want to end it, which is your right if that's what you want.

I'm partially joking here don't take this last sentence too seriously, but maybe you saw that when he was a little older he got his boytoy and now that your getting a little older you want a boytoy of your own. Maybe you want a 18-22 year old gay boy of your own. If this offends you, remember that I'm not being entirely serious.

Oh man, I know you aren't being serious. But sometimes this thought does really cross my mind. I work at a university, and I see a ton of younger seriously attractive dudes. I'm always wondering to myself what I was thinking by dating someone so much older!

I have no clue how I wound up in this situation. It seems like I must have had such a terrible self-esteem.

I suppose the bigger question is: How do I avoid winding up in a situation that makes me unhappy in the future? Sometimes, when I sit back and look at my life, it appears that I have been trying to sabotage myself the whole time.

renosbiliya wrote:

Kabuhi wrote:Granted I haven't seen the relationship firsthand, but I didn't detect any signs that your relationship with him in itself was a dysfunctional one. It simply seems like you've grown tired of the relationship due to changes in your life circumstances and want to end it, which is your right if that's what you want.

I'm partially joking here don't take this last sentence too seriously, but maybe you saw that when he was a little older he got his boytoy and now that your getting a little older you want a boytoy of your own. Maybe you want a 18-22 year old gay boy of your own. If this offends you, remember that I'm not being entirely serious.

Oh man, I know you aren't being serious. But sometimes this thought does really cross my mind. I work at a university, and I see a ton of younger seriously attractive dudes. I'm always wondering to myself what I was thinking by dating someone so much older!

I have no clue how I wound up in this situation. It seems like I must have had such a terrible self-esteem.

I suppose the bigger question is: How do I avoid winding up in a situation that makes me unhappy in the future? Sometimes, when I sit back and look at my life, it appears that I have been trying to sabotage myself the whole time.

SO after a draft saving problem and Firefox crashing, I'll have to be more terse.

Similar thing to myself. I found myself attracted to much older women when I was younger, though also attracted to girls my own age. In my late 20s now, I find the young women in my college classes very attractive. The only person who can really tell if it is a problem or a relationship that made you worse off is yourself. There's a lot of taboo and shame on relationships with large age difference, which is probably where the shame comes from having been in one. Don't make yourself into a victim. Not worth it to appease the sensibilities of the average person's views.

You sound genuinely concerned for his well being, so tell him that. Tell him also exactly what you're worried about, but don't continue a relationship that is overdue for ending. Relationships end, and though it may be painful, it doesn't have to be a soul crushing thing. Life moves on and things change. You have some different desires now, and the relationship might not be for you any more. He sounds like he does have family around him, so that will help him. The longer a relationship goes on based on a lie (you want to end it but dont), the more false it is.

Stress, bad diet, and no exercise are plagues on your health. http://www.ted.com/talks/dean_ornish_sa ... _fate.html

he's probably aging dramatically because of all the issues. hyper-aging is the term I coin for it. I unscientifically say that when you stop treating your body as if it's meant to last forever, you're telling your body it's time to die. The fat gain and hair loss is symptomatic of a large downturn, so you should probably tell him you're concerned about his health too.