Friendship Woes

Ok, an exceedingly long post ahead! Very sorry about this!

So I have been very depressed and low in self-esteem since the end of my 14 year friendship with a best friend. I see her around and she seems to be happy, sociable and doing well for herself and I myself am going in a downward spiral and struggle to trust people and gain the confidence to put myself out there and meet new people.

It kind of started when she started a new course at college and was opened up to an entirely new social world, and made a bunch of new friends. She became much more distant with me, which I just assumed to be normal seeing as she was busy and all. I then went overseas for 6 months in which I received minimal contact from her a few months in. I was upset about this, so I brought it up with her via email and she responded in a very hostile manner exclaiming that she was busy with work and study and maintaining a new relationship. I felt like a fool for my over reaction and apologised & got no reply, which left me really anxious about my return throughout my whole holiday.

On my return, we caught up, things were ok. We hung out a few times then she would just disappear for months at a time and return when she wasn't 'busy' or troubled with her relationship. I began to grow pretty mistrustful of her coming and going and felt like she was really leaving me hanging. My boyfriend told her how much it was hurting me and asked that she make more of an effort and she agreed to do this. Two weeks later, the same thing happened again. I did the wrong thing and pulled an ultinatum, telling her that if she wasn't going to commit to our friendship like she once did, I no longer wanted to be a part of her life. She was hurt.

I felt bad the next day, so I called to apologise and organised speaking about it face to face. Things were very tense between us but we did resolve it, yet I still felt resentment on her part. Feeling uneasy about this, I decided to call up the weekend following, letting her know how much I wanted to patch things up and eradicate the tension between us. She told me that I need to see a psychologist as I am very 'insecure' and that I am pushing her away as I am very bitter with the world. I stayed calm and tried to communicate with her but got nowhere after a whole hour so I ended the conversation there. We haven't spoken since.

I guess I need some closure on this whole situation to move on properly and am hoping one of you lovely people could give me a bit of an insight as to why this happened and what I could work on as a friend as I am totally lost as to what the hell happened and want to feel ok again.

Thanks for all your time

It reads to me like you were acting overly clingy to her and may have acted aggressively toward her which put her off. Maybe you're "insecure and bitter toward the world" but I didn't glean that from the what you wrote so I'll ignore that part. If you want to become a better friend, don't cross your friends' personal boundaries and don't behave aggressively toward them in the future.

Thanks for your response!

Just wondering how i acted agressively, it just seems as though i was really passive & weary of crossing any boundaries with her. which is why it dragged out for so long.

Cheers

astrid646 wrote:Thanks for your response!

Just wondering how i acted agressively, it just seems as though i was really passive & weary of crossing any boundaries with her. which is why it dragged out for so long.

Cheers

She responded defensively after you sent her the email, so it's probably related to that. I don't know what you wrote, so I'd have to see a transcript of the email to determine exactly what you wrote that might have triggered her.

If you don't want to provide a copy of the email, then my guess is that you unjustly accused her of something or you attacked her character....you know, typical stuff that generally starts a fight and breeds animosity. These are just guesses based on my own observations that have been generalized. Did you do anything like this that might trigger a defensive response?

It could also have more to do with her than what you did, but I'm leaning toward the former for the time being.