Devastated! Cheated with best friend

I've been in a relationship with this girl for about 5 years and we have been living together for over 2 years. We are both in our mid 30s. For the most part we have got along well and she has not only been my companion and lover but my closest friend. We have done everything together, and have been almost inseparetable.

The other day I got news that was devastating.

She told me she had several recent sexual encounters with another man. Not only that, it was my best friend of over 20 years. And, it all transpired at MY HOUSE while I was away working. Not to mention, he has been married for over 10 years and has 3 kids.

If that isnt Jerry Springer material, I dont know what is.

Well after this all went down I confronted him and his wife about it and he flat out denied anything took place. He says she is making it up.

I had told her to move out, and now she pretty much has no place to live. Shes staying at family members house temporarilly.

But on phone conversations she continues to swear everything she said is true. She has described many details about the experiences, and says she has nothing to gain by admitting to it.

She wrote me a long letter telling me about how sorry she was about everything and how she wished she could change what happened. She has been crying and is afraid to lose me. I say she should of thought about that before she did those things. Dont ask why she would have done it, nobody knows.

She has no history of lying, cheating, or deceit. For the most part of our 5 years of knowing eachother she has been honest and giving, kind hearted, and caring.

I do not know what to do, They both have their story about what happened, but who to believe. It's obvious that one of the two people would have to be lying, but who?

Getting to the truth is just part of the challenge. But whether to forgive either of the two people I was closest to and trusted with my life, that is something else. I am completely devastated. I had sought counceling at a local hospital but they did not have any one available after hours. I have turned to a few friends about it but still do not have any more answers.

Can you even forgive someone for something like this? I guess every individual is different. Every case is different. I dont know.

Someone told me that todays society is so messed up people cheat all the time, even with the friends of their spouses. They said my case is really not that unusual. Is it?

(You know its funny, as I was writing this letter she had called me 3 times. I answered on the 3rd call (avoided the first two). She said if I need anything at all to let her know. Like food, house supplies, or my back itched.)

All I really want is for this nightmare to be over with.
So many memories with each of them just haunt me now.
Its going to be a long time to heal.

Any advice please?

Find a new woman and a new best friend.

You said she has a history of being honest . Is cheating honest?

I think she just fooled you into believing she was totally honest fot 5 years. Honest people dont just suddenly become dishonest. She made the choice to cheat. And if per chance she's actually lieing to you? Why on earth would you want THAT in your life? I'd dump her.

As for your so-called friend if you confronted him in front of his wife, no wonder he denied it. I'd dump him too. I personally believe he did it. At least now his wife has a heads-up on what he might be doing.

If you choose to keep either of these people in your life, it'll drive you nuts. You'll constantly be wondering and imagining what might be happening. It will be one fight after another. Better be done with it now and move on.

Empleh

I tend to agree with the poster above.
Youre girlfriend is right in that she has nothing to gain from her admission. Yet he seemingly, has everything to lose, sitting there next to his poor enduring wife whilst you told this story.

It is fairly clear that he has a lot more to lose by being honest here.

I am sorry that 2 such dear friends let you down in this way.
You must be a mass of confusion at this time.
Has your girlfriend given any indication of what made her stray?
i am not saying that you are in any way to blame, but if she has been trustworthy in the past, what would cause this deception. Was it just pure attraction and new feelings that she couldnt resist??
Most people would say that a relationship is a trial for a marriage - i tend to agree. If you dont get treated with respect in the way you feel you should in a relationship, what on earth chance have you got once it gets to marriage (which for some luckily is happy but there are many struggles and trials to get through).

Forgiveness is a fickle thing, a personal and individual thing. I suggest you take some time out now for yourself and review what you want and expect from your future.

Perhaps it would be better to tackle your friend alone, without his wife there (i understand why you would want this out in the open).

I hope you find the support you need, whether through close friends or here on this forum.

i wasnt sure what to expect from this forum. But i do appreciate the advice, thank you.

Finding a new best friend of 20 years is not really a feasable task. There are memories since high school and many times growing up that are now only to become just memories. I am not sure what hurts the most. The betrayal, the lies, or the loss of people that I cared for. Its almost like they both died in a car wreck.

Ive had hurt before in relationships, I think anyone has at my age. Its just an eye opener that people can be so self indulged and decieitful. I did get raised on that value system.

Ive still talked to her, and she has been overly apologetitic and putting on the charm. She understands if I feel the need to move on. But at this point I still cant come to grips with being able to do so. Maybe I just love her too much.

They say time heals all wounds. Well I am not sure even time can change this one. Its almost like I have slammed into the brick wall of life, and it has changed the way I feel about people all in general. Sure there are good people, but for the most part I will lack the ability to trust anyone for a long time to come, if ever.

My ID here is empleh
Its really the ID that I wanted, spelled backwards.

I agree with the others, but I will say this: The affair has not been going on for years, she did not leave you for him, she confessed, she has apologized. All this kind of suggests that she made have made a mistake, that she perhaps fell victim to a weakness she did not know she had.

What is necessary now is a decision on your part: Marriage counselling, or break up.

Although it's tempting to say "kick her to the curb," the reality is that there are marriages and relationships that survive infidelity. And there are people who make terrible mistakes, who regret, who sincerely desire to change. And it is very, very hard to find someone to love. If you've been happy with this woman, it would be foolish to turn your back on her given the fact that she came to you with this, rather than you finding out by accident. She is attempting to fix the situation by confessing. Yes, it is horrible, but there is some degree of loyalty there.

I would suggest that you give counselling some thought, unless you are certain you can't get over this. You know yourself better than anyone.

As for your friend, look at his history. Has he ever bragged about sexual conquests? Is he happy with his wife?

All I'm saying is, don't toss out the baby and the bathwater too quickly. And if anyone disagrees with me, that's fine, I completely understand, and they may be right.

Alethiea wrote:I agree with the others, but I will say this: The affair has not been going on for years, she did not leave you for him, she confessed, she has apologized. All this kind of suggests that she made have made a mistake, that she perhaps fell victim to a weakness she did not know she had.

What is necessary now is a decision on your part: Marriage counselling, or break up.

Although it's tempting to say "kick her to the curb," the reality is that there are marriages and relationships that survive infidelity. And there are people who make terrible mistakes, who regret, who sincerely desire to change. And it is very, very hard to find someone to love. If you've been happy with this woman, it would be foolish to turn your back on her given the fact that she came to you with this, rather than you finding out by accident. She is attempting to fix the situation by confessing. Yes, it is horrible, but there is some degree of loyalty there.

As for your friend, look at his history. Has he ever bragged about sexual conquests? Is he happy with his wife?

woah!
your comments leave me speechless.
Thats the first time someone has somewhat stood in her behalf, or made some justification as to why "we" should continue.

I appreciate that. There is much truth to what you say, and it helps me to weigh things out.

We have talked about councelling, and she is more than willing to do so. That may be an option.

As for my friend... ironically enough over a year ago his wife told him she wanted a divorce. I stood by him as a friend, and they eventually worked things out and stayed together. So the marriage has has its problems, yes. He has talked about interest other girls he works with. but says he could not bear the thought of ever losing his wife and family.

*** UPDATE **

If anyone is reading this today (and this question would apply for today only), she called about doing something tonight with me.

What should I do? Tell her I am busy? Go on a sorta "date" away from home? Go out with someone else instead? Any ideas?

I wouldn't go if I thought I would just start an argument...and I would probably just start an argument. I wouldn't be ready to start dating again yet. I would want to line up some counselling, vent some anger (somewhere, not necessarily at the person themselves, but like here or to other friends).

But whatever you feel like.

I don't think you should go out with her or spend time with her, at least not right now. The wound is still really, really fresh for you, and what she is seeking is probably for it to be over since she's missing you and wants some positive feedback. You probably aren't ready for that, am I right?

I firmly believe you need the help of a counselor for yourself. As you said, finding one right away might not happen. Just hang in there and keep looking until you can find one. And, if your ex (or whatever she is) still is committed to you, she won't screw around and will wait until you are ready to talk. You don't have to decide right away if you'll keep or toss her. Don't let anyone pressure you into that decision. She made her choice to mess around on you with someone that you cared about... she can damn well wait until you decide what to do.

As for your friend... they are tough to come by. I think he cheated with your girl, and I don't think he can be trusted. That is the worst kind of selfishness (on both their parts), and I think anyone on earth deserves better. If you keep him as a friend, never ever trust him to watch your back... he's likely to stick a knife in it all over again. He sounds like a self-centered jerk (and frankly, so does she). Even if he's unhappy with the woman he chose to marry, he could screw someone other than the woman you love.

I would not be able to forgive in this situation, but we are two different people. Take some time, talk to a professional, and make that choice for yourself. Just don't sell yourself short, whatever you do. And the fear of being alone isn't enough... decide what you want, not what you don't want. I wish you lots of luck.

The simple answer that anyone can give you is "they cheated...move on, find somebody else." But that doesn't mean that it's the right choice to make. There are many factors to consider here.

The most important thing for you to do right now, is to talk about it. You need to know some things such as:

1) When did you first have sex
2) When did you first think of him in 'that way'? HAve you ever thought of anyone else that way?
3) Why did you do it? ('I don't know' is NOT an answer here)
4) After having sex with him the first time, why did you want to do it again? Why wouldn't you do it with me instead? What was it that you got from having sex with him?
5) What happened that made you decide to confess?
6) If you were in the same situation as me, what would you do?

You need to remember that nobody is perfect. Even good people can make mistakes. That's not to excuse this type of behaviour, but I believe that if your relationship has gone on for 5 years, and this is the first time something has happened, and she confessed to you without being 'caught,' there may still be hope. But you need to make sure you find out if this was a good person making a mistake, or a bad person who has more secrets like that one still hidden.

I'm a big fan of 'working things out' as long as there are no very obvious problems present. If she told you that she had sex with several people during the course of your 5 year relationship, then I wouldn't even consider giving her another chance. But if this is the only mistake so far, then you need to 'MAKE SURE' that really is the case, then try to work it out. You should also make sure she knows that it's not just the relationship between the 2 of you that was hurt, but also the one between one of your closest friends.

One thing to keep in mind is this...If she's been with another man, and felt bad about it, and wanted to be with you, then that means she has figured out that you are worth it. She wants to be with you, and she's willing to make some sacrifices. I'm not saying for you to look at this whole situation as being a good thing, but ironically..it can help strengthen your relationship.

You also need to assert that 'IF' you are to get back together, she would have to work hard to gain back trust. And if anything like this happens again, everything is off.

I know it will be Very difficult for you to Talk about some of these things with her right now, but they are things that need to be discussed. It sounds like you really did love her, and she hurt you.

I can't give you an answer on whether to try to stay together, or to break up. Simply because I don't have a lot of information that is crucial to this decision. I believe you do need to talk to her, but do it conservatively. Protect yourself. Tell her you just want to meet to talk about it, and it doesn't mean that you're getting back together.

I hope that helps, and that your talks with her lead to something positive.

Sorry to hear what happened. Unfortunately it is going to be a painful situation for a long time. No advice will help, just that it is normal to feel the way you do. Ideally you should take sometime (1 to 2) months off and experience life single again. This will give you time to evaluate the relationship. Some relationships make it, others dont. I hope it works out for you. Just try not to take her cheating personally. Some people get caught up in the excitement of "getting away with it" or rely on others to make them feel attractive. If youve been with her for a number of years, it could be either of these. It's obvious she loves you from what you have stated, but love isnt always a good reason to stay with someone, especially if its going to be unhealthy for you.

Take care