Being Pretty Has Not Made A Difference

I don't look like a model nor do I have a stacked body. No perfect teeth, no long hair. I don't have a young, supple body with excellent clear skin. Yet men and women often tell me I am pretty. Eventhough I have stopped wearing contacts and now wear glasses exclusively, I still get these compliments.

I am most often told that I am pretty, then often I am called attractive, and sometimes I have been called beautiful. The problem, you ask? I hate it and sometimes, lately, it has infuriated me, and I have gone off and fumed to myself. It happened as recently as this morning.

Why you ask do I get angry? Because I am 48 yo and alone, because, though I have had many, I have never had a good, lasting relationship with a man. I think to myself if only all this prettiness, attractiveness and beauty mattered. If only it helped. Why can't I have someone to love me and someone to love? Why can't I find the right person?

I know that the type of men in my life are my fault. I chose them, consciously or unconsciously, but I only began to understand this in my 40s. I'm trying to do better but am not having any luck.

I guess I just wish the right man would tell me I am pretty, etc., etc. Then it would make all the difference in the world. It would really matter then.

I get compliments like this so often that I try to tell myself that most people, especially men, don't mean it. That it's just flattery or stretching the truth. That they feel sorry for me and want to make me feel good. But I cannot deny the sincerity and spontaneity of the majority of these compliments.

It seems like a waste. With my track record in love, I should be a very, very ugly person. That would justify my sad, sad love life.

Please don't write and tell me to be thankful.
Please don't write with little pat answers.
Please don't write and tell me to stop whining.
I'm just venting.

If you can relate, please write.

Pretty is as pretty does.

OK your problem is not what you look like. It's your entire attitude in life. You have a kink in your think.

It's time for you to decide why you choose men who don't work out and why you even care. If a relationship fails, that's usually a good thing not a bad one. It's all perspective.

I personally would rather not have men I'm not attracted to hit on me, or women tell me how pretty I am and how they wish they were me. When it happens, I realize others see me differently than I see myself. That can be a good thing if you let it.

Now if I'm not interested in the man that hits on me, I tell him politely I'm flattered but not interested.
As far as other women go, I accept the compliment graciously for she has seen something in me I've failed to see in myself.
I choose to accept her perception as reality.

I like myself a lot more since I adopted this approach.

I am going through the same thing. I do not think I am pretty or beautiful, but people tell me I am. I am 44 and they say I look 35. I have some great friends and a very good career. My friends and family tell me I have a great personality and sense of humour. But........ all of my relationships are with the wrong people for the right reasons. I have also found that in today's society you do not find many individuals (men or women) with loyalty, integrity and faithfulness. This is the new "ME" society. It is all about ME, ME, ME and some more of ME.
I am not going to tell you to stop whining, I understand why you are not thankful and I wish I had an answer. I have been told my problem are also the men I am picking. I do not understand that because they are all different.
If you find an answer.......... Please Post it.......... or write a book.

Maybe you're not attracting the right kind of men because of a lack of confidence, or a feeling that you don't deserve better. My first relationships were aweful and all of my friends told me to get out (but did I listen...). I feel really desperate to be in a relationship, and in some subtle way I think this belief tends to drive others away.

I would guess that the majority of women experience relationship quality problems not because of low confidence so much as the [/i]need to be in a relationship. Which causes standards to be lower, which can drive away some of the high quality men (i.e. if they sense that you're in more of a hurry to get to know them than they you, it may lessen their attraction to you). Unfortunately, it seems that men are more comfortable in being single, so by being more ancy to get a man you may be attracting more dependent-type males.

Conversely, maybe your standards are too high. Some of my most lucrative prospects turn out to be people that I couldn't ever envision myself with when first getting to know them -- particularly because of a lack of physical attraction. I read about a new book that's about this, entitled "The Year of Yes" (sorry, can't remember the author). It's a true story of how the author decided to say yes to every date she was asked to go on. She dated tons of guys, including a homeless man, and came out with her current spose (a guy who she would've dismissed otherwise).

I'm not trying to say that your relationship status is due to any of these factors, this is just how it goes for me. I'm currently in a relationship that started with nill interest in the guy, but greatly improved once I got to know him (which was months after I first slept with him). I consider it pure luck, and compensation for all of the disorders that I accrued prior to meeting him.

But if this relationship doesn't work out, I'll be back to square one... hopefully I'll learn to take my own advice.

Jessie