Guilt about lying. Need mature advice.

Hey guys, this is my first post here and I really need some help.

I've been dating my gf since November 15. A few days after we became official my best friend from Orlando came up to visit. He, our other best friend, and I went to a strip club to see a classmate of mine at work. All three of us got free lapdances. I didn't think it was cheating, but I felt it was very wrong and therefor blocked it out of my mind until yesterday. My gf opened her computer to find my facebook messages open and she saw me telling my friend about the occasion. She got really upset, of course, because the date was Nov. 22 and like I said we started dating the 15th. I told her that I told my friend about it after it happened, and that me getting the lapdance occurred before we were official. I am incredibly ashamed to say this is a lie. Why lie? Because I really, really don't want to hurt her, and I don't want her to bare ill-feelings for me and not trust me. Even though it was a terrible thing to do while in a relationship, we had gotten into a huge fight the day before and when I saw her next she wanted to break up with me, so the whole time we were apart I really didn't care how she felt. But now that everything is better, I don't want her to think I would ever cheat on her. I really don't like that type of behavior. Also, she found all this out the night before she was leaving for NH for a week long vacation with her best friend. I didn't want to tell her it happened when we were dating because I didn't want her to have to think about it and have it ruin her time. The thing is, she's already over it because she thinks it happened when we weren't official. I can't describe the guilt and shame I'm feeling. I feel like I should just swallow this one and be OK with not telling her, but I can't find the heart to do so. I feel like I need to be honest or it's going to bother me forever. I want to tell her when she gets back from vacation, but I'll be talking to her for a week while hiding the truth from her, not to mention I've been lying about it all night. I have to own up to this, don't I? I have to leave it in her hands. I don't want to lose her, but I think this is going to do it. I'm 22. Thanks guys.

I definitely wouldn't tell her that I didn't care about her when I was getting the lapdance, but I would be forthcoming about telling her that the lapdance happened when your relationship was official. I would also explain the circumstances, specifically that it happened a week after the relationship began, that your friend had just come from Orlando, that the two you had had a fight the day before, and that she had threatened to break up with you when she saw you the next time. I would wrap it up by assuring her that you are happy with your current relationship with her, that wouldn't cheat on her, that you didn't want to hurt her but felt it was important to be forthcoming, and are in ideal against infidelity in relationships.

Personally I don't think that you have to own it but if it's making you uncomfortable then so be it. When telling her the truth, I'd want to balance coming across as honest, apologetic, and reassuring with not coming across as weak, subservient, or unsure of myself. If everything goes well she might be more hesitant to use a break up as bargaining tool in later heated argument, because I believe she was using that primarily to test your strength and appraise its later value as a manipulation tactic. By going out with your friends and having a good time with the strippers, you might have passed her test and strengthened her opinion of you believe it or not.

That was awesome advice, thank you very much. I decided to tell her when she gets back from vacation.

I suppose everyone is different - but I couldn't careless if my boyfriend went to a strip club, I do not see it as cheating. If she does - then she does, but I personally feel its a little dramatic to call a lap dance cheating. Morally wrong - yes? maybe? depends on your view.

For example, if my boyfriend really enjoyed bull fighting I might have an issue with it as I think its cruel, in the same way that I might think that if he enjoys strip clubs then his values might not match up with mine. But he technically did not cheat on me as there was no kissing, sex or touching. Or even an emotional bond.

Now, the lying is the real problem here. The fact that you lied in the first place is a huge blunder on your part. Its early on and your'e already lying? she needs to be able to trust you and you need to be able to honest with her. If she doesn't like strip clubs and you do then that is an issue you would need to talk to her about before going and lying, that is not a good way of dealign with problems.

So telling her the truth, apologising for your mistake and talking out the boundaries of whats acceptable between you is a good idea.