emotional problems, please help

What do you do if someone takes three days to forgive you?

I'm in a long distance friendship with a very important friend of mine. Admittedly we only have time to speak at night. I made a mistake a few nights ago when I got moody over the fact an expensive gift she was sending me wouldn't come in for a few days, which by the time it's sent to me could mean I wouldn't receive it for another few months. I said I was sorry, but she has little trust in me (and hates it), but the severe emotional difficulties she has from being abused before and feeling taken advantage of made her feel like I was treating her like a "cash dispenser". I wasn't, but that's how she was feeling, and because I have autism and struggle with emotional issues this is hard for me. We've had difficulties before (six months ago, more of the same honestly, which made me think she can't trust me). I have treated her like this before, but out of ignorance, and over two years ago.

She says these times also remind her of the fact that it feels like she can never say if I'm being "too strong" in demanding things. The fact is though that this isn't my fault (nor is this--sigh--an excuse): I have autism, and especially over skype how the hell do I work out if someone thinks I'm being "too strong" without reading their mind? No I don't blame her for this.

I'm told that "someone's feelings are never wrong", but I feel I can't tell her that her feelings aren't grounded in reality anyway (she has a habit of shouting and screaming, and telling me that it's "natural to let off energy"), and she also tells me that "all truths are subjective". But if I don't agree with her (I do mostly), I'll be an asshole and not help? She tells me to express how I feel, then goes and feels like she's a waste of space and nobody likes her and she has no purpose to live when I say I've discussed her problems with my counsellor (I couldn't NOT do so--not unless I wanted to give my counsellor the impression my friend was beating me around the head metaphorically for no reason at all).

She also thought that in trying to argue the fact that taking three days to forgive someone over something that'd take three minutes in any other person I was saying I had done nothing wrong. I wasn't. She interprets long pauses in conversations as "displaying my guilt", or that "I'm sulking", when in reality I'm writhing on the couch, wondering what to say, how to say it, whether I need to say anything, and even if I say it will she believe it (part of that is my rock bottom self esteem)?

I gave a long and detailed explanation to her last night, but I felt frustrated when she just said "fine, but I don't know what to make of it". Okay, you can feel like that, but it's still frustrating; I'd like you to have acknowledged it more. Does that make me an asshole? She says she feels like I have all the power in the relationship, because she holds back on telling me things I need to help me. But that isn't my fault, it's her insecurities at play here. I accept this, but I can't call someone out on something--she has problems, I have to accept that. I just have to accept that.

Nor can I stay up to four in the morning (as she usually does) to try and work out if she's feeling okay. I have University, have to revise for exams in a week, have to apply for loans, have to find a new house soon...she has none of this. Her problems keep her largely housebound, she doesn't like people and she can't get a job unless she wants to. I don't mind this, but I don't have the time to wait up until four in the morning for her to feel better about things.

What can you say to someone who is still struggling with severe emotional trauma though? I know she's told me before (as nicely as she can at the time) to "grow up" and move on, but if I told her to do this and forgive me I'd be "an insensitive jerk" and "blaming me for my problems". I have a huff as much as any person, and if someone wants to hold onto this for days and days (when any other person I know, I think, would just see it as "human nature to mess up sometimes), what do I do?

Is this relationship otherwise positive and rewarding for you? From the bits you described, it sounds quite stressful to me. Sorry, I don't think I can give you any useful advice because I find myself instinctively taking your side. I too find it difficult to explain how I feel, and I don't think it's fair when people expect quick answers to emotional questions. To me it sounds like you are trying to cooperate with her despite your differences, but she is expecting you to feel and behave the same way she does, which isn't reasonable.

I hope someone else will respond with positive suggestions on how to deal with your friend.

Incidentally, how did the problems from six months ago get resolved? Can the current situation be resolved the same way?