How do I get him to listen when I say "No"?

During high school I dated this guy for three years, and since it was so long we did have a relationship that involved sex. Now during this time when I would worry about certain actions that set off alarm bells, I did confide in one person. He always told me that it was an unhealthy relationship, but always finished the discussion saying I should be with him, so I brushed it off as some form of jealousy. After doing some research of my own, I found that several aspects of our relationship fell into the abuse category, but I'm still dealing with accepting that, but that's a whole other discussion.

I'm in college now, but this ex stayed in touch on a regular basis, because we were friends before we dated and it didn't end badly. He's always sort of been around and trying to monopolize my time, but it's been getting worse lately. What happened today is what prompting me to try to finally do something about it.

I went over his house to watch a movie, and I've done this a hundred time before, because on Saturdays his family is always around, and they're really sweet people. After we get there, and he locks the door behind us, he informs me that his family will be gone all day at his younger brothers sporting tournament. Long story short, we end up in his bedroom because he believes that since we had sex in high school he still owns me. He's bigger and stronger than me, so when he pins me down, as much as I struggle, it doesn't work. He's one of those people into domination, so the more I struggle and suffer, the more he enjoys it. So today when he pinned me down, I'm not going to talk about details, but in the end what he was doing hurt so much I agreed to having sex with him later this week just to make it stop. When I got home and looked in the mirror, I saw two big bruises forming on my upper arms when he held me down with his arms, and bruises forming around my wrists where he grabbed me with his hands.

I need to know how to tell him 'No' where he'll actually hear me and listen. I don't want to involve any authorities for several reasons, and I don't have a way to just stay away from him. What do I do?

The situation you're describing sounds like one you need to get out of ASAP. Let me tell you why.

It seems like you're involved in a form of non-consensual sex. If this person is hurting you to the point where you agree to have sex with him than there is clearly something wrong. The fact that you are posting on here also demonstrates that you hold the same view. Under no circumstances should you ever have to choose between suffering bodily harm or having intercourse.

Your question was how you are supposed to get him to listen when you say No and I'm sorry to put it bluntly, but if you are being physically harmed by this relationship then I would think that the only thing you should be thinking of is the best way to cut off contact and find support for the hurt you have suffered.

With that being said, I understand that relationships are complicated and such things are further complicated by history with that person and you may think that there is friendship to be had between you two. Who knows, maybe there could be some kind of healthy relationship one day, but in the mean time this relationship where the possibility of non-consensual sex exists needs to end.

Maybe your circumstances are not as bad in actuality as I seem to think and my response will come off as harsh but I truly think that any relationship where you`re being physically and mentally harmed needs to end in the short term for personal safety reasons.

Good luck.

cablebird wrote:The situation you're describing sounds like one you need to get out of ASAP. Let me tell you why.

It seems like you're involved in a form of non-consensual sex. If this person is hurting you to the point where you agree to have sex with him than there is clearly something wrong. The fact that you are posting on here also demonstrates that you hold the same view. Under no circumstances should you ever have to choose between suffering bodily harm or having intercourse.

Your question was how you are supposed to get him to listen when you say No and I'm sorry to put it bluntly, but if you are being physically harmed by this relationship then I would think that the only thing you should be thinking of is the best way to cut off contact and find support for the hurt you have suffered.

With that being said, I understand that relationships are complicated and such things are further complicated by history with that person and you may think that there is friendship to be had between you two. Who knows, maybe there could be some kind of healthy relationship one day, but in the mean time this relationship where the possibility of non-consensual sex exists needs to end.

Maybe your circumstances are not as bad in actuality as I seem to think and my response will come off as harsh but I truly think that any relationship where you`re being physically and mentally harmed needs to end in the short term for personal safety reasons.

Good luck.

Your response is not harsh, and I really appreciate it.

I am aware that its not a good situation, but with the circumstances I'm in, i'm not sure how to cut off contact with him. We live in a small town, and hours away from any center I could go to get help. If I went to the local authorities, my mother would kick me out because she'd see it as an embarrassment. The guy has his own car, and he always keeps tabs on me and where I am, which is usually my house. My mother loves him for whatever reason so she always lets him in.

I'm just lost on how to get away from him, so that's why I was trying to ask for advice on how to say no instead, because I don't see a way out.

Frankly young lady,

I'd take our bruises to your local police station and let them pass on your message of NO.

And I'd think badly of anyone who'd put embararssment before safety.

Perhaps I'm wrong but isn't forced intercourse more commonly known as rape ? That he keeps tabs on you probably gets close to stalking.

whybother wrote:Frankly young lady,

I'd take our bruises to your local police station and let them pass on your message of NO.

And I'd think badly of anyone who'd put embararssment before safety.

Perhaps I'm wrong but isn't forced intercourse more commonly known as rape ? That he keeps tabs on you probably gets close to stalking.

I would really love too, trust me, it's been going on long enough I really just want to be rid of it.

I just don't have the means to be financially independent yet. I didn't grow up in the best environment, and ever since I turned 18 last year, my mom has been looking for an excuse to kick me out because now she can legally, and I wouldn't have anywhere to go.

I just...don't know how to go forward. It seems like every option has some obstacle I shouldn't go around or don't really have the option to.

Hi Kyrisagwa,

It sounds like you are in a very dangerous situation. Is there someone you trust that you could stay with?
No matter what, it is extremely important you are never alone with this guy. There is no reasoning with someone who would rape you. Please stay safe and consider going to the police. I know that is easier said than done, but a crime was committed against you; you deserve to be heard and he deserves to be punished.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Please stay safe.
*warm hugs*
Thinking of you,
Evol

Hey Kyrisagwa,

Kyrisagwa wrote:I need to know how to tell him 'No' where he'll actually hear me and listen. I don't want to involve any authorities for several reasons, and I don't have a way to just stay away from him. What do I do?

I'm sure that you could work out new, more direct and forceful ways of saying "no", but given what you've told us about his use of force I don't think that's a sound plan to prevent you from being sexually assaulted or raped. He will most likely exhibit the same behaviour and achieve the same result. I think you need to work out ways to avoid contact completely and the most effective way of doing that is reported him to the police and asking for a restraining order.

Kyrisagwa wrote:If I went to the local authorities, my mother would kick me out because she'd see it as an embarrassment. The guy has his own car, and he always keeps tabs on me and where I am, which is usually my house. My mother loves him for whatever reason so she always lets him in.

There are two things here. If your Mother is going to kick you out of her house for being sexually assaulted and raped in her home then I don't think that would be a home you would want to live in. I'm sure if you contacted the police or social services they would be able to provide you with some sound advice on where to find room and board. Also, it's a moot point about whether or not your Mother is embarrassed about what happened to you. She ought to feel embarrassed, ashamed and guilty that she let this happen to her 18 year old daughter and likewise for your former boyfriend. They're both exploiting the fact that being sexually assaulted or raped is perceived as being shameful to alleviate themselves of the shame that they, not you, rightly deserve for being horrible.

Go to the police. Report that you were sexually assaulted and raped. If you still have bruises on your arms I would show those to whomever you see. Ask to press charges and for a restraining order. Contact your local women's shelter (see PM) and see if they can accommodate you in an emergency then tell your Mother what happened. If she kicks you out then you can go to the emergency shelter. If you can't get to an emergency shelter and have to stay with your Mother remember as a fixed resident of her home she is not legally allowed to kick you out of her home. She is legally required to give you notice. For most states this is around three months but it varies from state to state. In that time you can make arrangements for moving out and applying for social assistance.

Take care, good luck and best wishes.

One person above me mentioned never being alone with him. I would second that notion. That seems like a (relatively) easy thing you can try and implement to minimize potential danger. The next step is to get out of that situation. Not knowing your circumstances I don't know what advice I can really offer if you refuse to go to the authorities. Find someone you trust and get some advice. Or perhaps talk to a medical doctor?