This is soft of grief and loss also, PLease help

New member
Coming to the board , after I called for appointment with a doctor,( first ever) they never called back, So im really hoping someone here might be able to offer some suggestions. All the online tests tell me i have both, or a good bit of avoidance personality disorder and schizoid personality disorder. And my life shows it, no friends outside of a few "business" friends. From what i have read, going to work is big undertaking for some, but not for me. No friends outside of work. No social activity , I play games and watch tv all weekend

Now my relation problem and grief and loss, and im going to post something people might take offense at, please be nice.

Im married (meet totally by accident 13 years ago) The sex in the relationship stopped because of medical reasons. I was able to use my hand for 10 years , i held out and stayed faithful for over a decade. Sex stopped while i was in my 30ies. Last year i cracked. I Still love my wife . Posted on craigslist and low and behold, i was actually able that to hold conversations with one woman who responded .All others I couldn’t even write a email to , let alone talk to. Posting was for a NSA relationship. Needless to say my NSA went a little further, feelings were developed. She was in love with another married man in another state. She fell hard for him, but he had a semi reconcile with his wife and moved back home 2 years ago. She waited, no sex, he said a few times he was leaving his wife again but wimped out. They stayed in contact via email. Our relationship was cooking right along, we get along great, the sex is hot & sweaty type, and even better, my social issues seem to almost disappear around her. I actually talk and have conversations when im with her,and other people as long as shes close , which stops after we split ways. Then it happened , she got a plane ticket from him. Its strictly for a weekend romp, THIS WEEKEND. When she told me earlier this week, all my feelings of rejection and the memories of failed attempts of even trying to talk to women , let along pick them up in bars during my single drinking years came rushing back. To put my failures into perspective, from 12th grade to when I started seeing my wife 13 years later, I had no sex, no dates, 1 friend. I have NO experience with relationships. She is my 3rd girlfriend in my life. She has made it clear she wants to resume our relationship when she gets back. We have talked about whats best for her in the past, for her to find a full time boyfriend /husband and drop this guy, the one she loves. I have come to the conclusion I have to drop her when she gets back. Why, because I will continue to have strong feelings for her, and if she ever did find another boyfriend, she would of course drop me. And I would have to go through this hell again.
By her just being way this weekend, going to see a guy she knows who is never going to leave his wife, its KILLING me. Sunday they are meeting up and she basically told me they wont be leaving the hotel room because he can’t end seen with her. He’s in the same hotel with others from his company. He’s a powerful exec who makes tons of money., International travel, masters degree. Honesty I don’t know what she sees in me, I cant hold a candle to this man. He’s tall and handsome( seen his pic), im not, don’t make 1/4 the money he does.
This past week has been pure hell, I cant sleep more then 4 hours, while writing my dear kim letter to send later, I kept breaking into tears, my stomach is in knots, im a basket case. Im in bad shape now, Sunday will kill me, they are due to meet up midday. Im basically planning to knock myself out tonight with a sleeping pill. THIS WILLL NOT HELP Saturday and Sunday day times and Monday morning while im at work and hes getting his last piece. She comes home Monday noon .WHAT CAN I DO? I cant break down crying in front of my wife, but I cant handle this now—Saturday will be worse and Sunday ill be throwing up and crying at the same time while im visualizing this pig doing everything sexual under the sun to her . I CANT CALM DOWN, I have no meds whosoever PLEASE HELP>>>>>>>

beerbill2013 wrote:after I called for appointment with a doctor,( first ever) they never called back

That's poor service! Perhaps they were closed over the Christmas period? Maybe try again, or find someone else.

beerbill2013 wrote:Now my relation problem and grief and loss, and im going to post something people might take offense at, please be nice.

As well as grief and loss, it sounds like you are feeling a lot of jealousy. You seem to want this woman's affections exclusively. However she's married to someone else, and you only advertised for NSA sex. She doesn't seem to be offering any commitment, and yet you seem to want that from her. I think this path can only lead to hurt and disappointment.

beerbill2013 wrote:I have come to the conclusion I have to drop her when she gets back.

I think you are right.

Does your wife know about your relationship with this woman? If not, you may like to consider telling her. Some of the pain you are feeling may come from having nobody to talk to, and being burdened by guilty secrets. I think it can be difficult to be emotionally intimate with somebody when hiding secrets from them. You may have initially sought a sexual relationship, but maybe it became an emotionally-dependent relationship in part because you needed to hide the sexual relationship from your wife, and thus had nobody to talk about this secret part of your life.

If you can't talk to your wife, is there someone else you can talk to in real life? There may be a 24-hour phone counselling service available in your country.

Good luck getting through Sunday, and be careful with the sleeping pills.

Thanks for the reply. The doctor is really the only game in town. The doctor himself is highly though of, his staff is this the issue. Your right, but to keep my post as short as possible,i left things out, one of those things is during one our lunch dates, i told her i was getting feelings for her and she told me she had started have feelings for her.I know also, its jealousy, but also for the reason , that around here, all my social issues fade, not around anyone else has this happened.

My wife doesnt know , i dont want to hurt, but after 10 years in a sexless marriage , i needed a little human contact. No one else, due to my conditions , i can talk to.I dont trust anyone that much at work to talk to about this.I know that would help, but again the way i am doesnt really "allow " friends

Thanks for your reply , breaking it next week is the only way to isolate myself from these feelings.They will fade. I know i wont be able to enter another type of relationship because these same issues would happened again. I was actually started to feel like a member of the human race again, with her and
the sex

beerbill2013 wrote:The doctor is really the only game in town.

Are there any counsellors or therapists in town? They may be worth a try.

beerbill2013 wrote:but also for the reason , that around here, all my social issues fade, not around anyone else has this happened.

I wonder if this is simply because around her you felt confident and happy. Perhaps you will feel this way again if you can be in a similarly positive relationship?

beerbill2013 wrote:but after 10 years in a sexless marriage , i needed a little human contact.

I think this is completely understandably. It sounds as if being in a sexless marriage wasn't fulfilling your sexual or intimacy needs and was causing you to feel depressed and to have low self-esteem.

beerbill2013 wrote:I know i wont be able to enter another type of relationship because these same issues would happened again.

Is that what you want and think is best? Or simply what you consider to be the only option?
If it were me, I would consider different options. It appears that you are not currently fulfilled by your marriage. You seem to need more physical and emotional intimacy than you are currently sharing with your wife. So these are some other options that I think may be worth exploring:

- Talk to your wife about what you want and find ways to be closer to her (emotionally and physically). You said the sex stopped between you for medical reasons. Does this remove the possibility of all types of sex, or only some? Would she be willing to pleasure you sexually in some way if she knew how much it meant to you? (It would probably bring you two closer together. And it doesn't have to be all one-way - you could give her a massage or find a way to pleasure her that she enjoys.)

- Another option that may help with getting more physical intimacy in your marriage could be to introduce a third person. How would you and your wife feel about finding a playmate so that you can have something like a threesome? (Keep in mind that your wife may also have unfulfilled sexual needs, and she may benefit from having a way to express herself sexually. If she can't have sex with you, maybe she would enjoy some intimacy with a woman?)

- If you cannot get closer to your wife, consider how your needs for more intimacy can be met with someone else. A friend or counsellor could help with wanting emotional closeness. A sex worker or another f*ck buddy could help with wanting sex. However if you want to find someone to have sex with, I suggest telling your wife. As long as you keep it a secret, you may drive a wedge of guilt and deceit between you and her, and that will probably make you feel lonelier and dependent emotionally on whomever you're having sex with. (So you could end-up in a similar situation to the one you're in now.)

- Divorce your wife and look for a relationship that better meets your needs.

There are probably other options, so don't get trapped into thinking that you have no choice!

If you're not happy in your marriage, I doubt that you are doing your wife or yourself any favours by keeping things as they are. You wrote "i dont want to hurt", and I think you meant that you don't want to hurt your wife. But consider that you may have already done so. She may want to be closer to you, but may feel ashamed and like a failure because you two don't have sex together. (Maybe similar to how you feel, she also feels depressed or has low self-esteem about your relationship?) And she may already suspect that you have sex outside the marriage.

Talking to her about how you feel and what has happened may result in some angry arguments, but it will also clear the air between you, and give things a chance to move in a more positive direction. Even if it results in your wife and you breaking-up, maybe that would be preferable to feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage?

“Are there any counsellors or therapists in town? They may be worth a try.”

None worth a hill of beans, poor reviews by patients , nearest would be 70 miles away

“I wonder if this is simply because around her you felt confident and happy. Perhaps you will feel this way again if you can be in a similarly positive relationship?”

Could be but if that is the case, she by far is the only one that was gotten me so far out of my shell, my wife doesn’t seem to have the effect she does.
“I think this is completely understandably. It sounds as if being in a sexless marriage wasn't fulfilling your sexual or intimacy needs and was causing you to feel depressed and to have low self-esteem”


.
“Is that what you want and think is best? Or simply what you consider to be the only option?
If it were me, I would consider different options. It appears that you are not currently fulfilled by your marriage. You seem to need more physical and emotional intimacy than you are currently sharing with your wife. So these are some other options that I think may be worth exploring”

I love my wife, we share similar problems difference :and everything, evert doctor and pill she has taken has done nothing.we had a good long talk about it yesterday, these problems, the doctors can do nothing but pour dones of meds down her. “T

talk to your wife about what you want and find ways to be closer to her (emotionally and physically). You said the sex stopped between you for medical reasons. Does this remove the possibility of all types of sex, or only some? Would she be willing to pleasure you sexually in some way if she knew how much it meant to you? (It would probably bring you two closer together. And it doesn't have to be all one-way - you could give her a massage or find a way to pleasure her that she enjoys.)”

We have , she considers sex—almost dirty. Before it stopped it was for me to fulfill my needs, two type of sex were only allowed, be doing oral on her and missionary position, she was not open to ANYTHING else.

“Another option that may help with getting more physical intimacy in your marriage could be to introduce a third person. How would you and your wife feel about finding a playmate so that you can have something like a threesome? (Keep in mind that your wife may also have unfulfilled sexual needs, and she may benefit from having a way to express herself sexually. If she can't have sex with you, maybe she would enjoy some intimacy with a woman?)”

She would not go for this in an way shape or form, also because the meds shes currently on cause server weight gain, when I meet her 13 years ago, she was 5”8 snf about 160, currently about 225 and it’s the meds that cuase the weight gain, she can get like a bird and no drop any weight.


“Divorce your wife and look for a relationship that better meets your needs”

I have given in through but I could never, several reasons, it will take this now semi stable person pursuing a masters degree amd destroy her mentally. She can not support her slf and because of family issues can not “go” anywhere> I would explain in a less public form, along with my dear kim letter to the other woman,it will explain tons of things about me, but I would never post that in a public forum.If I could get your email??.

beerbill2013 wrote:None worth a hill of beans, poor reviews by patients , nearest would be 70 miles away

Ah that's a shame. There are online counsellors (some give advice via email, others use Skype or MSN etc.) So that's something you could look into if you wanted to.

beerbill2013 wrote:evert doctor and pill she has taken has done nothing.we had a good long talk about it yesterday, these problems, the doctors can do nothing but pour dones of meds down her.

It's good that you are able to talk about it. It must be frustrating for both of you that she cannot get any real help for the problem. Sometimes it seems as if female sexual health is not yet as well understood as male sexual health.

beerbill2013 wrote:We have , she considers sex—almost dirty. Before it stopped it was for me to fulfill my needs, two type of sex were only allowed, be doing oral on her and missionary position, she was not open to ANYTHING else.

Is this something that could change in the future? If she considers sex to be dirty, maybe this attitude came from somewhere, such as from religious beliefs or something her parents said. If she would be open to reconsidering sex as a way of sharing intimacy or of expressing feelings towards each other, maybe she may become more open to trying other sexual activities?

If she's reluctant to touch you in a sexual way and will only consider playing a 'passive' role, maybe you could ask her if she would cuddle or hold you whilst you masturbate? (Or some other variation of this that appeals to you.) Then she's not being asked to do anything 'dirty', but at least she's there with you, so there is some intimacy - you'd still be sharing a sexual moment together. Bear in mind that it might be very awkward for her at first, so if she is willing to try, be supportive and encouraging.

beerbill2013 wrote:I have given in through but I could never, several reasons

I understand. It sounds like you love your wife and are considerate of her situation.

beerbill2013 wrote:but I would never post that in a public forum.If I could get your email??

You're welcome to send me anything by PM, but I don't want to give out my email address. I hope that's okay. I also don't want to give you the impression that I'm a counsellor or anything like that. I just read your post and wanted to reply because I was worried that some people would be inclined to judge you for having sex outside marriage, and I didn't think that would be helpful to you.

i will try and post my dear kim letter in a private message to you.I am seeing a professional thursday 9 am. Being away from her has helped me understand better,i had epiphany while driving to work from home from lunch. Part of the issue why im so hooked on the other girl, is because of several reasons, i no longer see my wife as a wife, but as someone to take care of. SHe has lots of needs,cant do much, i do all cooking, cleaning , housework in general, and its been this way for years,i feel now that i know why i feel the way i feel about the other womin, check your inbox for my deak kim letter

beerbill2013 wrote:i will try and post my dear kim letter in a private message to you.

Thanks for sharing this with me. I think it's a great and touching letter, but I want to reply about it via PM.

beerbill2013 wrote:I am seeing a professional thursday

I'm pleased to hear this. I hope it is a positive experience for you. It can take some time to build rapport with a professional, so you may not be able to tell them everything (or to trust them enough to tell them everything) in one appointment.

beerbill2013 wrote:i had epiphany while driving to work from home from lunch. Part of the issue why im so hooked on the other girl, is because of several reasons, i no longer see my wife as a wife, but as someone to take care of. SHe has lots of needs,cant do much, i do all cooking, cleaning , housework in general, and its been this way for years,i feel now that i know why i feel the way i feel about the other womin

Wow, that is an epiphany. It sounds quite insightful, and it makes sense to me. It is not easy to be a full-time carer for somebody, especially somebody who you thought would be your equal and partner. For a long time you may have been feeling that you do and give a lot for your wife without getting as much back in return. Over years this may have taken a toll on you. Maybe having sex with the other woman was a way to give to yourself? And to take a needed break from always caring for your wife?

I plan on laying it all out to the professional Thursday. Even if he isn’t a marriage therapist. I have been cleared for 8 appoints with him via my insurance company. I think you might have a slight misunderstanding of my wifes condition, might be due to my typing and not proof reading. My wife has no real physical disability, its all emotional. She has several conditions, the ones I currently suffer from as well, along with a serve vitamin deficiency. But that’s why I had access to all those meds I used to knock myself out. She a fully physical functional person, but “upstairs” she suffers from more issues then I ever will. But its because of all these factors shes of no real help around the home, and has 1 close friend who lives 2000 miles away.Il will PM you about kim