Whats my problem?

Im 27. Ive come to the conclusion that I have some unusual problems. Allow me to elaborate with detail...

Ive always been shy or reserved... always. At least until I think I can trust someone, but people are hard to trust. Both my parents are passed away and I lived with my moms sister until college. As far as I can remember in elementary school I wasnt social with anyone, I would just keep to myself... and do my own thing. In middle school, the same issues, except I became very good friends with a girl. We were the only two at the bus stop, I guess you can say she tried to open me up. She was my one and only friend who later turned to girlfriend.

In highschool same issues as above, I suppose you can say I did nothing but school, study, be with the girlfriend. I have some memorial moments with the girlfriend I met, I had fun with her and I truely felt as if I was alive and productive... but a week before I was going to college, she broke up with me because she said I was not giving her the attention that she deserved... common sense tells me that shes not happy, so I let her go. In a way Im shattered... but the other side of me Im happy for her because she found someone better. I feel violated because I told her 100% of everything over the years... only person I could talk to.

No one teased me in school or anything like that, but I know its stupid, but when people would try to talk to me I just didnt really know what to say, I wasnt rude... they ask me questions I answer them... I was just a loner and kept to myself. I have no friends
that I talk to regularly, Im on www.myspace.com ... and everyone from my highschool, even some people from my college added me... and even a couple of randoms... people leave me comments, and a select handful messaged me regarding my work... but no interests in *ME*. I created the account just so people could keep up with each other and see what everyone is doing in hopes to try and actually get with friends to try and make a change... no progress.

When I look at other people I see all the positives, I think they seem normal, and they look fine. When I look at myself in the mirror (which I sometimes avoid) I see flaws and negatives... even though I truly believe I look great.. if theres one person that I could relate with in looks I would say Tom Cruise, because the similarities are so close. I see people everyday walking around living their lives, and they all seem happy, and I want that. Hell, Ive never had a birthday party or anything like that for that matter.

Im almost 28, half of my life is gone.. your 20's are suppose to be the best years of your life. I feel like Ive missed out on everything. I dont have anything in my life except my job and dreams, I work as a federal agent in the government... I absolutely love my job... but I have nothing, I work so much that they make me go on mandatory leave and I have nothing to do except run, swim, lift weights, sleep. I joined to help others to make up for the rest of my life, Ive saved others in risk of my own.. and it makes me feel good. Although I am happy while working that is only 50%... the other 50% is actually having someone to spend time with. I would like to goto the park with a child someday and do other great things... I have a great income but nothing to take advantage with it.

I just cannot continue like this, I need someone to talk to... someone that would actually understand me.... and thats the way it is. I dont know where this post will lead to, just liked to write it all down as it came to me. I regrettably apologize if this is the wrong place to post.

Thanks,
Carson

Hi, I'm going to offer my advice based on personal experience with similar issues, so I hope some of it may be helpful.

First of all, have you tried counseling or therapy? It could be beneficial to work through the loss of your parents, and reflect on how that may have contributed to your current social interaction style (maybe you withdraw to not get too close to others, out of fear of being hurt/abandoned?). I have some abandonment issues from childhood trauma, and it's REALLY hard for me to confide in the people who are closest to me -- although it's much easier to confide in someone less close, as I don't value/need their friendship as much, so I don't fear losing them.

I think letting your true self out is hard for everyone, but when it interferes with your social interactions it indicates that you may need more help to actually do it. One problem that I had was that I didn't even know myself... and I'm not even talking about developing a stronger sense of self in adulthood (or "discovering" oneself) just the basics: interests, hobbies, and my definition of self ("spontaneous; hard worker; etc"). When in high school, we were given basic fact sheets at the beginning of some of our classes to fill out. This was always a stressful thing for me, since I had to grill my brain to try to come up with some kind of interests, hobbies, etc. I did the same things as you to occupy my time (work and working out); it's easier to focus only on what's required of you than develop yourself further -- especially if you don't like yourself.

I adopted my friends and families beliefs, and activities instead of creating my own. This is a reason why you need to develop yourself before trying to reach out to others, and create new relationships. I am of the belief that unhealthy people attract the same, which was certainly true of my first two relationships. The guys I picked were closed off emotionally, and refused to confide in me, or let me know who they really were. Which reflected my behaviors (though I was in denial about it, and dogged them endlessly to open up to me...I needed them to show me that they too were vulnerable before I could let my guard down).

Perhaps you can relate to some of this, and/or feel that your problems in confiding in others may be partially due to the fact that you don't really know yourself. How can one expect to describe to others what they aren't quite sure of, or lack a strong, self-developed belief in? It really helped me to live on my own for this past year, and I've heard from others that this is a great way to learn who you really are. I'm not trying to say that you should try to keep others out of your life while you're working on yourself, but maybe slowly slipping into confiding in others would be best until you feel like you've mastered some of the issues bothering you.

Ok, I'm finally going to stop. I hope I don't make you feel like I'm forcing definitions of your problems on you, since I don't really have any idea of all of the contributing factors. Good luck with all of this!

Jessie[/i]

Hey Jesse thanks for replying,

Counseling or therapy, I want to avoid that... one reason is because of my work, I would likely have to resign because of personal problems. It took a lot of effort on my part just to get past the interview with the board members. Not only that but I dont believe I should have to pay someone to indulge in my life... and frankly I bet most dont even care.

I believe I withdrawl from others because of being hurt or abandoned... you hit that on the spot. I believe if I tell anyone too much they will avoid me because of all the issues... or possibly spread gossip... or just plain think Im wierd... although withdrawl
is odd enough. I dont believe anyone wants to talk to someone about negative stuff. I want to talk about positive things I am just lonely want to talk to others, but honestly I dont think anyone is interested in me and I dont know what to say to them. I dont feel like Im interesting or fun enough for others, maybe boring. If that makes sense.

I remember those fact sheets... not only highschool but elementary, middle, high, college too. I too experience that pressure to fill everything in... I sometimes would just leave things blank... not like they can make you write your interests. I dont know myself. Theres a lot of things I want to do, but theyre only dreams. My life consists of work, running, kickboxing, swimming, weight lifting, sleep... if I miss any one of those during any day I feel wierd like its not a complete day, its affectious. God help me what happens if something happens to me and I cant do any of those.

One thing that I like is fashion, I buy lots of magazines and I buy a lot of clothes, shoes, hats etc... but no where to wear the stuff... but I just like it. I goto the mall to shop and goto the stores and girls working help me pick out things, they enjoy helping me I can see it... smiling and laughing but none try to open me up so I suppose theyre just not interested, and just enjoy the attention from what they were previously doing.

I do believe I look just as good if not better than any other guy out there. Externally I like myself, internally I dont... because I dont have the social life or the happiness that others experience. I dont have no friends, I dont get to do what other people do my age, I dont know what fun is, Ive missed out on so much, never been to a themepark or anything like that, no music concerts, sports, fishing, couldnt goto restaurants because no one to go with....the list is long. The media is interesting... I truely admire the people on TV, like those on MTV in that one show Laguna Beach... Id love to be able to do some of the things they do.... Thats the social life I want.

The old girlfriend I use to see use to tell me how beautiful my smile is, among other compliments like eyes and how I speak. When I do talk, I often have had people be shocked that I spoke... and sometimes I remember how she would say things like "wow where did that come from that was really random" and she would laugh. I have had sex with her quite a lot, at the beginning I would just try and avoid it or I freeze up trying to figure out what was going on... but she convinced me to do it.

I dont know if Im trying to prove something or what but Im not afraid of threats or harm... I probably have no conscious... and in my job I experience many situations that most wouldnt want to be a part of. I just like to help others, makes me feel real... alive and productive like I actually exist even though I dont think they notice. Im just very lonely but maybe theres a reason why its like that. I believe something is trying to protect me from others and talking to them.

Carson

Carson,

If I may offer anything (and keep in mind that this is only my opinion) I would like to give you some advice:

Don't bother comparing yourself to other people.

Not at all. You are you and that is worth being grateful for. The infinite spirit that houses all our minds, bodies and souls loves us all no matter what. If you can tap into that force then, I believe, you have got a clue to the puzzle of gratitude for life.

There's no sense in getting stuck in thoughts of inadequacy or vanity.

I think it's terrific that you have been sensing a call to change and have recognized this. You have also gotten up the courage to reach out to others on this forum which is likely a bigger step than you realize. I hope you go further and really do warm up to others in this lifetime. Without sharing, life isn't worth much.

So, I think, if you can

a) ditch the identity search via what you do and what you look like and discover your true nature (which is that little bundle of joy you see in so many children)

b) take some small steps to open up to others. I say small steps because, as one counsellor told me, if we leap into change we have a tendency to jump back to where we were before and we are even more afraid to metamorphosize. Perhaps the first step might be to not avoid eye contact too much (without staring at people) if that's an issue. Then you might try smiling if you are inspired to do so. Talk to people, etc... bit by bit...

Also, just remember that you are young and making changes now will be much easier and benificial than later. I would surmise, that since your parents became absent at an early age, you lost that emotional bond and became scared that others wouldn't be there to lean on or share our feelings with (not in a way that is childish or overbearing) but in a more matter-of-fact sense that allows us to work on communicating our needs and wants with a loved one. For example, a non-communicative husband might say nothing or "I'm fine. Can we get ready for our dinner out? We're going to be late." Meanwhile, someone who is more transparent with their feelings might say "Well, you know I just feel really frozen on my feet when you raise your voice and wave your arms around and I need you to slow down and tell me exactly what is bothering you so that I know if I did anything wrong so I can help."

As for me, I still have parents but my father wasn't around (we didn't meet until I was 22) and my stepdad and mom who raised me on a tight budget, were just out of divorces so no one really paid too much attention to me. Also, my mother had some real issues around nurturing that she got from her family, etc... etc... The point is that I can relate. I know what it's like to alienate people. I like solitude but there are many times (especially around pretty women) that I wished I would've opened up a bit. That's OK. Everything is as it should be for my development ultimately. Life is a learning game so I don't worry about it.

So good luck.

J.D. P.S.: Saying affirmations is a really good idea. You might want to try it.

Wow... in reading this, I can relate to you Carson and definitely you, Jessie. I just posted 'Should I leave'. Jess, your post here struck home. I have trust issues and have closed myself off to almost everyone, but the guy I am living with now, who, like all the others I have dated is closed and emotionally detached. Not sure why I always tend to gravitate towards those types, but I assume it is related to the sexual abuse I lived through as a child (at the hand of my father). Carson, I can relate to you, because I am going through all the other issues you are having now, too, but I am 30. All I do is work (from home, so that does not help my social interactions at all), work out, clean the house and cook. I never go out to eat, or see movies, or do anything beyond that... partly because the person I am with won't do anything. Maybe it is best for people in our situations to take a chance and venture out alone and do things. You never know where you will meet new friends. I know that many cities have singles groups that have dinners, ventures and events. I am to the point I have to do something. Although I am with someone, I am lonely as well. I love to work and work out, but there has to be more! I hope we both find it!

Ive taken a step forward...

I talked to a couple of the most attractive girls this week at the mall who were helping me with clothes... very friendly towards me and showed a lot of interest. The only thing was they were all either 16, 17, and one was 18... so I backed off on those. Young is great... but 21-27 would be acceptable I think.

I talked to a few on myspace, had some conversations but I feel repulsed by some of the girls... theyre just too interested or theyre luring me in....

Another one on myspace she added me as a friend, so about two days later I send her a message relating to her major in college and her job... Im thinking simple yet casual question.. no response and its been almost a week.

Again another girl on myspace who I actually know from a about a year ago... this time I request to add her as a friend, she accepts. Two days later I send her a message relating to her major and her job... no response just about been a week.

Why request me as a friend or accept me as a friend if youre not going to talk to each other? Am I not allowed to ask a girl what her major in college is, or what her job is like? Or am I not doing something right? Its not like Im desperate or needy... Im not telegraphing it here, and Im certainly not like the other million guys out there who begin to worship them and comment about their looks or anything.

common compliments from guys on these girls pages, excuse me if any of this is offending:

"youre so hot"
"damn seen that sexxy ass an like what i saw"
"thanx for the add looking really fly sexy cutie well dont be a stranger now kiss and hug to"
"u look amazing"
"youre so damn gorgeous"
"sup cutie,
luv da new pics. you have such a sexy tummy. and def sexy eyes.hit me up sum, tyme to chat holla 1"
"sup girl, eva bKeen out wit a thug"
"boy oh boy u r mighty ###$ fine!"

I could go on and on but I believe I have made my point.

I laugh because it really shows their ages, its like a group of dogs trying to lick her... although she is 22. In my opinion why compliment on the obvious?

Carson,

I think you're choosing to flirt with women who won't be good for you. I can relate; I spent years doing just that. I believe there was something in my subconcious that was motivating me to failure in my relationships. It's taken me this long (and I'm in my mid-30's now) to feel good about myself and feel like I've finally made the space for a loving, committed relationship with my heart's true desire. Although this hasn't happened yet, I'm 100% more confident it will happen than I was a couple of years ago. I built up my confidence by saying affirmations nightly (they work!)

I think, Carson, that your heart desires a woman who will lavish you with love and you her in return. You just need to believe it will happen -- no ifs, ands or buts. Clear out any fears and doubts that you will be like this the rest of your life. Your heart's desire must be met if you believe it and you should believe it. I'll bet there are hundreds of girls who would love to go out with you. Just remember, even with affirmations, chances are, your soul mate won't appear like a puff of magic smoke. Just have patience; she's out there looking for you, sir.

I guarantee it will happen for you (if that is your believe.) We attract our desires and fears so focus on what your heart desires. You, like anyone else, deserve to have your sincere desires met. So, chin up, eh? And, be positive!

All the Best,
A Guest

I was just curious is it possible I may have HPD - Histrionic Personality Disorder?

What are the indicators of that because I went to the forum.. and I read the first Stickied topic, read through it there was a list of questions towards the bottom..

* Have other people told you that you always need to be the center of attention?
* Do people sometimes misinterpret your friendliness as a romantic or sexual invitation?
* Do your emotions change quickly? Has anyone ever commented that your emotions do not seem real or sincere?
* Are you disappointed if people don't notice how you look?
* (Note if during the assessment these individuals do not relate concrete examples with appropriate detail about significant events. Are they impressionistic and vague rather than specific and detailed?)
* Do you think you would make a good actor or actress?
* Do your opinions change depending on who you are with? If someone says they have a headache or upset stomach, do you find you feel the same thing?
* Do you sometimes get hurt in relationships because you think the relationship is more serious than the other person does?
* Do you feel a close personal relationship with a boss or a professional you have not known very long

Im very much on the agreeance of these questions.

Nevermind I figured it out, that above ^^^.. is nothing but a dream.. that is the type of person I want to be hence I am into fashion and my physical attributes... which would tie up perfectly for that by the way. The center of attention, popular, social etc.. thats what I want... what I want to be.

I continued my research reading about AVP - Avoidant Personality Disorder... its quite obvious 99.9% without even having to be diagnosed that I have AVP.

Carson,

I think trying to label yourself is counterproductive. Since it's inception, the diagnostic and statistical manual, basically a bible for shrinks, has started out with just over 100 mental disorders and now it has close to 400. I don't believe in it's narrow mindset. Just think, of all the people you know who've gone through therapy, which one of them is happier today?

You're a human being... so please, give yourself permission to be one. And, love yourself warts and all. No one else can do that for you. You're here now and you obviously want a different tomorrow.... sounds like you need some sort of person to help you but you're worried about your workplace giving you the shaft because of it.

However, what's worked for me was someone who has a ticket from the Federation of Spiritual Healers. Shop around, you might find one. They've trained from abbys in Britain who use techniques 1,000's of years old such as laying of hands to awaken your spirit. I found one by asking someone at a buddhist retreat centre.

J. Dubb