My dad is cheating and he knows I know. What to do?

Hey there,

I am a 20 year old student with a younger sister and great parents. They raised me really well, and I've been able to make them proud through many extracurricular activities. Two years ago, I started a business that I grew to over a million dollars, and my family - especially my dad - is extremely proud of my accomplishments. I go to school in another city, and always have conversations with my dad over the phone for feedback on how I'm running my business.

My dad has always been my biggest role model. He lived the perfect 'rags to riches' story where he was a renowned professor, lost everything after moving our family to the US, delivered pizzas to support his family due to the weak economy, and eventually built himself back up into an executive role at a big company. All throughout he took care of his family, and although we were poor, my sister and I had an amazing childhood. Now he travels a lot and comes home to my mom and sister a couple times a year.

Earlier this year, I found out from my mom that she had caught my dad cheating with someone at his work. I confronted him over the phone and had a long talk (mostly one-way) about how inappropriate it was, and that he should choose between her and his family. This was the first time I talked to my dad like this. All he said was ok about 50 times before we finished the conversation. That day he bought some lobsters and cooked a massive meal for my sister and my mom so I thought the problem was resolved.

Now it's December and I just came back home for winter vacation. I had no idea the first day that he had started again (with the same girl) and we all got along pretty well. However the day after, I found my mom crying and found out that he had started again just weeks before I came back.

So I'm pissed off, and have no idea how to deal with this the proper way. I want my family to go back to the way it was before, especially for my sister who's just starting high school. It's been a couple of days now, and I've largely conveyed to my dad that I do not respect him any more. I give one-word answers to his questions and don't talk to him otherwise. I can see him cautiously trying to participate when I'm with my mom and sister at home, and when he tries I usually give him the 'cold shoulder' and he just goes away.

I feel awful but I don't know how else to handle this situation. Do you have any tips?

Thanks!

deenio wrote:My dad has always been my biggest role model. He lived the perfect 'rags to riches' story where he was a renowned professor, lost everything after moving our family to the US, delivered pizzas to support his family due to the weak economy, and eventually built himself back up into an executive role at a big company. All throughout he took care of his family, and although we were poor, my sister and I had an amazing childhood. Now he travels a lot and comes home to my mom and sister a couple times a year.

I don't think there's much you can do to change the situation. That's real life, sadly. You're only 20 so, despite you're accomplishments, you're still learning what the real world is like and in the real world people cheat on their spouses. You probably had some sort of intellectual understanding when you were younger, but now you can say you truly get it. It's not just some distant concept anymore and there's a big difference isn't there. People aren't perfect and now you're in a situation where you have to move forward and find some way to cope with that.

Good luck with that and sorry that I couldn't offer any better solutions.

EDIT: One practical thing that you could take out of this is to be shrewd with your money. You're young and you have money, so that makes you a target for predatory women. I'm not telling you to completely avoid women, but understand that women may try to take advantage of your naivety because of your age. Don't let women shame or guilt you when it comes to protecting yourself. Much of the same applies if you're a young woman.

Really appreciate the response Kabuhi. I completely understand and am confident that this will stick with me as a personal life lesson.

Over these past few days, I can see my dad trying to do better, but I am not sure if it is for the right reasons. He would cook my mom food and when she says that she just ate and isn't hungry, he almost gets angry. Then later, they would watch videos together and share laughs. I think at this point, it's out of my hands and there's not much that I can do to nudge things in the right direction. All I can do is make it clear to him that what he did is wrong, and seeing someone else is mutually exclusive to having a good relationship with his family.

I'll keep you posted. Thanks again for the help!