Relationship Sabotage - Suicide

Greetings,

Been recently completely accepting the diagnosis of BPD. It makes so much sense as a diagnosis that encapsulates something that I have literally zero control over. The best I feel I can hope for is a reduction in self-sabotaging behavior, but fear I will have to live forever with the irregular emotions/thoughts.

I am 30 years old and have only been diagnosed recently but have definitely had this since adolescence, or earlier.

Here is a quick list of what I experience with intimacy and would love feedback for two reason:

a. if you experience identical/similar experiences
b. you've had success overcoming these issues and can offer advice

Reltionships (relationshits; as I say):

Before meeting -

1. Completely infatuated with the idea of love (think The Notebook)
2. Priority in social situations is to be on the "lookout" for a potential "soulmate"
3. Pervasive feeling of loneliness/emptiness/apathy if "no one" is in my life
4. Fervent attempts to fill loneliness with intimacy (not necessarily sex; cuddling mostly)

Meeting -

1. Hyper-inflation of feelings towards someone (she likes me she's pretty ... SHE'S THE ONE!)
2. Expectation of butterflies and goosebumps in the beginning; if absent...Next!
3. When butterflies and goosebumps subside (usually within first few weeks/encounters) overwhelming feeling that "well maybe she's not the one" and instantaneous attempt to have her leave me so I can meet someone else that is right for me because "apparently" she isn't

Dating -

1. Uncontrollable roller coaster of "i'm happy" or "i'm indifferent"
2. Cues/Clues lead me to believe i'm not worthy, she likes other guys, she'll cheat, she'll leave, she won't accept my or my BPD
3. Defensive (accusatory)
4. Sexual drive is either really high or really apathetic to it (single i have a very high sex drive)
5. When I am not sure why I am apathetic I sabotage to get her to leave me even though I'm more fearful of loneliness (now that I know it is a pattern I fear that when I lose "her" it is the "her" i should be with)


6. I cannot differentiate between "apathy" because she's not for me or because I am BPD (no litmus test on why you're apathetic, is it that we don't connect on a deeper level or is that I don't have the experience or ability to connect like that...with anyone?!!??!!?) this is the BIGGEST PROBLEM!!!

Any and all information is appreciated!

So it seems this is not a hot topic haha. If anyone who is/has viewed this but has not much to contribute yet may be aware of another board/website/resources that would be more accurately capable of helping me with the concerns I have posted, please do so, it would be appreciated!

Thanks

Hi, why don't you try posting in the BPD forum as well? You may find more people who can relate to what you have posted there.

Ooops I thought this was! Thanks