Struggling to trust my mother

Hey there,

I have always had difficult relationship with my mother, was in care for 2/3 years in childhood, lots of issues with my parents....

Recently, we had a conversation about marriage and my frustrations to do with my trust issues. She possibly isn't the best person to ask advice form, but what annoyed me the most was I stated that I am 26 and would like to find a suitable partner by 30 and have kids soon as really. She kept going on about how I don't NEED a man and how I don't need to do it like that. I can have kids by myself. I said to her that yes I could do that, but I WANT a family and a companion. I am not giving up before I've even tried.
She just kept saying how Im in no rush, now I am not in a rush as such, but I am trying to take this seriously and not blasé. Ive made enough mistakes in the past with my sexual and relationship history.
She doesn't seem to respect that and has a very 'rolling her eyes' reaction to how serious I am about this.
Why is everyone seemingly so 'blasé' about marriage and looking for a suitable partner!
I am trying to live my life and be my best so I can attract one ho is right for me.....but when it does happen I'll have my mother in the background not being confident for me...she was already jealous of my last long time relationship and really tried to cause issues with my ex. She is very bitter about my dad and is single and may always will be. Fair enough but thats not my plan.

She also thinks that if I cut my dad out my life that I will stop suffering from trust issues with men.....I don't believe that...my subconscious is the one whose remembering negatives traits and that doesn't matter whether Ive forgiven my dad for his past behaviour or not.....

It's possible that her relationship with your father tarnished her view of marriage and possibly of men in general. Maybe in her eyes, she sees you repeating her same mistakes over again.

In her own annoying way, she may just want the best for you and might just be looking out for you.

In her own way, as Kabuhi said, she may think that she has your best interests at heart. However, she's looking at the situation from HER perspective, and not from yours. You are not your mother. You are a separate person, with your own thoughts, ideas and opinions, and most importantly you're an autonomous adult.

I had huge issues with my late father, and in retrospect I can see that I missed out on many opportunities because I sought his approval before embarking on jobs, relationships and making important decisions etc. Time after time he poured scorn on my ideas, and in order to meet his approval and please him, I sacrificed the freedom to live my life my own way, and even to make my own mistakes. Therapy set me free, literally.

It doesn't matter what your mother's opinions are, and it may be that you will never get her approval, sadly.

Speaking to a therapist can help you to come to terms with your childhood, and enable you to feel empowered, with the ability to trust in your own decisions, and find the assertiveness to live your life in the way that you know is best for you, without feeling the need to seek her approval. It sounds as if you have life scripts that you've learnt to live by, and therapy can help you to discover what those scripts are, how they originated, and how you can find the power within yourself to rewrite them. Therapy can also help you to ensure that you don't rewrite the scripts when you meet your life partner.

I've just one question

Is your mother trying to make you dependent upon her or independent of her?

masquerade wrote:In her own way, as Kabuhi said, she may think that she has your best interests at heart. However, she's looking at the situation from HER perspective, and not from yours. You are not your mother. You are a separate person, with your own thoughts, ideas and opinions, and most importantly you're an autonomous adult.

I had huge issues with my late father, and in retrospect I can see that I missed out on many opportunities because I sought his approval before embarking on jobs, relationships and making important decisions etc. Time after time he poured scorn on my ideas, and in order to meet his approval and please him, I sacrificed the freedom to live my life my own way, and even to make my own mistakes. Therapy set me free, literally.

It doesn't matter what your mother's opinions are, and it may be that you will never get her approval, sadly.

Speaking to a therapist can help you to come to terms with your childhood, and enable you to feel empowered, with the ability to trust in your own decisions, and find the assertiveness to live your life in the way that you know is best for you, without feeling the need to seek her approval. It sounds as if you have life scripts that you've learnt to live by, and therapy can help you to discover what those scripts are, how they originated, and how you can find the power within yourself to rewrite them. Therapy can also help you to ensure that you don't rewrite the scripts when you meet your life partner.

Hey, thanks for your reply. I have been in therapy for 2 years and most of the time I spent talking about my mother. She tried to emotionally blackmail in the past. It almost worked. I now feel free of her and have no qualms about cutting her off and she knows this, she knows that she can't influence me in that way anymore. The discussion we had recently was a slight slip up for me I was venting on here!

I do have issues with my dads past behaviour, he is far from perfect but he doesn't try to influence me like my mum does. He knows where I stand with him and his issues -

-- Mon Nov 19, 2012 7:38 pm --

I do need to work on my trust issues with men thought - Ive spent the last three years being hung up on my long time ex, my narc ex and then just having lots of casual partners. I just can't seem to date someone without him disappearing or me messing it up. None of them were suitable I guess. I do finally feel free of my internal shackles recently. Just trying to break fee of old habits - causes me annoyance!

-- Mon Nov 19, 2012 7:40 pm --

whybother wrote:I've just one question

Is your mother trying to make you dependent upon her or independent of her?

I've always been quite independent of her and it does cause conflict at times as I do have an internal urge to shoot down most of what she says to me. Not sure if she's trying to make me dependent of her - unlikely to happen though as Ive always looked after myself really.