Adult RAD ?

I'm seeing links popping up in places about adult RAD. It doesn't seem to be recognised.

I relate very closely to a few cluster Bs but in a lot of ways don't fit any of them quite right.

I relate to BPD and have traits but don't play games in relationships or take things out on myself.
I have felt emotionally disconnected from others (not attached) most of my life.
I had no empathy or conscience and was capable of acting ruthlessly but was NOT a bully.
I acted like a histrionic for a while but got nothing out of it, it was almost like I was trying to figure out how to get something (connection)
I acted like a schizoid but it wasn't cause of anxiety/low self worth (AvPD) OR because of not wanting to be around others (SPD) it was cause acting like a histrionic didn't work so i gave up.
I am often independant but not a loner.
Paradoxically i've also been dependant on outside sources to regulate my mood/emotions, (suggesting I never learned how to) but unlike typical BPD/HPD, those outside sources didn't have to be people, they could also be adjustments to my environment.
I have resented the world and society cause i got nothing from it. (no reward) even though upbringing, schooling is heavily based on conditioning in those ways.
i acted like a narcissist cause i needed something to fill the void, and i didn't have to feel bad about it, but I have always been able to take criticism and could drop it like a rock when those defences were torn down.
I had DDNOS/Mild DID.
I feel other people are hostile but i'm not paranoid, just emotionally feel they are hostile.
I am terrified of letting people close and have only been remotely capable of it recently.

Almost all the defenses i have are there to keep other people away. - But I don't want to be alone, and also could only relate to others as if they were just "there" and that was it.

If I had to describe myself it would not be emotionally insecure, and not previouly emotionally chaotic as i had a lot of emotional disconnection, or totally cold and emotionless. it would be disconnected. And alone. Even when I am surrounded by people I would feel alone.
I have anger issues, but i've realised the reason ive found it hard to access the anxiety underneath is cause the anger is a natural direct defensive reaction to fear.
emotionally my experience of other people was as hostile.
I had an emotionally abusive and physically violent childhood.

I fit a whole load of different PDs, and also almost none of them totally. almost like i was trying to find some way of relating, and was never able to.
When i was a kid, i would push people away. As an adult I couldn't process affection, and would want "straightforwardness" thinking affection was fake, and at the same time, wanted to connect.

I was able to work on these underneath things through the DID and fix them. Everything I am struggling with now, might count as adjustment, grief, coming to terms/facing up to, and "relearning" or learning some things I never did. I don't know how possible or not possible all of those things are.

maybe I am just looking at a PD mix/NOS...

Or its contraversial, but does anyone here believe in attachment disorders in adults?

Heya again Katana! (I'm not stalking you on here, honest! )

That's just weird. (No offense. Lol) You mean like you felt no empathy but you were mostly nice to people? Or what? And if you didn't have any conscince, wouldn't that make you a socipath so why would you be nice to people? To manipulate them or something? And what do you mean like feeling like you want to be attached to ppl but also don't want to be attached, or what? And how do you mean you acted like a Narcissist, coz isn't that like opposite to a Borderline and picks on Borderlines? Sorry, I'm new to this stuff and I'm nosey. XD

LOL Jk. Are you sure ?

jungle_cat wrote:That's just weird. (No offense. Lol) You mean like you felt no empathy but you were mostly nice to people? Or what?

Pretty much. Btw, this turns into a bit of an essay, so probably best not to actually read it. lol

jungle_cat wrote:And if you didn't have any conscince, wouldn't that make you a socipath so why would you be nice to people? To manipulate them or something?

Dunno. (about the sociopath comment.) I don't know if you can be a sociopath without being a bully. But I've thought about it hard, and (also realising the exact details of how my anger defense worked) that in all honesty, I am not a bully of any sort, and imho never have been.
No. I was nice to people cause I liked them. I never saw people as being inanimate or having "uses". I saw them as people, just didn't form appropriate attachments, couldn't connect etc. I could be manipulative, but most of it was subconscious - AND subconsciously triggered. I tried to be nice to my friends, and didn't always get it right. ...Actually sometimes I just let them walk all over me cause i got it wrong, so I doubt there were any inequal relationships there! Sorry if I'm disappointing you and you thought I was going to tell you I was a serial killer collecting my friends in my basement.
If I think about my actions as a whole, I was mostly pretty decent except for when things caused my issues to be triggered and i felt cornered, or when i was running from pain and at the end of "desperation". My actions were conscious, but my perception of both what the interactions were and what was right were seriously skewed.
Mostly those issues have caused more harm to my own life than it has ever caused to anyone else. I can think of a few people who I have hurt in the past, and some i owe amends to but I don't have a history of acting like the monsters sensationalists describe. If all that made me a sociopath, then Hare is an "Evil" man, (meaning if that's the case i think his actions are despicable.) and has done huge amounts of harm.

Its not me feeling bad about myself either. Its me feeling i don't understand. Just cause i didn't feel stuff? I feel just like that alter i had felt, I don't want to be hated, I don't understand.

cause what I feel really describes my problems best would be "Attachment Disorder". Even if it isn't a valid dx in adults, maybe it should be. With the idealisation/abandonment issue, idealisation makes perfect sense as an equivalent to attachment if you can't attach.

jungle_cat wrote:And what do you mean like feeling like you want to be attached to ppl but also don't want to be attached, or what?

No, more like I felt the need to connect somehow, and couldn't. Its really hard to explain. Like I have spent most of my life either searching for how to connect and feeling upset, or trying to throw off that need onto other things. At times I'd feel very sad and lonely, - not in a self-pitying way, - genuinely lonely.

jungle_cat wrote:And how do you mean you acted like a Narcissist, coz isn't that like opposite to a Borderline and picks on Borderlines? Sorry, I'm new to this stuff and I'm nosey. XD

Lol, that's ok. I mean I acted full of myself, like grandiose sense of self and trying to make lots of money and stuff, creating an "image" of me instead of having a sense of self. not like picking on borderlines. I did it cause there was pain, and there was nothing that would take the pain away. I would reach out for help, and for human connection, and then I couldn't even process it and all I could process was issues that caused me to act negatively instead. Its how my whole facticious disorder thing happened in my teens. I did it because I couldn't do anything else except run from it by living through it. I tended to be reasonably honest in relationships and have never abused my partners, (except pushing them away and harassment from bombarding them with texts and phonecalls Lol).

Also have always struggled with depression and mood swings, but only realised they were triggered when it was pointed out to me by a loved one who asked "that kind of talk?" when i felt horribly depressed after an argument with my mum. I think I probably have ALWAYS been triggered when i felt bad, but never actually understood what was going on.

That attachment caused other problems but getting at the attachment disorder was the one big thing. Other things seem possible to learn with time (i hope all of them are) even as an adult, and that I moved between PD traits trying to resolve that.

I'm trying to say I'm thinking attachment disorder is the actual problem.

I have seen sites that say adults can have RAD, and it seems like they get it because they had it as kids and never got better/grew out of it. If I can find the links again, I will send them to you. Basically it was the same symptoms, just at a more complex level because adult relationsips are more complex since they include professional friends ships, sexual relationships etc. But if I rememebr correctly the symptoms were almost identical. Mostly pushing people away before they can hurt you, or not being able to connect due to never developing that part of the brain.

katana wrote: but does anyone here believe in attachment disorders in adults?

Well I was diagnosed by the N.H.S. here in the UK with RAD at around the age of 46.

I used to work with an older Lady who also was raised in a Childrens Home, she too was alone and had rejected her only offers of marriage.

My experience of attachment disorder is with teens and young adults who have come from dysfunctional families and who never developed trust in adults. Trust is vital in relationships within a family, work or any social activity.

RAD does seem to be a possible precursor to Borderline Personality Disorder. The world is a scary place for someone with RAD and I think some of the symptoms of BPD are more of defense mechanisms to this scary world (for the RAD sufferer), rather than a problem with a personality.

RAD develops within the first three years of a child's life, but the trauma lasts a lifetime if no help is sought. So yes RAD does affect even in adult life. You do not grow out of it, but you can develop out of it. There are a number of therapies that are quite effective, such as Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and Mentalization Based Therapy.

Katana, if you are still looking at this forum and have not got help yet, please do. Not any random psychologist, but one who specializes in RAD or BPD.

Your problem is not your fault, and maybe not your parents' fault either, but it is your problem to solve. Life is lighter after developing out of RAD or BDP.

johnagape wrote:RAD does seem to be a possible precursor to Borderline Personality Disorder. The world is a scary place for someone with RAD and I think some of the symptoms of BPD are more of defense mechanisms to this scary world (for the RAD sufferer), rather than a problem with a personality.

Are you familiar with this disorder.

I think this way. That the world is a scary place. I don't know that I can honestly say I completely trust anyone in it. I am married but I am more dependent on him than anything. Almost as if it were a parent/child relationship. He is my stability. My safety. But I constantly test him. Push him away. I do this with my child/children as well. I require distance with closeness.

There does not seem to be much information on this disorder. That I have read leads me to attachment disorder and BPD. All of which has been discussed with me. Though I have done no formal written test for any.

If you have any additional information I would be very interested in it.

Katana, i never thought in my life i would ever say this but after researching adult RAD and reading your post i actually felt like i was reading my own self assessment, i know that's impossible for you to believe because i would not believe it had it been said to me.
I was diagnosed with BPD on my 23rd birthday but realise this is a misdiagnosis and from my research adult RAD is often misdiagnosed as either BPD or psychopathy.
i am also almost completely void of empathy and can not feel love...until recently anyway.

And to the woman who assumed that we are no different to psychopaths; you are wrong, psychopaths brains are wiered differently and parts don't function the way generic people's brains.
Recent studies on psychopathy revealed that empathy is like a mirror in the brain, a reaction to reflect and relate to pain or trauma that it see's. psychopaths have an unnatural ability to cover theirs meaning that they are not void of empathy contrary to popular belief but are simply lucky enough to switch that feeling off.

RAD is caused by abuse or trauma and key points of development are affected meaning that critical attachments, feelings and bonds do not form causing isolation, apathy, pain and aggression.

take for example; when you find an injured animal your natural reaction would be to nurture it, mine is to crush it, equally as natural but not accepted.
but just because i can and even feel i should i don't, i act how anyone else would, try to imagine the feeling they get from helping and hope that one day i too will share this feeling and also I enjoy the reward of people crediting me for being good and caring which is why i volunteer at an animal shelter.
So please understand that just because you can it doesn't mean you will. "Just cause you're hung like a horse don't mean you gotta do porn"