Hi New with Question.

Hi there, I'm new to this board. I joined for information for myself and stumbled apon this RAD forum...to introduce myself I'm 26 and married. Currently on Maternity Leave with my 2nd child. My 15 year old Niece has recently moved in and she has Reative Attachment Disorder. She will be living with us permanently as my sister has two sons aged 5 and 3 and my niece has had a very damaging impact on them, she is always angry with them, even though they adore her... My 5 year old nephew is in therapy and was starting to behave the same way my neice was toward his parents therefore my sister on advice of therpaist has had her come live with me.
My sister has given me a rundown on all of what RAD is etc. I'm also learning on my own from living with my niece.
Anyway my niece ONLY befriends other children that are bad news. She singles out the children that are from broken homes, or in foster care. She is not allowed to go to these childrens homes as they do drugs and are not adult supervised.
I do not want these children at my house either, as my niece has told me horror stories (which could be false)
Does anybody else have this problem? I Don't know what to do! I feel sooo badly that she only see's her friends in school...but I have to look out for my families well being too. I have a 3 year old and a 13 week old at home.
I've tried to get her to hang out with her cousins or the FEW childhood friends she's managed to mantain but she refuses saying they're square and no fun.
Does anybody have any advice for me? Any idea's? I really want this to work out with her living here but I'm at the end of my rope...dealing with this and the other things she's doing ontop of a new baby and 3 year old.

Thanks to anyone who reads this.

Hi, Razz! Of course you have to protect your family and if her friends are bad news, they should be kept away. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, you're protecting her. She can have nice friends over and see the others at school.
Maybe you could try to get her to do more stuff with the family, so you can get close, or go to her psych together so you can figure out what to do to make her feel better.

Thanks for the response Jasmin!
We've tried to get her to do more stuff with the family...she won't. She isolates herself.
She'll go do something with her friends in a heartbeat...but will NEVER do anything with us or anyone else she's related to.

That must be hard for you to deal with, Razz. If you keep letting her know that you're there and try to make her feel included, she might come around. It's the best you can do and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Maybe she'd accept spending some time with only you, like a girls' day out kind of thing. Sorry I'm not that much help.

My RAD child is only 11 but sometimes I feel like she is going on 15 if not going on 4. Here is my two cents which I hope helps. I think the reason she runs with these kids is because fundamentally she feels like a bad kid too and is trying to prove that to herself. These kids do what they want and make bad decisions which is what your niece wants to do too. I don't know if she is from a broken home like these other kids but I know my RAD child (niece) is and when she was younger felt very much like she was the only one in the entire world who's parents split up. But the friends that she has picked out are from broken homes and are the bad seeds at the school.
Not that I'm not suggesting not protect your kids but I would let her have one of her friends over for an evening - like dinner and a rented movie. I believe in the statment, "keep your friends close but your enemies closer." I also think that making a stance against allowing her friends over is reinforcing the RAD idea that the people that are suppose to love her (family) really don't and just put up with her. She is one of her clique so rejecting her friends is rejecting her. I think that girls feel more comfortable letting their good sides out when it's a one on one situation. If she had the whole gaggle over, they would spend their time trying to perform for their audience - eachother. But inviting this friend could end up being something that could help you in the future. This friend might actually enjoy being welcomed into your household - maybe something she doesn't get at home, and could be an ally in the future. Set some ground rules in the beginning of the visit. I would state them as more like a "just so you know" but not accusatory. If your niece or her friend violate any of the rules, I would inforce consequences against your niece like chores. When she is done, say great job and when do you think your friend can come over again? Even if it was the friend who violated the rule. She is responsible for her friend's actions.
If you have done research you may have come across this book, but I think you need to read "Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awaking Love in Deeply Troubled Children" by Daniel A. Huges. Of all the books I've read, this one I liked the best because it reads like a story and it brought insight into what my niece is/was going through. It also helps take the anger and hopelessness out of my parenting her. You stop blaming the child and can read into the actions to find solutions. Your niece isn't going to be exactly like the child in the book but it helped me understand the premise.
Anyway, I may not understand how bad it is but that is what I would do with what I know. Hopefully that helps.

Hi, i dont even no what RAD means but i was readin your thing and just incase no one has took the time to say i think what your doing is amazing i mean your only 26 married with two young kids so you must have a lot on your plate yet hear you are making all this effort for your nice too. Thats really nice of you to be honest.