Possible attachment issues

I had a very odd childhood. I am not sure whether it counts as abusive but was certainly neglectful. I am the oldest child in a large family, mostly raised by a single mother.

We were always fed and clothed and had toys (that we couldn't really afford), as my mother was a bit addicted to shopping but was unemployed. We lived in a tiny, cluttered house that wasn't cleaned regularly. There wasn't much in the way of routine or discipline, especially the more children that came along. We never went to the dentist and had a terrible diet and awful teeth. We watched what we wanted on TV, including horror movies from a young age. Some of my siblings were bullies, but nothing was done about this, I was often told to just "let her get her way, for a quiet life". My mother gossiped to me a lot about some things children shouldn't know about, including her sex life. I found pornographic magazines in a drawer in my mother's room at age 8 (not hers, they were left by an ex), used to read them, my mother knew, didn't care as long as I didn't show my friends. Sometimes I would get them out when she was in the room, she didn't mind at all.

I had some rather odd behaviour as a child:

-I was never willing to go to my mother for sympathy or comfort, from being young I would brush off injuries and hide it when I was unwell. I have a memory of this that I must have been seven at the most. I have zero memories of being comforted as a child, but I don't know whether that was lack of nurture, or from me rejecting her. I hated hugs and kisses and sort of gave a reluctant side hug to my parents on Christmas and birthdays. I hated the idea of my mother comforting me or even knowing that I was unhappy.

-I was a bit attention seeking at school, making a big deal out of being upset or injured and relishing in getting the attention from teachers. I always found it far easier to accept comfort and sympathy from people I wasn't related to. As I got older, and we got the internet, I got this need filled by befriending women my mother's age online and treating them more as parents, but they got frustrated with my lack of ability to deal with my family situation (but I couldn't, I told them I was 18, but I was 14 so couldn't leave home or anything).

-I did not want my family to know anything about me. I was very secretive and sneaked around with them not knowing what I was doing. I didn't even want them knowing what kind of music I liked to listen to or what my friends names were. I lied about where I was going, taking risks like travelling across town by myself to meet someone from the internet, without telling my mother (I let my "auntie" who was someone I spoke to only online know though, she had me send her text messages when I got there, and when I got home). My mother never knew how far I travelled by myself.

-I wasn't very interested in family life. I spent most of my time doing my own thing. I don't have many childhood memories of my mother, other than the kind of weird ones about her gossiping to me. Most of my memories are of me playing outside, or in my room. As a teenager, I spent all day in my room, when I was downstairs, I was on the computer. I occasionally made awkward small talk with my mother, but we were never close. I daydreamed a lot though, in my daydreams, I always was part of different families, that were close and loving, but I hated the idea of having that closeness with my own family.

-I was very controlling, I always wanted to fix things. As a teenager, I tried to put the boundaries in place for my younger siblings, because I was sort of semi aware it was wrong. I did things like hide violent movies/video games they had really gotten into, because they were not for children, and try disciplining them myself.

-I had issues with holding my poo in over various reasons, until I was about 11. My reasons back then were always illogical, I remember once was being afraid of worms living inside me, and that if I pooped I would look into the toilet and see big slimy earthworms.


As an adult, I still have issues:

-I get attached really easily to people, and I get such intense feelings, but I get really upset if I am separated from them. Im a bit insecure, I always worry about how much people like me, and worry that they don't really like me, or every little mistake means they wont like me. I cant deal with criticism, it makes me upset, and feel like people are being mean.

-I feel absolutely no allegiance to people just because I am related to them. I am not close to my family, I sort of like some of my family as people, some I would consider friends, but not particularly love them (except for my youngest siblings, who I practically raised, I love them).

-I didn't particularly grieve my mother's death. I cried a little on the day she died, and at the funeral, but not since then. I even got annoyed with all the concerned neighbours and stuff, asking if I am okay, offering to do stuff for me, being supportive, because I didn't want to be treated like I was fragile and sad when I am not, I just wanted to get on with my life. I don't feel like I miss her, don't really talk about her much.

-Despite not being affected by my mother's death, other things have made me grieve like I should have then, like falling out with a friend, someone I didn't know that well but had a crush on moving away, and the death of a pet (not even a furry one you can pet).

-I still feel very childlike in a way, I want what I never had with my family, but have no interest in actually being close to my family. I want it from other people. I have developed a close relationship with an older friend of mine, who is a bit older than my mother would be now. I wish she was my mum, and think of her that way in my head (and she knows this). I crave and long for these childhood experiences that I never got to have, like having a close bond with a parent, particularly a mother.

I was beginning to think that there were no others with adult RAD, but I think most of those people ID with having borderline personality, which I do too. But I have read that RAD eventually grows into borderline personality disorder.

Anywho, I think I had RAD as a child, too. I was never diagnosed, mind you, my mom (my aunt that raised me) didn't believe in that kind of thing, pathologies and such. I desperately need therapy, though... but I am choosing to believe that she was doing the best that she could do. This belief is what keeps me semi-sane.

I wasn't hugged, really. And if I was, it was hardly by choice and mostly by pressure. I don't really like being touched, but i've perfected my false self *so* well that I almost forget how much I hate it when it's happening..

I really crave intimacy with people, not this sometime-y mostly cold mood I generally have toward any sign of closeness. And I am extremely sensitive, my God. Any criticism really throws me off balance and I have to damn near be alone to regain my composure, lest I split for the next mins-hours.

Neglect is certainly enough to change someone's psyche, especially that of a child. No doubt.