wishing to be endangered so I can kill him this time

I have frequent thoughts of being 'almost raped' again. It is because I did not fight hard enough when I was raped. It is hard to forgive myself for this, but I realize I was just a teenager, paralyzed by my alcoholic family life that taught me never to speak up, defend myself, or have any self-worth.
Now I find I almost PUT myself in dangerous situations, hoping that someone will try to attack me so I can fight hard and maybe even kill him.
I guess I feel the need to make things right somehow, to relive my rape and be able to do what I wished I could have done back then.
Has anyone else experienced this desire?

I haven't, so I've held off on answering. I can understand where the feeling might come from. But I don't think that it would happen the same way a second time. And so it wouldn't be reliving, especially if he's armed or surprises you so you can't fight. Perhaps the worst would be if you DID kill or seriously injure someone, because you'd probably be chewed up and spat out by the judicial system. Especially if there's no way to prove his intent to rape. You'd be blamed as the "bad" person which would be totally unfair and horrible.

Are you able to talk to a therapist about this? Being able to work through it in a safe environment might help in forgiving your teenage-self for something that wasn't her fault. That she couldn't have done differently.

I haven't experienced this desire in regards to rape as, thank God, I haven't been raped. I do know, however, the desire to finish the unfinished business with someone who harmed you because it feels that it'd make things right. I think, many of us naturally resist the idea that we were powerless in certain situations, as we don't like to think of ourselves as powerless. Then we might need to set up the same situation where we would act differently this time and that would lead to a different outcome and we would feel good about ourselves. It could also be that we experience a great sense of injustice and unfairness when perpetrators go unpunished and we are left to deal with our trauma. While acting on those desires may not be in our best interests, the desires themselves are perfectly understandable.

WM

tryingnoto wrote:I guess I feel the need to make things right somehow, to relive my rape and be able to do what I wished I could have done back then.
Has anyone else experienced this desire?

Yes I have experienced this desire. I have also ended up back in the situation. Even though I thought I might do things differently and had gone over it in my head, my physical response to the trauma was the same (personally for me that is going completely limp and not being able to do anything about it). So even though I thought I could make it better and do things differently, fight harder, it turned out that the response to the situation is really ingrained already and it seems not possible to change response. So it just meant I got raped a whole lot more (as I acted this out in a "relationship" with a man, I didn't really mean to though) and now I have a whole lot more trauma to deal with as a result.

So even though the theory works great in your head and I completely understand the desire, I definitely wouldn't advise acting on it. It only makes you feel worse.

I remember feeling that and actually planning out in my head how I would stab him. I did this most of the night, because I was afraid to move. FInally, in the morning I snuck out and went to the police department. It was a better way of dealing with it.

I have experienced this. Not so much putting myself in the situation, but I have been in clubs before dancing when a bloke started to dance with me, that was fine until he put his hands on me. I just went totally still and told him to get off, he did, but then did it again a second time, I spun around and told him that if he dared put his hands on me one more time I would punch him in his face. He muttered something like you little ***** and left. I felt stronger for it, but im not sure I could have actually fought him. Sorry to hear you have been through this

Indeed. I used to walk in desert and dark streets hoping to be attacked so I could fight back. Last year I went completely berserk on a guy who grabbed my friend. I feel like it was one of the best moments of my life. I was drinking at my friend's building playground with her and another friend. There was party going on the building. He came from this party. I came out of the bathroom and he was grabbing her. I'm 5'7 with 145lbs at the time, with 18yo. He was like mid twenties with 5'9-5'10 and really muscular. There was no way I could fight him in a normal mental state. Well, back to the story. I grabbed him by his shirt and threw him at the wall, started to strangle him, but I was only trying to scare him. We started to yell at each other. He called my friend a bitch and said she was enjoying. I strangled him again, but he started to push my face away and I backed on. I was bleeding from my mouth and told me that. I started to laugh psychotically and he looked he was about to $#%^ his pants. We started to yell at each other again and I touched his shoulder but he was really scared of me, so scared that he almost started to cry. He started to apologize and ran away.
Then he came back with a friend saying he wanted to talk to me. I just broke a empty bottle and asked them if they were sure. I almost stabbed them, but my friends stopped me.
I'm kinda obsessed with that moment. I'm 19(I'll turn 20 next month). I was sexuality abused while I was 11-13 by a teacher from my school and later with 15 by some guys from my school for 4-5months. I don't know. It was the first time of my life I wasn't being abused by a men. It was the opposite. I loved it.
My only concerns about this is the possibility of me killing someone because of that and going to jail.
Sorry for the long psychotic post.

-- Sat Aug 03, 2013 10:19 pm --

Indeed. I used to walk in desert and dark streets hoping to be attacked so I could fight back. Last year I went completely berserk on a guy who grabbed my friend. I feel like it was one of the best moments of my life. I was drinking at my friend's building playground with her and another friend. There was party going on the building. He came from this party. I came out of the bathroom and he was grabbing her. I'm 5'7 with 145lbs at the time, with 18yo. He was like mid twenties with 5'9-5'10 and really muscular. There was no way I could fight him in a normal mental state. Well, back to the story. I grabbed him by his shirt and threw him at the wall, started to strangle him, but I was only trying to scare him. We started to yell at each other. He called my friend a bitch and said she was enjoying. I strangled him again, but he started to push my face away and I backed on. I was bleeding from my mouth and told me that. I started to laugh psychotically and he looked he was about to $#%^ his pants. We started to yell at each other again and I touched his shoulder but he was really scared of me, so scared that he almost started to cry. He started to apologize and ran away.
Then he came back with a friend saying he wanted to talk to me. I just broke a empty bottle and asked them if they were sure. I almost stabbed them, but my friends stopped me.
I'm kinda obsessed with that moment. I'm 19(I'll turn 20 next month). I was sexuality abused while I was 11-13 by a teacher from my school and later with 15 by some guys from my school for 4-5months. I don't know. It was the first time of my life I wasn't being abused by a men. It was the opposite. I loved it.
My only concerns about this is the possibility of me killing someone because of that and going to jail.
Sorry for the long psychotic post.

Deliberately trying to put yourself in positions where you may be attacked is very self destructive and dangerous behavior.

Some people that commit rape are exceedingly violent and dangerous individuals. Also many men who commit such assault are strong, violent and sometimes armed.

Please be careful or you could end up raped again or dead or at least beaten absolutely senseless and raped.

As a male who is very strong, and a very large man, I can tell you that it is ridiculous to try and attract such a situation where you are attacked. If you were attacked by a violent person with my size and strength the odds are you would entirely lose and be seriously hurt in the process.

It is one thing to have a bit of a fantasy in your mind about such things, but to actively seek out such scenarios is truly dangerous. As a general rule, violent men win against women in physical confrontations.

I 100% understand you. For me, the desire has more of an anger and fear base to it, but it also has a lot to do with the fact that I just didn't react right as a child every time-I knew it wasn't okay but I'd tell myself it was or I'd just "forget" it. My memories are still very fuzzy, but I've consistently thought about having something happen again and stabbing them repeatedly to near death and saying it was self defense-nonetheless I'd be willing to go to jail for it too. I'm not above jail and if anyone ever tried to hurt me again they better believe that I won't hesitate to take their life. I say all of this but even when I'm truly triggered I start to cower and shrink to the ground and/or run. I'm overcome by this deep sense of helplessness even if I'm not. All of a sudden my brain tells me 'just let it happen, it'll be better if you don't fight it" So really, I don't know whatd I do. If I had a knife in my hand I'd use it though. I could never kill someone with my bare hands and shooting them would feel less like courageously defending myself than I'd like. I'd want it to be a painful struggle for him where he realizes "###$ I picked the wrong person" and I wouldn't kill him either. No that would be too easy on him. I'd want him to have to live with the damage and scars he earned by trying to hurt me. I'd want him to have to carry the memories of the attack with him until he represses it just for it to come back, or dies. Killing someone is showing mercy in my mind when it comes to attacks like this-I know that is quitter talk but it can be much worse living after it than it is just having them taking you out of your misery and sometimes I still feel this way but most of the time I'm glad I didn't die because it has made me stronger in some ways, but also has disabled me in others. Either way, I wouldn't kill the #####&. I wouldn't charge him either because I wouldn't want him in jail. I'd want him to face the real world with the visible scars I'd given him showing him he was weak and he did not win. I want people to ask "why do you have scars all over your face? Why don't you have a hand? What happened to your balls?" and he'd have to explain that he picked the wrong person and that person was stronger than him. These people don't care about jail time. They've mostly likely already been there. "The Bin" becomes a place where all the people who do this $#%^ brag about it and have in common one thing; they've done awful things to people. There's a community of sorts in jail for people who do these things. Taking their freedom doesn't make them really think about their actions or selves-there's not much shame in their past actions in jail. They still won. All they sit in their thinking is how unfair it is they had their whole life taken over one silly assault. There's little to no remorse. These people react to shame. They react to having their past etched onto them as they try and live their everyday lives. I would do that. I would make sure they never forget what the ###$ they did and how the ###$ it went for them every time someone asks about their visual reminders that I gave them. No-I'd try my very best not to kill them. And no-I don't think I'd charge them either, unless I actually thought theyd do it again to someone else even after I nearly killed them.