My girlfriend see her rapist often and it worries me

I need help, I haven't been rape myself but I am going out with a girl who has been raped repeatedly. I try to support her the best I can but lately it has take a wrong turn. One of the person who raped her more than once is back into her life because of a family tie. She sees this person regularly and says she forgave him and is friendly with him. She sees no problem into being in close proximity to him, whether he is drunk, she is drunk or any other situation, she'd walk in underwear around him and says it's ok, he said he has changed and she believes him.

I am constantly worried for her and try to ask her to be careful around that person but every time I do, it turns into arguments, as if she is protecting him.

I am completely lost as to what I should do. I do not know how common it is for rape victims to be really friendly with their rapist. I love her and only want her to be safe but I do not know how to help her remain safe.

She didn't have therapy and isn't planning to get therapy. I encourage her in all she do and would encourage her to have therapy if she wanted to. I try to always listen to her and be there for her but this situation has made me angry and I am not the same anymore. I constantly think he will abuse her again and it's causing a big problem between us.

Could anybody who have experience with this tell me what I should do or say to help her?

EDIT: Am I even right to worry? Or should I just trust her when she say there is no danger? She said I don't understand cause I wasn't rape, so I can't understand how it's not dangerous.

Hello and welcome to the forum.

Firstly, I think you have a much more normal perspective on the issue than she does by the sounds of it... It is very normal for you to be concerned about her being around this person and to be sceptical when you hear from her that he has "changed", this is a safe and healthy viewpoint on your part.

She may feel there is no risk, but given his past history, the evidence would indicate there is risk. There may be a variety of reasons that she may not feel as if there is a risk but most of these reasons would be a result of how the rape has effected her psyche. People who have been in situations where they have been raped often have ended up in that situation because for some reason they missed early warning signs that could have led to them getting a bad feeling about the situation and getting out of there before something bad happened... This means it is likely that if she has been in that situation multiple times, she has multiply missed warning signs and has also not has the personal qualities to keep well away from this person after the first time (such as self-worth, self-confidence etc- qualities that lead people to realise that a rapists treatment of them is wrong and they need to get away from that situation). So her feeling that there is no risk from this person is a concern in itself.

The hard thing though is that you probably can't convince her of your point. She will just think you are arguing with her and try to defend herself and her decision to be around him. The fact that she doesn't see the risk will make it next to impossible for you to convince her that there is potentially a risk.

You can't control her behaviour and stop her seeing him and if you can't convince her to stay away, this doesn't leave you with a lot of options. Most rape victims need to come to terms with what has happened and learn new skills about warning signs in their own time. They can't really be pushed with it. It sounds as if she is not really at that stage and ready to move forward yet.

Probably the most productive thing you could do to help her is to suggest that you get therapy as a couple (you can say it's because of you feeling uncomfortable about her being around him). Getting therapy with her will seem more constructive that purely suggesting she get therapy (as she might interpret you suggesting she get therapy as you saying "you have a problem, go get therapy" and find it offensive). Therapy would help her to gradually understand that she has been changed by the experience of being raped and to work through the issues that it has given her. Gradually encouraging her towards self improvement through therapy is going to be the most useful thing you can do for her...

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation with this. You are obviously a really caring person to be wanting to help her and make sure she is safe.

Hi and thank you for welcoming me and for your answer.

What you are telling me about her getting defensive of her decision to be around him is exactly what is happening. She gets real mad when I try to suggest that when he visits she should not remain in underwear or when I try to suggest not getting too drunk when he is there.

It's also very hard for me to try and explain this to her, because I am aware that a lot of rape victims blame themself for what happened. I am always scared that by telling her "put some pants on top of your underwear when he visits" she'll think I am blaming the victims for dressing a certain way. I do not want her to ever think she is to blame for anything that happened to her, cause she isn't, but it makes it hard for me to have a conversation about what could be a potential dangerous situation.

I'm afraid the therapy solution is out of the question for now, she didn't talk about her rapes to many people, according to her, only me and one other person know and I am not even sure how much that other person knows. I do not think it's everything. I don't even think I know all the atrocities she has been through. It could be possible in a few years or when she is ready, but for the moment it is not.

How else could I make her realize, at least for now, that this is not safe at all? Are there any books maybe. Or anything else I could do to help her remain safe. It is extremely hard sitting here not knowing if something will happen to her next time she visits some people in her family. Of course, if something does, I'll be there for her but I am praying everyday that it won't come to this and that she'll remain safe.

You are in such a difficult situation with this. It is really hard to make someone see a dangerous situation if they are not already aware... I like your idea of books, perhaps you could research if there is some book that you think may help her, then she may be inclined to see this as you trying to help her overcome her rapes rather than seeing it as you trying to control who she sees...

It might help also, with the underwear thing, perhaps you can just jokingly say how it's not normal to for her not wear clothes while other people visit and encourage her to be more "socially normal" on that front. If she doesn't take to that, maybe you could try telling her that you want to keep her wearing her underwear only as a special thing just for you and not to share with others. She might be more inclined to want to wear clothes if she thinks it's important to you as part of the relationship?

Perhaps with her visiting her family you could ask to come along so that you know she is not alone in a dangerous situation? You could pretend that you like getting to know her family and that is the reason for your sudden interest in accompanying her (rather than it being for her safety).

Also, you might like to suggest doing things that will open her up to receiving more love and understanding from other people in the community, good people who would never rape her. This will improve her self-esteem and give her something to occupy her time other than spending it with the guy who raped her. You could perhaps suggest she become a member of a sporting club like netball or something, or a church group or something like that...

Hi There,

I feel so compelled to give you my point of view because your story sounds almost identical to mine.

I was raped by my best friend my freshman year at college and about a year later we had a relationship that lasted another year. After we broke up we remained the closest of friends. We hung out and drank often and this is something that absolutely tortured my current boyfriend. He wasn't jealous or anything like that; he was simply fearful for my well-being, and i was completely blind and in denial in thinking that my rapist would ever make a pass at me again.

For so long i had been completely content with the idea that the rape was nothing more than a misunderstanding, and it wasnt all his fault. It took me 2 years after the trauma occured for me to come to terms with what really happened. Today im in therapy and Ive done my best to cut my rapist out of my life, as difficult as it is because we have many friends in common.

How i got to this point was almost completely thanks to my boyfriend, and i am so thankful for his support. He tried to convince me to go to therapy for almost a year before i went and i am telling you right now, that is something she will have to decide on her own terms. So, you cant make her go to therapy and if you do she wont get a single thing out of it unless shes doing because she wants to.

What your girlfriend has probably done is made this man a friend to her as a way of coping, her mind doesnt want to deal with having to see her rapist all the time because hes a family friend, so her mind tells her something different, a survival skill none the less. But this is something that she needs to overcome. She has convinced herself that this person is not dangerous as a way to survive her everyday life and not deal with the trauma she has experienced.

The best thing you can do to help her realize this is to NOT nag at her or make her feel like shes in trouble for seeing this guy, but what you should do is genuinely express your concern for her. Maybe point out some basic things (because remember shes probably in total denial about basic bad signs). Maybe point out strange behavior she shows around him (a overwillingness to please him), point out that hes bossy to her, or maybe just explain that she has maybe made this guy a friend in her mind in order to cope, or anything else you notice thats fishy about their friendship.

Pealing off the layers of denial are not easy and it will take time and patience. Eventually though if you challenge her (but not too hard) you will peel off the layers and finally she will have to deal with the truth of what happened herself and she can seek help through therapy. Remember if youre to aggressive she will protect her rapist that shes morphed into a "friend"

I'm sorry my reply is long but i guess i just wanted you to know that there is hope for her, unfortunately girls like me who cope with their trauma like this usually have many layers and a hard shell to pick through that requires delicacy. But one things for sure if you think this girl is worth the time and frustration (which you both will have a little of both) she will find peace.

I see that this discussion started some time ago, but I'd like to throw in my 2 cents.

I am sorry for what is happening with your gf and for the pain that her denial causes you. I haven't been in this situation and I haven't been raped, so I'd never pretend that I can understand 100% what is happening on her and on your parts. What I have experienced many times though is the frustration of not being able to change other people's mind and behavior when you see them doing something self-destructive. I know how frustrating it is to accept the reality that we can't make choices for other people. What I have eventually come to accept is that in situations like that the only person I can take care of is myself. I can't make decisions for the other person, but I can make decisions for myself about how I can take care of myself in those situations. Since your gf won't go to therapy, at least not in the nearest future, you can use some therapy yourself. Any professional guidance that you can get won't hurt.

WM