Ex-girlfriend raped, how can I help?

So I've been trying to get back together with my ex-girlfriend. I'm crazy about her, I never should have broken up with her in the first place, and I know she wants to be with me, that was all she ever wanted when we were together. Problem is, while we were broken up she dated this guy, and he raped her. So now she's really reluctant to do another relationship and she's not so great with physical intimacty anymore, and she didn't used to be like that. We tried to have sex the other night, but before we even started she freaked out and started crying. We talked about it a little bit, and she told me she wanted nothing more than to be with me again but she doesnt' feel that she'll be able to because she feels damaged.

When she's not all crying and vulnerable, she tries to act like everything's cool. She says she doesn't want a relatonship anymore, she just wants to have fun and do whatever, and she's been hanging around with these lesbians lately and sleeping with one of them cause I guess that's a non-threatening way for her to get her rocks off right now. But I know none of that is true, she's not really OK, she's still into men, she wants a relationship and she wants one with me but she's confused and she doesn't really know what she wants and I want to help her.

I love this girl, so I'm not willing to give up on her just yet. But I've never really dealt with anything like this before, I have no idea what she's going through and I don't really don't know how to approach it. I'm totally willing to work with her and do whatever it takes to help her move past this, I just don't really know what it is I should be doing. I appreciate any advice anyone can give me.

Hi, rgm1982! You could tell her that she should get some therapy. She could look for a crisis center for people who have been raped or abused. Has she tried that?
You're right, it doesn't sound like she's coping very well. Her world must have been turned upside down when she was raped. She might not decide to come back to you even if she gets therapy, though. But she might appreciate your support and realize that she cares about you.

jasmin wrote:Hi, rgm1982! You could tell her that she should get some therapy. She could look for a crisis center for people who have been raped or abused. Has she tried that?
You're right, it doesn't sound like she's coping very well. Her world must have been turned upside down when she was raped. She might not decide to come back to you even if she gets therapy, though. But she might appreciate your support and realize that she cares about you.

Yeah, she hasn't tried therapy or counseling yet. I haven't suggested it, I think she already knows she needs it and she'll probably look into it when she's ready. But this is pretty recent, I don't think she's totally processed it yet, I think that night that she freaked out with me was the first time it really hit her how messed up she is right now. We'd even had sex a few times before that and she seemed fine - she enjoyed it and actually even initiated it, but something about the last time just struck a bad chord with her and she couldn't handle it, she totally froze up and then cried all night, it was really heart-breaking because she used to be so into sex before. And she's been kind of distant with me since then, which is frustrating because I worry about her and I miss her but I think it may be indicative of her finally coming to terms with what a bad place she's in right now. I'm trying real hard not to pressure her too much, but at the same time I need to see her, I need to know what's going on with her and with us and to make sure she's doing OK.

The really frustrating thing too is that I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, I kind of feel like sharing this information with others would be a further intrusion on her personal life. But at the same time this is my problem too, it's hurting me a lot and I've been totally internalizing it because I feel I shouldn't be telling people about something so personal for her. But I feel I really need to talk to someone soon or I'm going to go nuts myself. I don't know what the etiquette is there - is it OK for me to share this with others? If there's any other rape-survivors on this site, can you tell me how you would feel about a boyfriend talking about your experience with his friends? People don't generally seem to put much thought into how this kind of thing affects the victim's partner, but it's killing me to see her like this and I just don't know what to do...

I don't think it would be a good idea to talk to your friends about what she went through, not without her permission. You could look for a counselor for yourself too. You're more than welcome to talk here.
Feelings and flashbacks about past abuse have a way of showing up when you don't expect it, because it depends on when the person is ready and strong enough to deal with them. Maybe that is what happened that night. You could try to tell her the stuff you have said here, about needing to know that she's ok and the fact that you care.

...yeah, I kind of figured that wouldn't be totally prudent...that just kind of sucks cuz it's been driving me totally nuts, and people are starting to ask why I've been in such a bad mood lately and I have nothing to tell them. I've been trying to get her permission to talk to just a few people that I'm really close to about it, but I've barely talked to her the past few days, I get the sense she's been avoiding me. I did tell me my best friend about it, but I tell him everything and she knows that, so that should be cool...but I can't really talk to him much about it either because he's so smitten with his new girlfriend...the only people I can talk about it with are him and her, and neither of them have been returning my phone calls lately...this blows.

It must be really hard for you. How do you feel today?
Does her family know about what happened to her? I guess as long as your best friend doesn't tell anyone, it's ok.

jasmin wrote:It must be really hard for you. How do you feel today?
Does her family know about what happened to her? I guess as long as your best friend doesn't tell anyone, it's ok.

I don't know if her family knows, I would think probably not. I was the first person she told, I really don't know if she's told anyone else.
I finally got ahold of her, we're supposed to hang out tomorrow night and have a talk. It'll be the first time I've hung out with her since that night she freaked out. I have no idea what I'm going to say. I'm tired of all these serious talks, and I almost feel guilty for trying to get back with her at this point. Tomorrow might just be us saying it's time for both of us to move on. That would suck, I will really miss her...

Yah, it really would suck if you'd be apart because of what that piece of $#%^ did to her.
Good luck with your talk, maybe you'll get her to reconsider and get some help.

I don't know if anyone's still reading this post, but if you're out there here's the update: She is totally avoiding me, ever since that night she freaked out she's barely spoken to me. Two nights in a row we were supposed to hang out and talk about stuff and whatever and she's flaked both times. We were getting along so well, hanging out all the time and now nothing. I worry about her, because she's in this wild and crazy denial phase where everything is OK and she just wants to go out and have a good time, but I saw her at her worst, I know she's not OK. I'm trying so hard not to pressure her but I need to hear from her desperately and just know where she's at and where we're at. I've fully accepted the fact that she's probably not ready for this and it's time for me to move on, I just need to hear it from her. It's so frustrating to know a big part of her wants what I want, I feel like if I could just get through to her we could still make this work but the logical part of me knows she's got to work through it on her own time and that's very hard to accept. I actually called the guy who did this to her tonite, I really wanted to start a fight. He didn't answer which is probably for the best, but I haven't totally ruled out kicking his ass at some point, I've got a lot of pent-up aggression I need to take out on something. I didn't think I would take this so hard, I wasn't even the victim but this is still one of the most horrible things that's ever happened to me...

You are a decent person and you really care about the people around you. A girlfriend or boyfriend is like a family member so of course you feel upset. This is a tough situation... She's probably avoiding you because you're one of the few people who know and being around you would be like facing what happened to her.