trigger**Looking to re-create a rape?

Are you talking to anyone currently?

I've been in your shoes... not there anymore thankfully but I was stuck there for many many years....

It's important to discuss this with someone professionally... it's impossible to deal with this on your own.

Something that no one has seemed to address yet, is that when you go through trauma repeatedly, your body gets addicted to the chemicals that are released by your brain and body during the trauma. During times of peace your body actually has withdrawals, and your mind will try to recreate the condition that caused those chemicals to be released.

It's kind of cruel in a way that our own body will do this to us. But it is like any other addiction, and the only way to really stop it, is to try to ride out the withdrawals by avoiding the "drug". When you start feeling these reenactments coming on, try to stop them as quickly as possible, and for as long as you can.

This is MUCH easier said that done. It is a real addiction, and you will really WANT to keep this mental anguish going. It's a perfectly normal side effect of sexual abuse. I know what you mean about not know the difference between what's real. Sometimes your mind will do ANYTHING to push you into that state so that you are creating a release of those chemicals.

Hang in there...it can be overcome, and there is nothing wrong with you. The abuse you suffered was wrong, but it's over now. All you can do now is try to heal.

Good luck..I hope you can see your way through this.

Butterfly Faerie wrote:Are you talking to anyone currently?

I've been in your shoes... not there anymore thankfully but I was stuck there for many many years....

It's important to discuss this with someone professionally... it's impossible to deal with this on your own.

We have a psychologist currently but I'm afraid we're going to have to go in another direction as meetings with her seem to infuriate the system because once she found out that there was some re-enactment she said that there had to be one personality responsible and staying in the here and now and not dissocitating and switching. That is a wonderful concept if you know how but she is just saying to do it with no how to do it. It has caused awful chaos. We have only been in therapy with her for 6 weeks and she kind of freaked when I mention some of the things and people involved as far as ritual abuse. We just got away from there to be in school.
I ordered a book on RA that I hope will be helpful as things have gotten extremely hard as of late.

Faepacific, thanks for the comment. I hope that it's not as you say an "addiction". To me it just feels that it is a need to gain balance and do what makes the horrible feelings stop. I don't get a good feeling, as a matter of fact it's the most awful thing. Hard to explain screaming to "please stop" and it's your arms commiting the acts. Very confusing. No wonder the psych is freaking.

I'm beginning to feel that things are happening to me as punishments for leaving home to go to school. Leaving home meant leaving my father and all those men and the rituals. Things have started to happen-- disturbing things. I see snakes everywhere. When I look a second time they are gone, but I'm constantly seeing them out of the corner of my eyes. Yesterday I went to lay down for the first time in 3 days, I began to hear sound pulses-- sort of rhythmic techno type stuff. I felt like they had drugged me again. I don't see how I'll be able to finish school and stay out from there. My being in school was my ticket away. Now I don't know what I'll do. I feel hopeless. I feel as though I'm being lead somewhere by the eyes, ears, and nose. I'm scared.

Alia wrote:i don't know how to feel really because I don't know if may be they really did love me and hold me in high regard by doing what they did. in a way i was chosen.

Alia wrote:I've began to feel guilty that maybe I have besmirched an honor or gift.

Please tell me you don't mean that. Being tortured is not an honor. They used you. What they did was horrible and they enjoyed it.

Okay, outside view. If they were doing it to some other little girl, would you think it was such an honor? Do they rape and torture her because they love her so much? Would you? Do you see any logical reason for repeatedly gang-raping a little girl

Alia wrote:I'm beginning to feel that things are happening to me as punishments for leaving home to go to school. Leaving home meant leaving my father and all those men and the rituals. Things have started to happen-- disturbing things.

It's not a punishment Flashbacks and stuff can start to happen, when you're safer. Your mind's just trying to sort out all of the crap that was done to you, now that you're away from them. That's normal. Can you ask a school counselor if there's any way you can lighten your work-load? Is there anywhere else besides school, you can go? Ask your therapist if there's anywhere you can stay? Look for a live-in job? I'm having loads of fun doing that

canolime wrote:Please tell me you don't mean that. Being tortured is not an honor. They used you. What they did was horrible and they enjoyed it.Okay, outside view. If they were doing it to some other little girl, would you think it was such an honor? Do they rape and torture her because they love her so much? Would you? Do you see any logical reason for repeatedly gang-raping a little girl

Wow, Canolime how do I explain this without sounding really cracked? The position that my father holds, being the leader-- that is what you are told. I don't know what the words are for these things any more than I know the chemical compounds in Jupiter's core. I'm fighting a whole lifetime of what I was told was real with a couple of months of absolute unreality. As far as if I saw it happen to another girl-- I believe I would go in and kidnap her and take her away from there. I always dreamed that someone would come in and take me away and save me. They didn't but I always had that vision in my head. Like in the musical Annie. At the same time I would understand that when you are born to someone who holds that position, you have certain responsibilities within the order. It's almost like your blood isn't your own and your body belongs to the collective. Sad, but true. That's why I would kidnap the little girl and hope that she could own her own body.

canolime wrote:Can you ask a school counselor if there's any way you can lighten your work-load? Is there anywhere else besides school, you can go? Ask your therapist if there's anywhere you can stay?

As far as lightening the load, that's not really an option with the financial aid that I receive. I'm required to carry a full load. I have thought of looking for somewhere to live that knows something about my problems. Don't know if one exists. Not a treatment type place but somewhere safe. I keep ending up with injuries that I don't know how I got. It's quite disturbing to think that I'm hurting myself and don't know it.

canolime wrote: Look for a live-in job? I'm having loads of fun doing that

I'm glad to hear that ! I was wondering how it was working out with your situation.

Due to a lack of time I have not read everything you have posted here so forgive me if I missed something.
First off I wouldn't call it and Addiction. If you grow up in a rocking boat, when the water is still you may feel more comfortable with the rocking just because it is what you are more familiar with. My mother loves to create ciaos because when things are clam she feels it won't last. She'd rather be in a storm because she's more used to it. Peace frightens her.
Seeing things can be a part of Trauma. PTSD. When my daughter died, I heard her cry for months afterwards.
With PTSD, I could be walking along and someones perfume would make me feel terrified. The smell triggered a memory. No danger around but the mind works on synapses and the smell connected to the memory, so that what I felt.en
Our brains are so complicated and are driven to make sense of things. You have been through so much Trauma. You are so brave and beautiful for not giving up even though you have painful memories. But the worst part is Over. You Survived. Now your brain is trying to make sense of everything that it was not allowed to in the moments the traumas happened. It wants to connect the puzzle pieces now that you are safe.
You cannot do this alone. Make sure that who ever you see truly understands what you are comfortable with. Some therapist recommend exposure therapy some do not. What ever you choose, the more honest and open you are in therapy, the sooner you can get it all out in the light to examine. There is where you can experience real RELIEF. Pain is so heavy, but addressing that emotional/psychological baggage makes the weight less and less and less and less little by little.
With Hope and Care,
One

Alia wrote:Wow, Canolime how do I explain this without sounding really cracked? The position that my father holds, being the leader-- that is what you are told.

I know. But it's all about head-games. They lied, to confuse you, so it would be easier for them

Alia wrote:As far as if I saw it happen to another girl-- I believe I would go in and kidnap her and take her away from there. I always dreamed that someone would come in and take me away and save me. They didn't but I always had that vision in my head. Like in the musical Annie.

Yeah, getting her away from them would be the right thing to do. I'm sorry no one did it for you

Alia wrote:At the same time I would understand that when you are born to someone who holds that position, you have certain responsibilities within the order. It's almost like your blood isn't your own and your body belongs to the collective. Sad, but true. That's why I would kidnap the little girl and hope that she could own her own body.

They had a responsibility to protect you. They hurt you, instead - not because they messed up, but intentionally. What they did, erases the responsibility on your part. Regardless of his position, you own your body and everything that comes with it. They own no part of you.

Alia wrote:As far as lightening the load, that's not really an option with the financial aid that I receive. I'm required to carry a full load. I have thought of looking for somewhere to live that knows something about my problems. Don't know if one exists. Not a treatment type place but somewhere safe. I keep ending up with injuries that I don't know how I got. It's quite disturbing to think that I'm hurting myself and don't know it.

Oh Yeah, I wonder if there's somewhere you can stay, for a while...
Well, it's not exactly you hurting yourself. How bad are the injuries? Besides the threats and kiddy-type stuff, you don't get any communication from them? No one will have a real conversation with you?

Alia wrote:I'm glad to hear that ! I was wondering how it was working out with your situation.

Oh, I don't have a job, yet. I still have so much to work out, before that. I'm not looking forward to how my mom will react to all of this

canolime wrote:Oh Yeah, I wonder if there's somewhere you can stay, for a while...
Well, it's not exactly you hurting yourself. How bad are the injuries? Besides the threats and kiddy-type stuff, you don't get any communication from them? No one will have a real conversation with you?

hi Canolime, the injuries have gotten a bit freaky and really kind of bad. I don't know what I should really do bout them. I'm really good with first aid cause I took a class but they don't cover stuff like this and areas such as this. You are not supposed to have cuts or burns down there.
I have decided that we will in fact have to go home. I know that is probably a bad idea on many fronts but I don't know what to do. I'm so alone out here. It's like I'm running from real-like memories of things that are just as bad. I have these injuries on me that are just as bad. I really don't know what to do. I feel like it's either go home or kill myself, and believe me the other is awfully tempting as well considering I don't want to be touched anymore. Is that the better option? Man, I don't know at this point. I'm so confused. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to hurt. I don't see how that it's possible for that to be except me to not be here. From where I sit, it appears that my life is going to be full of hurt either way. I don't know. I want to play with those kids.

Alia wrote:hi Canolime, the injuries have gotten a bit freaky and really kind of bad. I don't know what I should really do bout them. I'm really good with first aid cause I took a class but they don't cover stuff like this and areas such as this. You are not supposed to have cuts or burns down there.

Well, Madison and Fen mentioned who are causing the injuries. Could you try writing to Dolci and Castro, and see if you can get them to stop or at least not do it as much?

Alia wrote:I have decided that we will in fact have to go home.

No!

Alia wrote:It's like I'm running from real-like memories of things that are just as bad. I have these injuries on me that are just as bad.

Yes, except those memories won't be nearly as bad, once you work through them. If you go back, you'll just be creating even more bad memories. The injuries can be brought down.

Alia wrote:I feel like it's either go home or kill myself, and believe me the other is awfully tempting as well considering I don't want to be touched anymore. Is that the better option?

No

Think of the little girls You'll be bringing them back there with you. Madison really doesn't want to go back.

u tel me no wan go dady. me no go hom. me tay kewl. i wan toy. i no wan go hom to dady an momy.