Possibly Raped as a Toddler

When I was roughly 3 years old or so, I had a traumatizing fear of men that was honestly the worst case that I've ever had. I remember if I saw ANY man, specifically with facial hair and with other children, I would start screaming and crying and run to my mom and hide behind her. She would then have to apologize to the man for my behavior. This happened everywhere. The park, on a walk, in a store, at a jumpy house, at school, etc. For years, I never knew why I was so scared of men. I had some memories of one specific man at a park, but I never thought much of them at all and just assumed I randomly had this fear for no apparent reason. I asked my mom several times as to why I was so scared of men, and she always responded that she didn't know. She never took me to therapy for it and probably just assumed that it was a random childhood fear.

Just recently, I had remembered past sexual abuse that happened to me for years when I was younger, including sexual assaults and attempted rapes by friends, and even one possible rape by my abuser. I then began to wonder why I had been so scared of men as a child, and remembered the memory of a specific man that I interacted with before my fear began. Also, for context, the playground that this happened in was extremely large, there were 2 playgrounds, and a massive baseball field with a basketball court. Behind the playgrounds was a large area of just bushes and trees. The bushes were thick, and there were trails through them to get to the baseball field. Anyone could easily hide in them, and from my memories, that's where I believe I was raped.

I clearly remember being in a specific part of the playground when I turned around and saw him. I remember every single detail about his face and his shirt so perfectly. When I think of these things, I almost feel as if I am living in what happened, like I'm transported back to that day. My surroundings are so clear, and I can even smell the hot playground rubber and see the sweat on his face. I've never been able to remember things from my childhood as clearly as this. He was holding another little girl's hand, and I remember her very clearly as well. The man complimented me, he said nice things to me, and then, he asked if he could hold my hand. I remember being hesitant at first, but the little girl holding his right hand made a rude remark to me for being hesitant, so I took his hand. He started walking away from the playground with me, and my memory blanks at about here. I don't quite know what he did to me, but I assume that he either molested me or raped me. I have random fragments of memories of that event. One of them is with me laying on the tanbark in the bushes, looking up to see him over me, rocking back and forth, and being blinded by the sun because his head was blocking it, but when he moved, it would shine right in my eyes. But if he did rape me, wouldn't I have blood in my underwear, and wouldn't my mom have figured out that something wasn't right and took me to the doctors or called the police? Maybe she did, and she didn't tell me because she thought that it was best if I didn't remember? But now I am remembering and it's painful.

It does sound like you may have been molested (for want of a better word) which can take many forms. Full penetration sex would however be unlikely. Still may have hurt a fair bit and caused your phobia. Pretty sure your mum would have accessed police as well. Families may hide this stuff but outside the family it usually will lead to the authorities.
So yes, sounds like you were touched, and "violated" but maybe short of full rape.

and welcome, hope you find something for you here.