Am I paranoid?

Yeah... There's nothing I've found that helps my anger, I found billiards is a sport that helps me when I'm sad, and so does writing and art, and there's not really any other sport that can help me get my anger out without attempting to hurt someone physically or mentally. Nothing really helps me with my anger that I've tried. I don't like being a bully really, but I can't help it. It just makes me feel better about myself. I'd go out and cycle but my parents are paranoid, even before I told them about this, about me going out by myself, even on my bike. Another thing that really gets under my skin are adults. [Don't take this as a personal attack if you're an adult and reading this. I understand not all adults are the same.] Well, most anyways. I'm perfectly intelligent and am perfectly capable of talking about "boring adult stuff." My mom always raised me to speak like her and speak like adults. She's never talked down to me, never, not even when I was a baby. She raised me that way and I'm glad. It made me more mature than what I really am at times, however, I'm still a kid, so I'm going to be immature sometimes. It's just really hard for me to get over this anger with all these things triggering it. And it doesn't stop at home, my brother makes fun of me almost everytime I try to talk to him, ask him a question, etc. Every chance he gets he makes fun of me. It's just too hard for me to handle all this pain inside. I really, really, don't like my dad's side of the family too. They ignore everyone in my family except my dad. They always make plans with each other, but don't think of us, not even once. The only things we get invited to are parties, and I really, really hate going to those because I'm forced to hang out with kids that are 6, 9, and 2 my age, but one is so immature. There's only really one out of the kids I'm forced to hang out with that I don't mind. They always exclude my mother from conversations, things going on there, etc etc. And it's not just her telling me, I'm seeing it too. I always ask, how come my mother's not here yet, and they always answer, Oh I'll go tell her. It's like, you didn't think to tell her, did you? Baah! Thanks for listening to me... It really helps sometimes. So it's not just school, it's family too. I love my mom's side of the family though, we're like the life of the party. xD Everyone wants to come up to me and my mom and my brothers and my dad. But then, we never show up, because my dad's so annoying and thinks they "judge" him. It's clear they like him. *sigh* I mean, I'm not forced to play with any kids there, and I never do, but I always have a great time just talking with my aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Anyways... I'm trying to find something to get rid of the need to bully. Ugh. I also have a stealing problem a bit, not from stores, or anyone in my family, or not even my friends, but it's just random kids at school I steal from. Random things like, a few crayons, a pencil maybe, a candy bar, etc. Let's see... in the past year I stole a Sharpie, a crayon, 2 markers, a pen, a candy bar, a bead necklace, and a magnet. I don't need any of those things, nor did I want them, well, I wanted the candy bar. I just feel like they owe me for something, I don't know what.Well, I do steal from my family, but it's not really stealing - is it? It's more like borrowing and not returning. And some of the stuff I don't even like, but some of it I do. A cd of music, a game, a microphone for the comp, another game, a lot of games... Yeah... I have like 10 games that aren't mine. >.< I just can't help this and I don't want to anymore, but it's just the urge. 1) It's too easy! 2) I feel like they owe me and 3) I only steal when angry. *sigh* I have... a lot... of problems... I'll end it here before I go onto another subject... give you time to react lol.

Hmmm... Well, have you tried going to the gym to get rid of your anger? It might help.
And stealing is not right, but I can understand why you would feel like they owe you.
You feel like the world owes you for the sexual abuse and the bullying becouse they did nothing to stop or prevent it. And they should have. I would feel the same way.
We all find different ways to cope with loss. Becouse that is what abuse does to you. It creats an enormous sense of loss and grief, not just anxiety and other emotions. When you steal, you feel like a void has been filled for the time being, I think.
I'm glad your art helpes release some emotions and makes you feel better, that is really cool
Your dad's family should treat your mom better, but it's nice that you get along with her family. At least it's not all bad in that respect.

Yeah thanks! Normally I end up putting the stolen thing back.. except for the candy bar. But the only things I actually ended up with was the Sharpie... and a pencil. The Sharpie was actually something I found, then took, then claimed, but I never gave it back >.< Dunno if you want to read this next paragraph, it might not be self harm, and also, it's very triggering. THe whole paragraph. TRIGGERING TRIGGERING TRIGGERING TRIGGERING So don't say I didn't warn you!

I can't believe I do this, but I self harm too. I've never gotten serious to where I use a knife or some weapon, but I mean I do things like, ignore a soon-to-be infected sore, etc. I used to draw on myself with a pen until I couldn't feel the area. I also scratch areas around the sores to make new ones, I have like 5 sores around one, all of which aren't being tended to. I don't know why I don't! It's not a matter of laziness either, because I'll head to the first aid kit, then just ignore it. I don't know if you want to count it as self harm though, I do, but you might or might not.

I panic at night, every night. I am constantly trying to hide and I can't sleep without a little bit of light. But I am constantly looking all around and a lot of times I need to eat, go to the bathroom, etc, and I freak out when I go do those things. I almost scream a lot of nights, and I imagine things that aren't there. I have an overworking imagination.

I think I got most things out...

Take your time Talking about these feelings isn't easy and it can be very exhausting.
If you consider what you do to be self harm, then it sure is. And it's a way to gain controll over your body, the controll that was taken from you through the sexual abuse. And it can help release emotions.
Candy bars are nice...
I've found that the best way to gain some controll back is by accepting support and help. Making friends who understand you and have been through similar stuff. Talking about what happened and how you feel and knowing that others understand.
That's what you have here.

Yes candy bars are nice!

It's hard to know when it's all out, and when you think it's all out, either more comes or you remember more...

And when I drew on myself those murals were some nice pieces of art xD

Last night... rather this morning haha... my friend and I were talking... and we happened to get on the subject of homosexuals and how they get married and they do have sex... I had to tell him I couldn't keep talking, it was making me feel nauseous.

I had to turn on 3 lights just to get to the kitchen from my room, which the only room inbetween is the living room. I feel so paranoid >.< My door's almost constantly locked, my bedroom door, that is.

I'm never getting a good nights sleep. Ever since I remembered, I've had one, and that time I was woken up at 8am by my parents on accident... I couldn't fall back asleep.

I'm constantly panicking someone's trying to get me, whether it be at night, in the afternoon, or in the morning. I'm a living mess!

Everytime something makes noise on my comp that I didn't produce or know it was going to happen, I almost scream and my heart beats faster.

The good news is, for once, that I'm going to see a therapist. My mom only told her that I was having problems with the whole rape thing, but boy I got a surprise for her! She's going to be seeing a lot of me. I'm noticing my parents are hoping for a one session thing... they don't understand what I'm going through, not in the least. They're giving me all the support they can though, almost constantly asking me if I'm alright and such. Telling me it's okay and I'll be fine... They really want this done in as little visits as possible, but it's not easy to do that at all. I mean they're hoping for like.. 1-3 visits... it's a lot worse than that, the rape .. I won't be finished with that for a long time... seeing the current state I am.

Anyways, I don't really know what else to talk about at the moment. Oh, and I also wanted to thank you for listening to all my problems...

You're welcome
I think you'll have to put your foot down. Your parents probably don't understand how therapy is suposed to work. You should tell them that it's going to take a long time and you'll need to develope a trusting relationship with your therapist first. Then the healing will start.
You should ask your therapist if there are meds that can help you with your anxiety. I'm sure there are, you just have to find the right ones.
And you need to feel comfortable with the therapist. If you don't like her or what she has to say about what you've been through, tell your parents that you want to see another one.
This is about your health and peace of mind. That is what matters and you deserve to get the best care possible.
I guess the talk with your friend triggered you. It's normal and it can happen to anybody.

hey crazy4fun56...
i've be you been reading this thread for a while....and man have you pulled yourself through so much.....i think you're doing all you can to keep yourself going...got to hand it to ya.....

i just wanted to say....pour it all out....you're real lucky to have a therapist...and hope it goes great for you....

oh and i just thought that when you start hearing those noises and imagining stuff...well i mean when you're not having them...write down notes to yourself in big bold letters saying 'this isn't real'...or umm...something that gives you a sense of reality...so when it happens...you see this...it could help snap you out of that...i don't know...just suggesting....

Well, I already know the therapist, she's a good acquaitance of mine.. spelled that wrong but oh well... She's really nice and very good. I have a mostly trusting relationship with her so it won't take as long. I'm totally against meds... it's so.. unnatural... but I'll take them if I have to... The only med I'm willing to take is that propanlol stuff, the one that combined with therapy, can help make less stress from a trauma. *sigh*

I've heard good things about that med I hope it works. And you just have to tell your folks that you'll need more sessions.
Maybe your therapist could tell them, but she's not allowed to tell them what you talk about in therapy. You should ask her about both these things. I'm glad you trust her.

Oh really? That was my main concern about a therapist. I don't want my parents to know what we talk about in there <.< It's rather embarrassing. My parents want to be there for me too much, literally. Instead of going home or something during therapy they said they'd wait outside the room. I'm sorry but I don't want that. And at first, they wanted to be in there with me. I really don't want them knowing what we talk about.I mean... some deep dark secrets that I had might just come out