Am I paranoid?

I'm nervous to post, please believe me on that. I am going to therapy soon... but I don't know when... Also, if I posted in the wrong spot, sorry! Anyways

Hi, I'm Michael, and I'm 13.

When I was 5, my next door neighbor's son manipulated me and raped me everyday for 2 weeks. It hasn't bothered me until now, and I don't know what triggered it.

Anyways, when I try to go to sleep, every night, before I fall asleep from exhaustion, I am constantly looking around my room and down the hall and into my dad's office all from my room, scared that someone is going to rape me, once again.

And it usually takes me an hour + to fall asleep, and I always have nightmares, which are just the bad memories.

Anywho, I hear things that others don't hear, but they really are making noise. Example, my fan's on high and it's really hard to hear something, yet I hear a footstep from someone in the kitchen, who's barefoot.

Another example, my music's on, and I hear footsteps outside my door right now, but I don't think they're there...

I'm always like afraid someone's going to rape me once again no matter where I am. That is why I never use public restrooms and I'm always with my parents when we're out somewhere.

Everyday I'm home alone until about 4:00pm.

I hear things that no one else does - but are there. I remember one day, I was home alone for like, 20 minutes, but in that time this happened:
When I was in the shower, the bathroom door opened... by itself?
I came out, and I see a car with no one in it parked outside my house.
I also hear a footstep in the kitchen, but my cat is sleeping.
Nothing was really there, it was all coincidence.
The doors suck in my house and sometimes DO open by themselves, and someone was visiting that was a friend of my brother's.

Anyways...

Sorry, I rambled...

Anyways, I'm almost always thinking someone's out to get me and rape me again and I'm always thinking I'm gonna get kidnapped or something like that or like they're going to kill my family but rape me or w/e! Situations like that. I'm currently shaking because I can hear footsteps and like, banging on my window earlier and a constant tap and like someone's outside but I can't see them. And yes, I'm home alone. So.. am I paranoid?

You are not rambling. With trauma's like this a lot of the times peope can push what they have been through at the back of their minds, and say ok i'm fine, nothing is wrong etc. And then the memories resurface, and the pain sets in.

The healing process is so long, and it's difficult and painful. It's good you are considering therapy and know you will be going to help deal with the rapes and abuse you endured. No one can deal with this on their own, alot of people will put up walls and say i've dealt, but in reality they haven't they are avoiding bringing down those wall because they don't want to deal with the pain.

I've healed from my abuse and rapes, but it took a good 8 yrs of therapy in order to do that. I was then able to start a support forum for survivors, I wouldn't have been able to do that if I wasn't where I am not in terms of recovery... I'm also advocating now which is something I wouldn't have done a couple years ago.

Hang in there, you are on the right track when it comes to healing with the therapy. What you are feeling now is completely normal for someone whose been through what you have. *hugs*

Thanks so much! *hugs*

But I mean, it's bad when someone signs off a messenger and you're so close to screaming...

I feel like I am paranoid and I feel like someone is always there, always watching me.

I am having major mood swings this morning... and I don't really know why. I guess sleeping for 4 hours is not good, but then again, I couldn't help it... I am feeling rather depressed now, and I really should eat something but I'm too afraid somethings out there. Normally I skip lunch because I fear someone's out there and since I'm home alone- well, not home alone, but my brother is sleeping downstairs and he sleeps like a rock - virtually impossible to wake him up. Anyways, I just don't feel like I'm safe, no matter where I am, unless I'm with my mom. I feel like my mom is the only one that can fully have my trust and she just makes me feel so safe. I don't even trust my dad as much, even though his opinions on this topic are strong and clear, it still makes me weary of him. I don't know why. He's a nice guy and all, he's like, a really good dad, but I just... dunno.. can't trust him enough.

I don't think I can take this anymore being home alone, I might have to do something like, end up going to my mom's work or something until she can get me the therapy I need. I guess I remember what triggered the memories, but.. it didn't right away.

Last year, the principal had a talk with us about sexual behavior at school, apparently the kids a grade ahead of us were doing sexual behavior. They had told us what they were doing, and I remembered when I was raped, but I hadn't thought nothing of it.

Then, suddenly, someone had reminded me of school and I remembered the past year and that talk came back into my head and I think that's what triggered it. I probably never would have remembered it if it wasnt for the talk we had last year in school. Well, two years ago, the grade before last.

Also, I can't believe what is in my head. Last night I came up with 10 different ways I could have been raped, and every night I come up with new ones, but I can't help it and these thoughts don't leave my head and I end up not sleeping for the longest time...

Another thing, I feel like I'm addicted to drugs, and I've only had them once, second hand (BY ACCIDENT!), and I wasn't addicted until after I remembered this, really. And now everytime I think of the school especially it makes me REALLY want them and it makes me remember my rape and it makes me just have mood swings really.

Now that I think about it, it was triggered awhile before now, in fact, just during this school year, and I hadn't really thought anything of it, it just kept getting worse and worse and worse. I kept having these mood swings. Should have seen me at the end of the year, one minute I was happy talking to my friend, the next I was hitting at this girl (Yeah I know..Shut it. She made me really mad, was at least as strong as me though >_>) just for asking what we were talking about, and then I felt sad, then happy, then angry again, then happy, then regretful, then fine again. This was all within only a couple hours too >.<

Anyways, I think I feel like ... I don't really know. So much is going on inside my head I wish I could just shut it down, and I am jumping from topics so much, good thing they're related, because that is what my head is constantly doing. From one topic to the next every 3 seconds pretty much. It's hard to control and I just want to shut it down or something. Like a computer when getting lots of popups, just shut it down and reboot it later.

I also suffer from bullying, majorly, but I won't get into that here.

At first I was only going to post that little bit at the top, then I ended up talking to this much... wow...

The being worried about being alone at night etc is completely normal. I still get that way especially at night.

I have worries all the time about possibly being attacked again, worrying when I go out and no ones around I worry about someone jumping out and attacking me.

Depression is a common after effect as well. Alot of people who have been through something like that do often get depressed.

You could also be dealing with PTSD as well. *hugs*

When do you think you'll get in to talk to someone?

It shouldn't be too long, I'm not sure.

I just might be dealing with it, but I'm not sure.

Wanna know something funny?

I've moved more than people like 20 years of age, and I read somewhere that moving is as stressful as losing someone dear to you. So.. yeah... I've moved... 5 times, 3 since the incident of rape.

Hahahaha.... Anyways... I've dealt with so much stress it's.. unreal IMO. However, I'm not gonna say no one has worse than me, nor am I going to say no one has less than me. It's all opinions, etc.

I'm also a hypoglycemic, so being afraid to get out of my room is a bad thing, especially because I have no food in my room. >.< I'm just so afraid.

*hugs* You've done wonders. ^-^

Hi, crazy4fun56! What happened to you was terrible.
I hope you can get help soon, and I hope that it's a good therapist.
I feel like there's someone else in the house or room sometimes too, I used to be a lot more anxious than I am now. But things can get better.
I hope therapy helps and please know that we will be here for you

Hi! Thanks so much for your support! I really appreciate this!

I'm glad you're getting over it. I hope I can get over it soon, but I know that most likely won't happen.

I do hope it helps too, and I know you're here for me! Thanks so much!

You're welcome and I mean it You've found a good place here.
I don't know if it ever goes away completly, but it can get better. I know you're strong enough to beat this.

Well, my therapist and my mom talked, and after one rescheduling, we decided, Monday at 2pm I'm going to therapy. I'm nervous about what's going to happen, but I'm sure whatever it is, I'll get through this (especially at 60$ a session!).

I really hope that it work out for you.
But if you don't feel comfortable or if the therapist says anything that makes you feel like your abuse wasn't as wrong as others or not as important as anybody elses, you don't have to see that particular therapist.
Just my advice.
You can always tell your mom about how you feel and look for something better.
Good luck and you can always talk to us.