Processing trauma 11 years later *trigger*

Hi, I apologize for creating a new topic for this but I'm new to the site and I'm not sure where else to put this.

I am posting this because I am just now processing the trauma of a rape that occurred over 11 years ago and am overwhelmed... I feel like I need to tell somebody but honestly I don't know who I could possibly go to. I think telling my husband, friends or family would overwhelm them, and as I live in a foreign country, I do not have access to English-speaking therapists or counselors at the moment.

This is my story, I apologize as it may trigger people but I feel compelled to tell someone, even if it is just for catharsis....

Lately, I have been doing a lot of meditation and yoga as I have just moved to a new country and am not working. I have found that it has been digging up a lot of "junk" from my subconscious, a lot of anger over my childhood (my parents where authoritative and occasionally abusive), sadness about an old relationship I ended that I didn't even think I cared about, strong sexual feelings for people and other stuff... at times the emotions have been overwhelming but they have been passing.

Then, yesterday, something triggered my memories of an incident that occurred 11 years ago. Let me give you some background about the incident. This was in 2005, I was 22 years old. I was working in the local courthouse as a clerk at the time, and I was kind of dating this guy that I was head-over-heels in love with, let's call him "Kevin". Kevin was terrified of commitment, and we had a casual dating relationship but were not in an official "relationship". I was afraid of pushing the issue too hard in fear that he would leave me.

One day, at my work, a cute young local police officer who was 24 (let's call him "David") that I was talking to gave his number to my co-worker to give to me. I wasn't particularly interested, because I was obsessed with Kevin, but my friends coerced me to go out with David in the hopes that I might get over Kevin and avoid the inevitable painful breakup.

So one night, we went out on a date. I suggested a local sushi restaurant because he mentioned he had lived in Japan before and liked sushi. From the moment the date started, I was very tense. I did not feel comfortable around him, he was very intense. He began telling me how he served in Afghanistan (I can't remember whether he was in the Air Force or army) but he was telling me about how he saw people get killed. It was not easygoing first date conversation to say the least. Then he criticized the way I held my chopsticks, saying that if I held my chopsticks that way in Japan people would think I was a whore. At that point, I was thoroughly creeped out by this guy and was looking for a way out.

I don't know how we got to a bar in the city (it was 20 miles away) but we wound up there. I can't remember if it was my suggestion or his but we met up with one of my girlfriends and I felt instantly relieved that she was there as a "buffer" for my date so that I was not stuck alone with him. I remember her asking me how my date was going and how I told her he was creeping me out and I needed to get away from him. We went up to the bar and David started buying us drinks, but some Marine at the bar started flirting with us in front of David. I decided to try to hang out with them instead of with David so maybe he would get the hint and leave... next thing you know either the Marine or David had me and my friend taking shots and drinking, I don't remember.

This is the point where I must have blacked out. I remember being in the bar. Then I somehow was in David's car, and he was driving me back. I remember him saying he was going to drive us to where he lived, which was an hour away (I don't know why he didn't just drop me off at my house since he passed it). I remember occasionally waking up from nodding off in his car from the weight of my head falling, looking up at his car radio and then passing out again. I remember him driving down winding roads in the woods telling us we were almost at his house, and me being frightened because we were so isolated and I didn't know where I was or how I could escape. Next thing I remember, he was shaking me awake in his car because we were at his house. Next thing I remember after that, he was raping me violently in his bedroom, both vaginally and anally, with a force so violent I cannot even describe, and I only came out of the blackout because I was screaming in pain.

The next morning I woke up next to him, and when I turned over and looked at him I felt like someone poured cold water all over me. I was covered in bruises and scratches and my body was in pain. I looked around his bedroom and saw out his window that there were no other houses to be seen, we were isolated and I had no idea where we were. I was honestly scared that he could kill me. I tried my hardest not to freak out but I looked for my phone and tried to call a friend for help, then he woke up and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was just checking my messages. He told me he was going to make me breakfast and I said no, that's ok, I'm hungover and I feel sick and I need to do something with my family, can you drive me home? Finally I convinced him to drive me home - I don't remember anything about going home but I remember he told me that he did not want me to see anyone else and it was in a very threatening way.... I tried not to freak out. He asked me what I was doing for Easter (this happened just before Easter weekend) and if I wanted to do something, I said yes just so he'd leave me alone. Finally he drove me to my car and I remember the second I got out because I felt so relieved to get away from him.

I didn't do anything because I couldn't. He was a police officer, so who was I supposed to call, the police? And I couldn't tell my friends, because they were all friends with Kevin and I was terrified Kevin would find out I had sex with another guy (voluntarily or not, it didn't matter) and that it would end our relationship, so I got tested to make sure I didn't have any diseases or that I was pregnant, and after everything came out ok I buried everything and never came back to revisit it. I felt guilty and like it was all my fault because I blacked out and lost control, and if I hadn't blacked out maybe that wouldn't have happened....

It's weird because while I REMEMBER everything that happened I just never processed for 11 years that I was RAPED. I knew it was forced but I could never bring myself to think that I was RAPED but here I am and now I am processing all of these emotions and I'm like oh my God, I was actually raped by this guy...

Today I am feeling all of these overwhelming emotions, fear (I am freaking out and getting tense when I see anyone who remotely looks like him), tons and tons of nausea, panic... I feel like I'm out of my body and have dissociated myself with reality, I can't even focus on what is going on in my life right now, all I can think about is that he raped me. Honestly this has not happened in all the 11 years since the incident.

I want to tell at least one friend but I don't know what to do, I don't want to burden someone like that and I'm not sure I want anyone knowing. I don't know what to do but honestly not telling anyone at all is making me crazy. Thank you for listening.

Hi
I am struggling as you are. I was sexually assaulted 10 years ago. I have PTSD and the nightmares and flashbacks reappear every couple years.Unfortunately, I dont know how to heal or even offer any help to you. I do want you to know I struggled calling mine rape because I invited the guy in my home. I did go to therapy at least 3 times each for at least 6 months and the therapy that has you relive the event over and over again actually helped me for about 2 and a half years. The next time I tried CBT, it helped for about a year. It is a traumatic experience and I dont know if the panic and terror will ever go away. I find myself unable to have conversations with men now, so I think I need to go back to therapy. I wish I could offer you advice but I am struggling as you so many years afterwards. God bless and I hope you find healing.

Wish I could say more, but it was not you. Most people are lucky enough to never be in your shoes and they usually can't understand. You can have a great life, but you have peered behind the curtain that society holds up and seen behind. We are never the same as those who have stayed out from watching the show.
Take care.