New member..my story *TW* but questions about PTSD

Hello,

So I feel like this is the best place to start for me. I posted over in the OCD threads but never got a response so I wondered if here might be a better place. Here is my original post from that thread:

I'm a 23 year old female in a loving relationship of 3.5 years with the guy of my dreams. I've always identified, been interested in, chased after boys my whole life. No encounters or thoughts of being with a woman has ever crossed my mind. I don't have anything against any of it, just never wanted it and still don't want it for me. But this good old brain is being a jerk and convincing me otherwise.

So I was never a very emotional girl growing up, kinda stuffed the bad down and put on a happy face for everyone. I've recognized that I never had the highest self esteem either, which I know adds fuel to the fire here. Anyway, I've always crushed on guys and dated one in high school but college is where I really came into my own. I dated a guy for a month my freshman year but he was really into it and I wasn't so we broke it off. Then...*TW* I was SA at the end of that year by a guy and I thought I got over it, whatever

Sophomore year, I met my BF and it has been wonderful since. I'm head over heels for him. Sophomore and junior year go by and the summer after my junior year, I had a falling out with my best friend at the time and she stopped talking to me. On top of that, my BF was working an hour away so I barely saw him and I didn't realize how emotionally vulnerable I was. So I started hanging out with a mural guy friend of ours and feelings quickly developed and..at the end of the summer....*TW* I was SA by him. And my BF thought I had cheated but I was so numb and confused at the time I just kept saying nothing had happened and he finally believed me. So I spent my senior year basically devoted to our relationship (dependent you could say) and focused on school. Well I graduated, got a job, moved back home and thought life was great.

Until my parents sprung the fact that they were moving 4 hours away and that's when everything started getting out of control. I was stressed about them moving (where would I live, what would happen, etc). On top of that I was trying to figure out how to afford being an adult (yay student loans). And then my BF got a job an hour away so I became super clingy and desperate for him to be there for me and it freaked him out (I don't blame him). So it got to the point where once again he confronted me about that summer and I said nothing happened but that following week I had nightmares and boom, I knew I had to tell him. Well let's just say the way it came out made it seem like I had cheated and I wasn't even sure what really happened ( I was drunk when it happened). Long story short, we worked through the ups and downs over Christmas but my anxiety and guilt skyrocketed and I knew I needed help. (I know this is more trauma/ptsd related but bear with me). So I went to see a therapist and lasted two sessions because the second one she up and declared I was depressed and needed meds ( now mind you I am anti-meds for this situation because it's not something genetically caused for me, it was trauma. But I understand other people have different views). Anyway, that was traumatic in itself since I was telling someone I thought I could trust my story and she basically slammed the door in my face. And that my friends is where the obsessing began.

I became distraught over this idea of being depressed, what ifs flooded my head and I was so scared that I would become sucidal that my brain latched onto it and began flooding me with those thoughts. Which made everything worse. So I found a new therapist who has been helping me, but in the past 4 months, I've been obssssing over having this disorder or that one or what have you ( for example, I worried about becoming or being bi-polar, schizophrenic, having BPD, and then finally hopping to OCD).

So I was stuck on OCD in general for a while and my therapist and family and friends reassured me that no, it's not OCD. Yes you have obsessive thinking but it's not OCD (which I agreed with since I had zero OCD symptoms ever before). But then one weekend, I was struggling to be intimate with my BF and after we tried I was scrolling through social media and I saw a pic of a girl and boom, my brain says "oh you're gay, that's your problem." And it has been torturing me since.

At first it was just the thought and I didn't look at other girls or wonder. But now it's caused anxiety to be around girls, groinal responses, etc.
what is hardest for me is that I am to the point where I have pictured being with a woman sexually and it doesn't gross me out but it doesn't turn me on. It just is neutral. And like my mind tries to imagine living and settling down with a girl and once again, it's like neutral. Like I'm not repulsed, but I also know it's not what I want. Cause I've never thought that or have wanted that or anything. And obviously I feel disconnected from my BF and it's even making being with him harder.

I'm so freaking confused. I've never wanted a girl/woman like that. I've always been jealous of pretty girls and such, and I have always been able to appreciate a good looking woman but not in a "I want her" kind of way. More like "I wish I had her boobs, or hair, or smile or tan" or what have you.

But this crap has completely made a mess out of me and I just want to know that it's really all in my head and that OCD can be this freaking powerful to confuse the crap out of me.

Thank you so much and I'm sorry that ended up being so long.

oh wow..
absolutely OCD and trauma can cause all of this..
when something as difficult as that happens, the brain has a habit of trying to distract you from the trauma in anyway it can..
Obsessions can often occur simply because you're trying to control something when you feel that you don't have control..
You start questioning your very core and you break things down into tiny pieces, trying to make sense of things that simply can't make sense when you're feeling that way - so lost and confused.

I had/have a bit of anxiety over developing schizophrenia myself - though i know it's seriously unlikely and it's just my brain trying to fixate on something other than the crap it should be dealing with but doesn't want to..

I'm not good with OCD related stuff - I know too little about it but from what you've said that you know - you're straight and these thoughts are intrusive and unwanted..

I have the unwanted/intrusive thoughts sometimes.. mine are usually about self harming.. though i don't want to most of the time, the images are pretty compelling in persuading me that i do really want to.. I know how much they can mess your head up - they're so vivid that you assume they must be your real desires instead of unwanted images..

You're definitely not gay - that's very clear to me - because you're attracted to males.. considering whether you're possibly bisexual = very unlikely because while you acknowledge that females can be attractive, you're neutral - no feelings either for or against..

My feelings towards females are very similar to how you describe yours - i can look and admire how attractive one is but i don't feel attracted to them in the way i'd look at a male.

again.. i'm not too great with OCD stuff so i just hope i was somewhat helpful xx

Wow seabreezeblue, I cannot thank you enough for your reply. It really helped me just in general to hear that someone else has felt the way I have with control and obsessive thinking. I really appreciate you replying to me