Speechless

I was having a conversation tonight with the boy I am in love with about the rape and abuse that happened in my most previous relationship. He told me it was a tragic thing, but I shouldn't let it define me and I give so much worry and meaning and philosophy to it and events like it that I can't even walk down the street. And he's right. But it feels indifferent and kind of like a betrayal. I don't know what to say back to him after that. I certainly don't feel like I can open up to him again. What do I do? Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

I'm sorry to hear you received response that lacked so much empathy. I can't say I've had the experience of telling people about my past experiences go like that before but I can certainly imagine how awful that must have felt as I fear receiving a response like that too.

Could you maybe confront him about his reaction and let him know that you felt his response was a little bit lacking in empathy?

Have you considered maybe seeing a professional to chat about your past experiences if you agree with his comments about how it is still negatively effecting you currently?

I've been seeing one for awhile, and this is far from our first discussion about what had happened. He always listens but feels awful because he doesn't know how to comfort me/relate. Therapy is slow going. I was never timid before that relationship, but after all the awfulness I am now, and I'm afraid of opening up.

It's good to hear you are seeing a professional.

toefreckle90 wrote:He always listens but feels awful because he doesn't know how to comfort me/relate.

Your therapist or the boy you are in love with?

Non-professionals often don't know how to relate and comfort others that express a history of past abusive experiences. I know personally I've endured a lot of silence when I've told people about my experiences in the past. People just don't know what to do or say a lot of the time. I think sometimes it can help if you direct how you'd like them to react like "I just need you to listen" etc. There might also be some resources on the net maybe in the "supporting someone who's been through rape and abuse" vain? Maybe you could take a look (google?) and see if there was anything that had good suggestions about how people can support you and print some off for him?

toefreckle90 wrote: I was never timid before that relationship, but after all the awfulness I am now, and I'm afraid of opening up.

That is very understandable to not want to open up after having gone through the experiences you have been through. As you gradually work at communicating and feeling safe with people again I'm sure that you will be able to seek the support and openness you need in a relationship again, it may just take some time and work.

How are you feeling about the therapist you are seeing?

My therapist is a wonderful fit, and I regret I will have to find a new one when I move at the end of the year.

first of all big huggles, and i am so proud of you for being able to open up in the first place, you really have to trust someone to do that.

i too have had similar responses, and it made me feel very similar (i even had one break up with me because of it) but as the others have said many people just don't know how to respond as they don't want to do the wrong thing. maybe (and only if you feel you can do this) talk to him again, and explain what you would like from him in response, so that he knows that he is doing the right thing by you.

hope this makes sense.

big huggles
LouJo