Very Embarrassing, but need help

Hi,
My name is Holly. I was sexually/physically/emotionally abused by my older brother and his friends growing up. My Ex husband basically did the same thing to me during our 10 year marriage. I have a man I've been seeing now that I truly have feelings for and yet I can't perform.....it's a sort of female performance anxiety. When I was younger and went to the GYN, they almost couldn't do an exam because I had what they called Vaginismus. which is basically a muscle spasm, usually psychologically induced.
The problem is....I've never had an orgasm with a man having sex. Never. Not once. I'm 52 years old and I can't do it. I've tried lots of different ways and things. I really feel put on the spot because this guy wants to please me, and I'm not used to that. My Ex basically raped me frequently, and didn't give a rat's ass if I got anything out of it......so I got used to it. I'm a Nurse, but I don't know how to fix this.
I mean I can self serve without being too graphic, but I can't seem to get to the right place when i'm with him. What do I do that I haven't already done? I'm pretty sure a lot of it is in my head, by why? It's all very embarrassing.......suggestions please!
~Holly~

hiya..

Your history sounds really difficult re sexually related stuff and i'm sorry that you've been through all of that xx


Hmnn.. this one is quite difficult to give advice for.. how's the Vaginismus now..? No left over issues from this at all..?
No pain during intercourse or anything..?

I really feel put on the spot because this guy wants to please me, and I'm not used to that

This sounds very much like what happened with someone that i was with.. the person was so focused on pleasuring me that i felt obliged to please him to the point that sex was more about me feeling like an actress than being able to immerse myself properly in the experience.. do you think that this is what's happening with you..?

many many women, the majority of them.. find it impossible to orgasm during intercourse itself and need clitoral stimulation.. bearing in mind though that you say you can't orgasm with your partner at all = clearly there's another issue at play..

Do you think that it might help you to ask for a sex break for a while..? if you could try out having a couple of weeks where you're not allowed to have intercourse or genital contact of any kind with each-other.. it might help the pair of you to start a-fresh and allow you to discover each-others bodies without you feeling under pressure..

So; you could have 2 weeks off and just play with each-other for a little while.. long kissing sessions and slow massages (no genital contact).. candle-lit baths etc..

on week 3.. you could gently ease back into genital contact if you want to - no pressure again though..

do you think that easing the pressure like this could help at all..?

You are in control here.. the time period isn't a fixed one by any means.. if you want to jump on him after 4 days then go for it.. your pace though and by the sounds of things; your guy would happily try this out to make you happy.
xx

Hi cepticalblahblah,
I don't have the vaginismus with him, and I really do get excited...I really like him, and I find him attractive......but I too find myself being an "actress" at times. I know a lot of it is from the abuse, and needing to be in control at all times. Sex is all messed up in my head. I need to make him happy, but I really don't want him to see the real me....OK, I know that makes no sense. i think what I mean is I don't want anyone to see me loose control, like you do when you have an orgasm. It's embarrassing, and makes me feel out of control. Does that make ANY sense? I'm not sure it even makes sense to me LOL I know...I'm screwed up. Just wish I knew how to change it. We've tried some of the very things you described, and he is really patient with me, but that makes me even more anxious.

OK, I know that makes no sense. i think what I mean is I don't want anyone to see me loose control, like you do when you have an orgasm. It's embarrassing, and makes me feel out of control. Does that make ANY sense? I'm not sure it even makes sense to me LOL I know...I'm screwed up.

^^ honestly don't worry.. you make perfect sense and i don't think you sound screwed up either.. simply that you're having a normal reaction to abnormal past experiences.. this sounds very much like a trust issue to me.. xx

Can i ask a little about your alters in this relationship..? I was wondering actually if everyone is okay with the relationship or if there are any objections..
Does your partner know that you have DID..?

It's just that i was wondering if you're worried about losing control just in case you yourself literally lose control and an alter takes over.. do you have the ability to consciously oversee your system and co-operate with each-other..?
How harmonious is your system..?
(sorry if my questions are dumb.. i know only a little about DID)..

^^ honestly don't worry.. you make perfect sense and i don't think you sound screwed up either.. simply that you're having a normal reaction to abnormal past experiences.. this sounds very much like a trust issue to me.. xx
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Hi,
Well I definitely have trust issues...no doubt about that. Trust issues come with the territory I guess.
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Can i ask a little about your alters in this relationship..? I was wondering actually if everyone is okay with the relationship or if there are any objections..
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Actually, there are parts of me that "know" he's just using me for sex, and really doesn't care about me........
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Does your partner know that you have DID..?
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No....he knows about the abuse, but not the Dissociatve stuff.
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It's just that i was wondering if you're worried about losing control just in case you yourself literally lose control and an alter takes over.. do you have the ability to consciously oversee your system and co-operate with each-other..?
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I don't know for sure. I know if something hurts, or we are doing something that I had to do while being abused, I get ill, or feel really little. I guess I'm just afraid of feeling anything.
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How harmonious is your system..?
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Pretty cohesive unless I'm under a great deal of stress, which I have been lately. Then I tend to become more and more unhinged at the seams.
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~Holly~

Hi,
Well I definitely have trust issues...no doubt about that. Trust issues come with the territory I guess.

^^ they most definitely can come with the territory and often do unfortunately.. It's really really difficult to trust someone when you've been through severe abuse..
What strikes me as really important here though is this bit;

Actually, there are parts of me that "know" he's just using me for sex, and really doesn't care about me........

^^ what do you think of what those parts ''know'' ..? Do you agree or do you think that they're just scared and defensive..?

No....he knows about the abuse, but not the Dissociatve stuff.

^^ Is that because you're unsure of his reaction..?

I don't know for sure. I know if something hurts, or we are doing something that I had to do while being abused, I get ill, or feel really little. I guess I'm just afraid of feeling anything.

^^ warm but gentle hugs xx
I completely understand that one and have been through very similar myself.. i'm getting there in healing but now and then i feel so small again.. i also close down emotionally sometimes but not as often as i used to.. I do catch myself dissociating sometimes into my little safe place and have to force myself to stay with it..

Pretty cohesive unless I'm under a great deal of stress, which I have been lately. Then I tend to become more and more unhinged at the seams.

^^ that sounds really difficult to manage when you're under stress.. is there anything that you can do to settle your system a little bit when this happens..? an activity or something that calms you..

I think that sometimes with people who have been abused, sex can often become less of a pleasurable activity and more about something that you think you have to do because it's expected within a relationship.
Do you think that there may be an element of this going on here at all..?

Sbb xx

Hi scepticalblahblah,
I think he enjoys my company, and likes me fine....he definitely wants the sex which is normal, but he has been divorced only about 2 years, and it feels like he's still invested with his Ex-wife in some ways. Also, I had thyroid Cancer about a year ago, and I was in the hospital with pneumonia when they found it. We hadn't been dating long, but when I told him I might have cancer....he backed away, and wouldn't return my calls, saying he needed a break. He's got his own issues too. But I felt really abandoned when I was going through the cancer surgeries and treatments. After all was said and done, then he wanted back into my life. I think we are just at different stages. I have gone out with him since, but I don't have the same intense feelings for him as I did. KWIM? I am not the kind of person, who would abandon someone going through something like that. But that's me.
As far as him knowing about the dissociative stuff......I know how he thinks, and he would definitely not understand...he would think I was "Sybil" and run for the hills. That's not going to happen.
For me.....sex right now is something I feel obligated at times, just to go and be with him. I wish sometimes, we could just be together, and do fun things, without the expectation......because a lot of the time, I do have to use up a lot of energy for sex. My libido is low...don't know if it is because of the anti-depressants, being post menopausal or probably both. In the beginning of our relationship, we used to talk for hours. That was so nice. There wasn't any sex yet, and we were friends first. I have talked to him about this, and even though he says we can slow down...it never really works out that way. Sigh......I don't know.
Losing control during sex, and having insider come out also scares me. That's part of it too. I had pretty much resigned myself to being alone partner wise before I met this man....and that would have been OK. Now I'm not sure what to do.