Going downhill

Hi there.
Things are just getting worst day by day for me. I was raped two years back when I was 14 and I never told my parents bout it. A few adult friends know but that's bout it. They helped me get through a lot but I know they can't always be there for me. These few days are just really bad for me. My flashbacks are happening all over again and nightmares are killing me. I just don't know what to do. I would wake up with panic attacks and scratches all over me when I have no memory of whatever I did. I can't talk to my adult friends because they are so busy and I feel like I am suffocating. A touch without warning would send me jumping and starting to freak like a maniac. I haven't been like that in months. I feel so hopeless and so empty. I can still feel the pain in my dreams and how he suffocated and slapped me from time to time. Help me.

Madilyn, I am so sorry for what has happened to you.I hope you do realize it was NOT your fault.You were tramautically victimized and now are suffering in silence.Keeping the trauma bottled up isnt good for you.You need someone to talk to.A trusted adult,school counselor,rape crisis counselor.I immediate relative molested me as a small child.I am in my 40s now,and just recently brought this to my mothers attention.I think you should tell your parents and get the proper counsel.I didnt.I have PTSD..anxiety..dabbled in substance abuse trying to numb the pain..dated all abusive men..anger..depression..eating disorder issues...All these things stem from the abuse.I wish now I would have sought therapy years ago.The trauma just builds.It affected every aspect of my being.

HUGS to you Madilyn.XXXX...You have your whole beautiful life ahead of you.I wish you peace in life and a healed soul.

Its also not too late to report this person to the police and have them fully prosecuted.

Also therapy can help you cope with this trauma so it doesnt overtake and consume you,which it can.aDont let this dictate how you live the rest of your life.There are rotten people in the world.Sometimes bad things happen to good people.Uou didnt deserve this..You desreve happiness..light..love..and peace...XX

I didn't voice out to my family because the one who did this was a relative. I thought I was over it. My adult friends helped me through the worst times. It was almost a year now when I felt okay again. I just don't know why it's coming back. I do sports so it became an alternative to self harm for me. But I could run on and on till I would black out or get light headed. My anxiety because of flashbacks and so are so bad I would freak in public or start tearing up. There is this teacher who I trust and confided in but how can I bring myself to say I was raped and abused. And this happened two years back. She held me in her arms that day when I broke down in front of all my teachers in the office. My parents are control freaks, I can't talk to them. I wanna settle this myself. But sometimes my depression and anxiety are so bad I feel like I don't belong here and don't deserve to be. I know it's not my fault but I feel guilty for my inability to control my emotions.

I understand.My abuser was an immediate family member.When I did approach my mother about the abuse, she got angry with me,devalued me,then minimized the abuse.It honestly didnt change her opinion about the abuser,who she seems to think highly of.So it is a rock in a hard place.This kind of stuff wasnt talked about when I was growing up either,back in the 1970's,so that didnt help either.Plus it is an uncomfortable personal invasive subject to talk about with people.None of my longterm friends really know much what happened to me.They know I was abused,Im vocal with that, but they really dont know what happened.
My anxiety level is through the roof also.I am hyper aroused/hypersensitive.If startled,I stay startled.I dont sleep well at all.I constantly feel victimized and have the flashbacks also.I also dont trust men alot.I dont trust them with children and I know that is wrong of me.I just dont want you to end up like me,internalizing everything for so many years.Its like my deep dark secret that will never go away.It has ate away at my soul and being over the years,and I feel that it has ruined my potential at life because I became too fearful to finish college,devalued my own worth and got into abusive relationships,allowed people to minimize my worth and devalue me more.I became a victims victim if that makes sense..I just wish so much I would have sought some sort of therapy so many years ago.I think that would have gave me someone to talk to, a chance to grieve the abuse,validation that it wasnt my fault and that I didnt deserve that abuse,plus some coping skills..Chucking it on your own is hard..I did it.....I just worry and pray for so much better in life for you Madilyn...You so deserve to live life freely,with happiness and joy,without anxiety and being overwhelmed.XX