Not sure exactly what I can talk about? Possible tw?

Let me start out by saying that I knew my ex was a sociopath going into it. I have a psych background and majored in sociology in my undergrad and out of all of the mental illnesses in the DSM, ASPD has always fascinated me the most. I think it might have to do with my love of watching human interaction and social deviance, or maybe the fact that I'm an empath- I internalize everything and it's hard for me to not feel other peoples' emotions. Regardless, it was never supposed to get serious and I figured that as long as I kept an eye on the rising waters, I'd know when to jump ship. And I think he must have known when I was ready to bolt, because he threw a game changer at me. I made him feel things. And I am nothing if not a fixer of people, and that was all it took. How can I, someone who wants nothing more out of life then to care for people and help them, walk away from someone who wants my help?

Two years later I'm living in a house with this man who says he wants to marry me doing things I never thought I'd do. After he lost his job (due to authority problems) he spent a lot of time drunk. The night he sexually assaulted me was the only time he had ever wanted sex and I said no. He had spent so much time before that night looking for skinny girls to ###$ (we had an open sexual relationship) and encouraging my eating disorder that the idea of being with him turned me off. I remember he said to me, "For once I want you and I want you to want me, is that too much to ask?" And he slammed my head into the wall as he pulled my clothes off. And he kept repeating, "Is that too much to ask?" and slammed my head into the wall every time.

The rest is a blur. He didn't remember it the next morning. Thought I was overreacting. I should have gone to the hospital that night, but I didn't. I sat on the floor of the shower and washed and then just stayed there for a long time. I left him a week later and I moved away. The state decided not to take the case. I feel like I'm never going to be ok again. I just started therapy but it's been eight months since it happened. I have insomnia, terrible nightmares, restless sleep, hypervigilance, disinterest in leaving the house, guilt over masterbation (I've always had a really high sex drive) and panic attacks. I can't imagine ever being in a relationship again. I'm really worried I'll end up failing out of grad school.

Hi toefreckle90

It seemed you went through a terrible moment that included a loved one, to do that to you. It is not your fault by any means and you should not beat yourself up over it, and I hope things at present are going okay for you and that you've stayed strong (Even if you don't think you are).

I have not experienced this kind of thing before, so I can only understand. I have realized that these night terrors and other things that you have pretty much mentioned at the end of your post can become common once after experiencing such trauma.

I hope the therapist has helped you since, if not then is their the chance to confide with a family member or a close friend, I understand that you do not need to give out specific details but just the notion of letting somebody know can help or hopefully alleviate the burden for you.

Also do not be guilty okay, it is a natural body mechanism and regarding any future relationships that may take the course of becoming intimate, take your time and get to know the person. Maybe in time when you have established a strong trust between the two of you then you could consider to let your partner know about it then you can work on it together (If you have already done this then, fantastic, and I hope it has worked out and your receiving support)

Us Humans are complex creatures, we can be demons but at the same time we can also be angels- in a matter of speaking.

Hope this helps a little, wishing you all the best