Girlfriend was raped 2 weeks after we started hanging out.

Ok, so back in October I met this girl who would eventually become my girlfriend. Unfortunately, before our relationship could really foster on it's own, she was raped. She came back to me the night it happened and I went into support mode. It took over a week to convince her to go to the crisis center but she never did follow up with any of the services offered. She did improve over time on her own, (with my help); her panic attacks lessened, she seemed to be doing better intimately and sexually... however, our interpersonal relationship always seemed to suffer after the rape; we never really could understand where each other was coming from, and she would easily become stressed out and frustrated if I questioned her thinking or feelings. She'd had emotional issues before the rape. Growing up she learned to internalize anger and frustration, well after the rape that internalization soon turned into anxiety and panic attacks. So that, was basically the whole last 9 months of our relationship: her getting angry, or frustrated due to my consistent and apparent lack or ability to understand, "her feelings" and that nothing else matters except them in nearly every aspect of her life. Or, I would do something that would send her spiraling into a panic attack. Now, I felt she wasn't understanding where I was coming from quite often, and I wanted to offer constructive advise or suggestions but when she wouldn't "get it" which was more often than not, I wouldn't get frustrated or angry, I would just try to talk it out further with her, and present facts, and make rational arguments just for the sake of discussion, learning and growing... even if, she ended up not agreeing with me, at least she became informed, was my thinking. It all came to a head this weekend when she finally stated, ~"We are two different people, we consistently misunderstand one another. You were there for me when I needed you but you are also tied to that moment in my life. If the rape hadn't of happened I probably would have ended back up with my ex. I haven't had a chance to really get better. I am still emotionally crippled and I realized I really am in no position to be in a serious relationship or psychically/sexually close to anyone right now or in the near future. I want us to try being friends now as I don't want you out of my life, you're someone I care about a lot and love."~ I agree that there wasn't much time for her to heal properly in a few ways, and I don't disagree with a taking a break on "us" as in the terms of a serious relationship. I just want to use this time apart to further help her as a friend, and what I wasn't able to do when this all happened at the beginning of the relationship. I want to understand her better, I want to hear what she has to say and be ok with it. I want to have her feel like she can be happy around me and not like I am some parental figure, (she's 19 and I am 29, so there's that age difference). I want her to be honest with herself and to me about wanting to truly get better and how she can go about doing it. Clearly, stopping sexual contact/intimacy is a start, but what's next? I don't want to lose her as a friend and I don't want the door closed on us having the possibility of getting back together,because I love and am in love with this beautiful girl and I would do anything to help her and us be both emotional stable and functional people who can be in a relationship together. Setting aside all the "misunderstandings" we are great company, and are great sexually. We each still very much feel comfortable around one another and she definitely apparently, "gets me" more than I have gotten her. She's an honest person and a good soul. Am I correct in believing that due to the rape she's now dealing with PTSD symptoms that manifest themselves in various ways, like her feeling like I never understand her, or is it really more me and my/our ultimate incapability?

I'm really sorry that happened to both of you. And I hope that you can build a new friendship over time.

And. I hope this doesn't come across harshly. Because I don't mean it that way. I'm not sure of the line for you between being her friend and being her therapist. It can be helpful to have an understanding of what might be going on for her. It's great that you've been trying to be supportive. But your "job" as a partner or a friend isn't to help her heal. Or make rational arguments. Or require her to be "honest" in ways that you define.

Her reaction to her rape is her choice. She can COMPLETELY legitimately deny it happened. And that might be the right thing for her to do. Or she could say that she's over it. Or that she wants to tackle it in a different way and not involve you. And whether or not you think it's true, you may need to assess how challenging a friend should be. And where the line is between that and outright calling her a liar.

I don't see how she can be happy around you if you aren't comfortable with letting her handle this in her own way. My suggestion, bearing in mind I am just a random stranger on the internet, and don't know either of you at all. Would be to say that you're there if she wants to talk. And then NOT raise the subject again. This rape doesn't define her as a person. It's a thing that happened. And many other things have happened in her life. If you're insisting on her experience being "handled and processed" in a particular way, you're denying her control over it. And rape is already a huge loss of control. I don't mean that you're making things worse, or that you hate her or anything like that. I do get that you're wanting to help. Just, from what you said, I think the best way might be to just take this at her pace. And accept that there's a good chance you might never get back together. [Because pushing at that possibility is likely to close the door permanently.]

aikido83 wrote:Am I correct in believing that due to the rape she's now dealing with PTSD symptoms that manifest themselves in various ways, like her feeling like I never understand her, or is it really more me and my/our ultimate incapability?

I'll be brutally honest; it sounds like you were dumped by a much younger girl (one I suspect will end up back with the mysterious 'ex' you mentioned, who I bet is closer to her own age) and that's almost all there is to the story.

It also sounds like you're hopelessly willing to be a fall guy / therapist, and now that she's dumped you it seems that your plan is to turn into a friend / therapist harbouring probably all too obvious signs of wanting to be back with her.

Frankly, PTSD or not, it sounds to me like she's grown weary of your company. And 19-29 is a pretty big age gap too, that one was going to be bloody difficult to hang on to anyway. I'd just forget about her a bit, if I were you, clearly you're not what she needs to heal, and it sounds like she's put a full stop after your relationship.