I need help *Trigger*

I just found this forum and I just...I really don't know what to do about this and I'm not sure who to talk to about it. I'm sorry if it seems vulgar to anyone and if it triggers anything with anyone...but I'm not sure what to do anymore. I just really need someone to tell me what to do and to help me. And I'm sorry that it's so long.
Ok... To be blunt I think I was raped. I'm fourteen and a male. I'm actually pretty sure I was raped because I can remember it. I live with my mom, dad, and older brother. But, three weeks ago I was staying the night at my uncle's and my grandparent's house. My uncle and I are really close in age because my grandparents were in their forties when he was born. He's eighteen and just started college. Anyway, I was staying the night there and my grandparent's went to the casino like they do pretty much every Saturday night. My uncle and I were home alone and we were doing the normal things we do when I stay over. We played some video games, he told me about the classes he was going to be taking in college and stuff. Things were great until we were shadow boxing and I accidentally hit my head on the table. I was kind of dizzy a minute and sat on the bed holding my head because it really did hurt pretty bad. Enough to make my eyes water. My uncle started apologizing and stuff about it and got me some ice. I remember him making me move my hands from my head and face so he could put the ice on it and I did. He put the ice on the bump and I guess he saw where my eyes were watering because he asked if I was crying and if I needed to call my mom. I told him I was ok though and it got really quiet while he held the ice on my head. He's taller than me and since I was sitting on the bed, he crouched down in front of me and stared at me kind of funny. I remember smiling because I didn't want him to think I was hurt or anything like that. But, he didn't smile back at all, he moved the ice away from the bump on my head and kissed it. I had flinched because it surprised me he was doing that. He had then set down the ice and told me I should lay down. I was really confused, but I did as I was told thinking he just thought I was dizzy or sick or something like that. That's when everything happened. He had climbed on top of me and asked me if I loved him. I was really shocked by the question and I told him of course I did because he's my uncle. But he shook his head and asked if I really loved him...like in a special way. I didn't really understand at first because never in a million year would I imagine someone in my family asking me this. Plus it confused me because he has had many girlfriends and I know for a fact he likes girls, so I knew he wasn't gay or anything of the sort (He was actually known at school for having so many girlfriends). When I told him I didn't understand he told me he loved me a lot and that he wanted to show me how much he did. He then started to kiss me and run his hands through my hair. I had pushed on his chest because it felt very wrong, but he wouldn't stop. He had started to take off his clothes and then my clothes, even though I had started crying and asking him to stop a long time before that. It was when I realized finally what he was actually going to do that I started screaming and thrashing around a lot. He just kept whispering that everything would be alright and I could see a hint of guilt on his face. Like he felt really bad for what he was doing to me. It was after I was to tired to fight back anymore that he...well...you can probably guess.
When he was...done, I was still crying. It had hurt a lot and I remember I could barely move without it hurting. But, he had just laid next to me and curled up around me, running his fingers through my hair and shushing me like he was actually trying to make it stop hurting. And I hate to admit it, I really do, but I did take the comfort he was offering me. I wish I would have shoved him away from me, but I didn't. I actually hugged him back and cried and let him comfort me. I was still crying when he made me get up with him and I had never felt so much pain before. But, he brought me to the bathroom and made me take a shower with him. I remember shivering and wondering why I was because it was super hot water. He washed my hair for me and cleaned all of the...nasty stuff off. I still felt dirty though, even after he helped me dry off and change. I remember standing in the corner of the room while I watched him pull the sheets off the bed and bring them downstairs to the laundry room, then he replaced them with some clean ones. I hadn't wanted to lay back down with him, but he kept whispering that it was ok and that he would never ever hurt me again. We usually do share a bed when I come over and he said that unless I wanted my grandparents to know something was wrong, I needed to sleep with him for the night. So I did lay down with him and he turned off all the lights. He had laid really close and started saying sorry. He said he didn't mean to do it and that he shouldn't have. He promised me he would never do it again and then he had kissed the back of my head since I was having to sleep on my stomach from the pain in that area. I remember falling asleep after that...
That's why I need help. I don't want to get him into trouble. He is only eighteen after all and he's just started his life. I don't want my family to hate me. He's my mom's brother. My dad is a really nice and understanding sort of guy, so a trust him. So is my brother. But...I'm scared if I tell my mom she'll get mad at me for screwing up her family. I'm really scared because I have to go back this weekend and stay the night while my parents go out of town on business and my brother will be at a friend's house. I need help. Why would he apologize after doing a thing like that? All of the stories I've ever heard about rape was that the person was forceful and mean. But, he was really gentle, just stronger than me so I couldn't fight back. Why would he say sorry? I've always had a really good life and I've always been really happy but the past few weeks have been horrible. Please, if anyone knows what to do, tell me.

Hi AidenMiles,

You were raped. Please, take it seriously and think more about your own safety than about protecting your uncle. It's very sad that you feel that your family would hate you. You didn't do anything wrong. They should be mad at your uncle not at you. Your mom should not allow her brother to have any contact with you anymore and, if I were her and something like that happened to my son, I wouldn't have any contacts with my brother either. You and your safety should be your parents' priority, not your uncle. He was old enough to understand what he was doing and he is fully responsible for raping you. If he gets in trouble, he should blame himself and your parents should blame him, not you. I understand that being a 14-year old, as you are right now, it's very difficult to report this to child protective services. It's a very big decision for a young person of your age and it feels very scary. But this is one of those moments when you have to grow up fast and protect yourself because, unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your parents will protect you. If you are confident that they would hate you and blame you for everything, then I suspect you have a reason to feel this way and this doesn't sound good at all. The child should be confident that his parents would protect him at all times under any circumstances. Please, report this either to CPS or police. Don't even think about protecting your uncle. Take care of yourself because your safety is the most important thing. I hope you'll come back and respond because I want to know how you are doing right now. I am surprised that no one commented so far.

WM

Hi

I agree this is rape. I am so sorry you have been through this. I strongly think you need to tell an adult you trust as you need to get some help with all of this - it is very important. I know you dont want to get him into trouble but he crossed that line when he raped you and it is not your responsibility to keep him out of trouble. Have a think about someone you can talk to who will be able to help you. No one is going to hate you or get mad - they will want to help you. Please talk to someone OK?

Safe hugs

Cracked

AidenMiles wrote:When he was...done, I was still crying. It had hurt a lot and I remember I could barely move without it hurting. But, he had just laid next to me and curled up around me, running his fingers through my hair and shushing me like he was actually trying to make it stop hurting. And I hate to admit it, I really do, but I did take the comfort he was offering me. I wish I would have shoved him away from me, but I didn't. I actually hugged him back and cried and let him comfort me........................... I hadn't wanted to lay back down with him, but he kept whispering that it was ok and that he would never ever hurt me again. We usually do share a bed when I come over and he said that unless I wanted my grandparents to know something was wrong, I needed to sleep with him for the night. So I did lay down with him and he turned off all the lights. He had laid really close and started saying sorry. He said he didn't mean to do it and that he shouldn't have. He promised me he would never do it again and then he had kissed the back of my head since I was having to sleep on my stomach from the pain in that area. I remember falling asleep after that...

What you wrote reminds me of the first time my boyfriend raped me. Afterward, he tried to comfort me, to cheer me up, and eventually I let him, because I felt like I had no one else to talk to about it, so who else was going to comfort me? He also apologized and told me he would never do that to me again...

Honestly, you cannot trust this man; it does not matter that he told you he was sorry, he raped you, and he knew it was wrong when he was doing it. You cannot be alone with him. And I think you need to find someone to tell, that if you bury this it will just hurt you more in the long term.

If you feel like you can't tell a family member, if you think they will tell you you're wrong, blame you, or want to keep it quiet, go to the police and child protective services. Talk to someone at your school. Tell someone who will take you seriously, and if they don't, tell someone else, no matter what, until you get the help you need. DON'T GIVE UP. PLEASE.

Because this happened to YOU, and no one has the right to keep you from getting help and reporting this man. He not only was a relative, but he was an adult at the time and he knew better.

Print out what you wrote down on this forum, and take it with you when you talk to someone. That way if you are tempted to downplay what happened, to excuse it, or just find yourself unable to talk about it, just hand that person the paper and tell them that this is what happened to you, that you need help.

Just do it, take it from me, you will regret it if you do not. Please.

Gael