Tired of pretending it didn't happen. May cause triggers

by **shooting_star** » Wed Jan 25, 2012 2:53 pm

This may cause triggers, and is a little graphic.

When I was 15-16 I was molested by a neighbor. I would babysit his kids for his wife, and he was always doing something disturbing. I remember him grabbing me at times, but can't remember the specifics of it. He would expose himself to me on "accident". He had bought thongs and would walk around in them or try to show me them. Eww! He would say very nasty things to me. Things a 30 something year old man should not be saying to a child. Sometimes he would even say things in front of his wife. She never did anything about it, sometimes she would tell him to stop but it didnt work. He called me Sexy, and even told me that "we should get married and have sex". One day he said something that upset me so bad that I threw a full water bottle at his face and busted his lip. A different day I was trying to leave their house to go to work & he had hid my shoes so that I couldn't leave. I knew he did it and was so angry and fed up with him, and didnt want to be late for work so I started hittimg him with other shoes, a broom, and anything else I could get my hands on. His wife was frantically trying to find them so I would stop freaking out. She finally found them under the couch in the basement. I tried not to be alone with him. I loved his kids and knew them since they were born. Sometimes I would go over there even though his wife wasn't home just to protect the girls from him. He was mean and was always making them cry. He would make the 3 year old help him in the garden and when she didn't, he would put her on the roof of the shed or on top of the big garbage can and she would scream until I came over to save her. Those girls are the only reason I went over there. One day I finally stopped going over there. He was usually just saying things and usually didn't do anything physical. I forgot to mention that he would take pictures of me with his camera when I wasn't paying attention. I tried to get them from him but failed. His wife even found one of the pictures once and gave it to me. But like I was saying, one day I had enough. I was getting my shoes on to leave the house after babysitting. He had just gotten home to watch the kids and he said "I'm going to give you a kiss". I told him "If you do that, i'm gonna punch you in your face". Well he ran right up and grabbed me and kissed me, and I punched him in the face, hitting his tooth and splitting my knuckle open. I went home and told my mom and she said "You don't punch someone in the face, I should ground you for that". She also told me not to go over there then. I wanted to call the cops but she wouldn't let me. He was a felon already so I don't see the big deal.

A different time when I was about 13 or 14 I was at my great aunt and uncles house. We were all hugging and saying goodbye to everone by the door when my uncle grabbed my boob and grabbed me down there and said "bye". No one noticed!! I was scared and embarassed. As soon as we got in the car I told my mom and her boyfriend at the time. She started yelling at me saying "I don't ever want to hear you talk like that again." She said "he's drunk and he didn't know what he was doing". Her boyfriend stood up for me and told her not to yell at me and that she should be glad I told her. Well, she wasn't. She was mad! She also said that it was my fault since I was wearing a low cut shirt. Thinking back after that I remember when I was little, he was always having me sit in his lap. Now it makes me wonder what else he may have did that I was too little to realize. My cousin told me that her mom (my aunt) had told her when she was little not to be alone with him, and that she wasn't allowed to spend the night over there. She asked her mom why and she said she would tell her when she was older. Did he molest her too? We will probably never know. She was killed in a car accident not long after. Did he molest my mom and her other sisters too? Is that why she told me not to say anything? I don't think she would admit it if he had, and I know she would get angry if I brought it up. I hate pretending like nothing happened. I hate hugging him in front of family so that they won't get suspicious. I hate him for how he made me feel, and for possibly doing the same to my aunts/mom. I wish he was dead. How could he do something like that? I warned my step sister about it and warned her to stay away. I also warned my brother to keep my niece and nephew away. I would seriously hurt him if he ever touched anyone again. He was an alcoholic when he did that, and he doesn't drink anymore.

The last abuse was a couple years ago when I was 20 or so. I was sleeping with a married man. I knew it was wrong but I liked the attention I was getting. I never had a stable father figure in my life and the ones I did have had left. I think I was subconciously looking for the father figure I never really had. I was sleeping with older men and liked feeling protected and wanted. Maybe I was attracted to older men since I had been molested by older men? I'm not sure! Anyways.. Me and him decided to meet up at my house for consensual sex. The night ended with rape instead. When he came over he was unbelievably drunk. He could barely stand up and he reeked of booze. Right off the bat I felt uncomfortable with him being there, but felt bad that he came all the way over for nothing. He started kissing me and pulling my hair. It hurt but didn't say anything because I knew he was drunk and figured he didn't realize he was hurting me. Wrong! He got on top of me and bit my breast really hard. I screamed and told him to stop. He then tried to ram himself in me but he kept missing, causing me to tear really bad. I kept yelling for him to stop but he didn't listen. He then tried to have anal with me and I tried pushing him off and even scratched his back with my nails. The only response I got from his was "Do whatever you have to do". With tears in my eyes I knew it was no use in fighting. He wasn't feeling the pain and pleading wasn't getting me anywhere. I wasn't screaming at the top of my lungs because I didn't want anyone to know he was there. I was embarassed and ashamed for even getting myself into that situation in the first place. Then he bit me in the cheek and I screamed really loud that time. I thought my face was bleeding. For some reason that got him to stop. He got up and I told him to get out. He did. I called a friend of mine right away and started balling. I wanted so bad to report him but I didn't think anyone would believe me since we slept together before. I didnt' want everyong in the small town to know what happened. I didn't want people to know I slept with a married man, and I didn't want his wife to know. I was told she was suicidal and I knew that would probably set her over the edge. I was bleeding so bad I should have gotten stitches but was too scared and embarassed to go to the hospital. I didn't want to tell them I was raped. I wasn't even sure at the time if it was rape or not since I had told him I would sleep with him. I know now that it was indeed rape. He had the nerve to text me the next day and say "what your not talking to me today"? I told him that he hurt me and that no means no. He said he was sorry. That doesn't make it better. He even had the nerve to try and add me to facebook several times and would smile when he seen me. He finally got the hint and stopped.

I stopped sleeping around, and stopped dating older men. I found someone my own age and i'm in love. I have for the most part put the past behind me. For the most part I have a normal sex life. Only once did I get a little scared because my boyfriend did something that reminded me of the rapist. I'm thinking about seeing a therapist if I can find a way to afford it. I love my mom to death but will always wonder why she hadn't protected me in the past. It kills me knowing that the same thing could have happened to her. I'm sorry if this was too graphic or caused triggers for anyone. I had to get this all out. I haven't told anyone all of the details before and decided that it might be a good idea. Trying to forget about it and pretend like it didn't happen, doesn't make it go away. What I want to do is be able to say, ya it happened, no it wasn't my fault, and to hopefully keep things like this from happening to other people.

If anyone would like to talk, have some advice/need some advice, or just have questions go ahead and message me. Thanks for reading.

Tired of pretending it didn't happen. May cause triggers