sexual abuse, my father

There was no space and time to talk about sex in my family.
It was an unsaid taboo in our family to talk about sex.

I don't think such a family is right.
It is a wrong family.
I happened to be given a membership in such a family; my surname tells it.

Now I will return my membership.
I do not choose to have such a membership.

-- Fri May 18, 2012 8:29 am --

I had a sexual desire of having some touch on my breasts when I was at age 14.
I did not know where such a desire came from at that time.
I think such a desire came from a physical attack from my father and my twin sister.
They are alike. They like attacking people.
They are programmed to do so, but I am different.

I remember that I was on the stage in the hall in the junior high school.
I was walking towards the side of the stage.
I opened the curtain, and I found Mr. Kuroxxxx.
I lifted up my hands above my elbow.
I wanted him to grab my breasts.
I did not know where such a sexual desire came.
I think that it came from my father's and my twin sister's physical attack to me.
It is very sad to be physically attack.
My emotions were manipulated by them.

-- Fri May 18, 2012 8:34 am --

I recognize that my reproductive organ gets wet when it is stimulated.
Any human being does the same reaction when their reproductive organ gets stimulated. It swells and gets wet.

But I don't understand how emotions are connected with this physiological reactions.
When I massage my hands and feet, I feel good.
When my reproductive organ is stimulated, I feel good.

I felt fear during sex.
I don't want to feel any more fear during sex.
I want to feel calm and relaxed during sex.