sexual abuse, my father

I saw my physician today.
I've been intimidated by her several times.

My father had a power over me when I was little.
As a result, he abused me sexually.
My physician is a powerful lady.
She scared me.
I was afraid she will damage me as my dad did using her power.
But I need to learn not everybody powerful harm me.

My physician told me that there are a shortage of psychiatrist compared with other fields (dietician, allergist...). She said there is a large population who needs to see a psychiatrist; that is why they receive many referrals and they are swamped.

She referred me early January to a central system which overarching the different psychiatry programs in the different hospitals. She referred me to that system which is governed by Vancouver Coastal Health.
She said it's complicating because there are also different outpatient programs outside of this system.
But she believes that going through this system is the best for me. Once I am called, they will station me into an appropriate program.
I hope to get into a trauma-relatied program. I am also very interested in an art therapy program, too.
I can't wait to see a psychiatrist.

I think I have a black and white thinking.
When I see people, I categorize them as bad ppl and good ppl (who are nice to me).
But is this black and white thinking?

Now it's 2 18 pm.
I cannot sleep.
At night, black and dark emotion is coming out of my mind.
Black hatred against my dad is taking over me...
I want to do a revenge on him.
I hate him so much.

Letter to my father

Why are you here?
Why are you here to hurt me?
Why are you here to destroy me?
Why are you here to state that I am not worth?

You are my nightmare.
I am scared of you approaching to me.
You are a black devil.
You killed my mind.
I was just a little lovely girl.
You killed her.

Stay strong Mami. Your not the only one dealing with problems like this.
I don't know if it would help if I told you my story, but I think it helps to hear that others go through similar experiences.
I am 16 years old and male, when I was 6 I was raped multiple times by someone I trusted. When I was 4 my dad walked out on my family. Many of my earliest memories are of my mother self-harming. I have been bullied for years, and I still am.All those things occur in my nightmares and flashbacks. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. everything that happened (and happens) to me could be worse, and it hasn't killed me yet. I will survive and beat this and so will you.
Also, as a tip for flashbacks, have something with a strong taste near you when one is happening, like a strong mint, chilli or wasabi. If you start flashbacking eat it, the strong taste should normally snap you back into reality.
Good luck

Dyeus Ph2ter wrote:Stay strong Mami. Your not the only one dealing with problems like this.
I don't know if it would help if I told you my story, but I think it helps to hear that others go through similar experiences.
I am 16 years old and male, when I was 6 I was raped multiple times by someone I trusted. When I was 4 my dad walked out on my family. Many of my earliest memories are of my mother self-harming. I have been bullied for years, and I still am.All those things occur in my nightmares and flashbacks. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. everything that happened (and happens) to me could be worse, and it hasn't killed me yet. I will survive and beat this and so will you.
Also, as a tip for flashbacks, have something with a strong taste near you when one is happening, like a strong mint, chilli or wasabi. If you start flashbacking eat it, the strong taste should normally snap you back into reality.
Good luck

Hi,Dyeus Ph2ter
Thank you for telling me to be strong.
I want to be strong, because I want to survive.
I have hope in the future.
Someday, I might find a way to take back my power.
Someday, I might become true self.
Someday, I might get financially strong and buy whatever I want.
Someday, I might have friends who understand me and love me.

No sexual abuses should ever happen to anybody. But it happened to you, me and many survivors.
After traumas, we need to cope with its effects and reconstruct ourselves and our life.

I have some chilli on the shelf. I will try it next time I have flashbacks!

My memories in my childhood are fragmented.
It is like I have some pieces of jigsaw puzzles in my hands.
The pictures in some pieces in my hands have vivid colours and has clear shapes.
However, the pictures in other pieces in my hands have less vivid colours and unclear shapes.
In addition, there are many missing pieces.

The picture in which my father is making me masturbate his penis in our bathroom is comparatively vivid and clear.

However, I am not very certain if he has ever had a sexual intercourse with little me.
When I was raped in 1999, a lot of red blood came out of my vagina and the bed sheet had big and many stains.

Therefore, I assume he has never had a sexual intercourse with little me.
But I should ask my doctor if blooding is a 100 % proof of my virginity.

Hmm...

I want to tell my father. I want to ask my father.

Why did you want my breasts?
Why did you like my naked breasts?

Why did you want to attack me while I was asleep?

Why did you need my vagina?
What does my little vagina mean to you?

Hmm...

I need to reclaim my body.
My breasts belong to me, and not to my father's dirty hands.
My vagina belongs to me, and not to my father's dirty lips.

I need to reclaim my mind, too.
My mind belongs to me and to the real world.
My mind doesn't belong to my father and to his sexual fantasy.

I found that I have a strong anger and hostility against men in general.
I met a male coordinator today at Salvation Army.
I was uncomfortable. I hated him without any clear reason.
I think I projected my rage against my dad onto him.
I'm sure it'll take a long time to take away this rage and stop projecting it.
However, I need to deal with it...