sexual abuse, my father

My name is Mami...
I was sexually abused by my father.
I was also sexually abused by my twin sister...
I hate my name, because my parents named me Mami.

I masturbated this morning.
I am not feeling very well.
While I masturbated, my father's face popped up in my mind.
I feel very guilty to say this, but I wished my father will lick my clitoris or touch it.
I do not know if this wish comes from the fact I was abused by him or it this comes from naturally myself.
I don't want to admit that I want an incest.
This makes me feel sick.
No I did not want it.
My father violated me...

I cannot put up with flashbacks anymore...
I cannot put up with them anyremore...
I want to run away, run away where "I" don't know that I was sexually abused.

It's not that I violated myself.

-- Tue Dec 27, 2011 9:22 pm --

When I talk about my sexual abuses to other people who are not specialized to listen to such experiences, they frustrate me..
I think that is why it's important to talk to somebody who's specialized to listen to this experience and handle this experience...

Sexual desire...
My sexual desire was turned on by my father...
Any baby and child has a sexual desire asymptomatically.
It is a matter of when, where and how they are turned on...
My sexual desire was turned on in an inappropriate way...

I regret that it was turned on against my will.
It was turned on accidentally...

一番最初に性的なものにふれたのは、小学校に上がる前に、
神社の境内で遊んでいたときだ。
ポルノ雑誌が神社の境内に捨ててあった。
女の人が大股開きでいた、雑誌の中に。
大股開き＝性的というイメージがインプットされた。

I encountered sexual experience at the park accidentally.
A porno magazine was left in the shrine at the park...
Well... I think I was 4-5 years old.
My father sexually abused me when I was 3-4...
But I did not know it was a sexual abuse, therefore I thought the very first sexual abuse was at the shrine...

Well..the first time when I became conscious about my gender was when I gave a valentine chocolate to Kenichiro Nishikawa. I think I was 4 or 5 years old.
Physiologically my sexual desired was turned on by my father.
But emotion did not accompany with it.
It was just a physiological reaction

-- Wed Dec 28, 2011 2:07 am --

一番最初に禁止の命令を受けたのは、
三歳頃だったと思う。裸で恵理子と外へ飛び出したら、裸は駄目だと怒られた。
裸で何が悪いんだろう？

When I had an order of prohibiting for the first time was when I was around 3.
I went out naked with my twin sister Eriko, my mom scolded me not to go out naked.
Why going out naked is bad...

I hate her prohibiting and restricting my behaviour without giving any clear reason.

At the age three, I was my father's sexual toy.
He exploited me.
Since then, many adults exploited me sexually.
I have big breasts. I was constantly a target of sex.
I am very tired of being somebody's sexual object.
I want to end the period of being exploited.
I want to create a new era for my life...
New era for hope and recovery.

Keep fighting , dont give up, you can do this..!

Omnicell,

Thanks for cheering me up!
I'll definitely keep fighting.

I recognize that I cannot respect a man's reproductive organ.
My dad made me play with his penis with my hands in the bathroom.
He taught me it's a toy.
Since then, I consider a man's reproductive system as a toy, which is very disrespectful.
When I was with my ex-partner, I didn't show a respect to his penis.
Sometimes, I wanted to play with it.
I don't thing that was a right attitude.
I'm not sure how to treat a man's reproductive organ politely and in a respectful manner.
I am at loss.
My dad also played with my reproductive organ.
He's never showed any respect to my gender.
I hate such a treatment.
That is why I sometimes treat myself as a clown.

I've been thinking about my relationship, my general relationship with men...

My father was the first close man to me in the world.
My father is the only male in my family.
He made me engage in a sexual relationship with him in my childhood.
Since then, when I get close to a man emotionally, I feel a pressure I have to have sex with him.
My dad was the first close person to me and I had a sexual relationship with him.
But it doesn't mean that I need to have a sexual relationship everytime when I get close to men.

I want to have a normal relationship with a man.
I do not want to be sexually objectified.
I do not want to feel nervous with 'em.
I do not want to sweat in front of 'em.

A few days ago, I heard that my male landlord was singing in the side of the house.
He was with his daughter. My father's never sung a song for me or with me.
I wish I had a father who sings for me or with me.
I'd have been happy in my childhood.

I had a strong flashback this morning.
I was trapped around 1 hour.
It's just a feeling. Intense feeling of fear...
I'm scared.
My father comes back to my bed again and again.

Day time he goes to work. He tries to look normal,
but he has a hidden face.
I always doubt that others must have hidden faces, too.
With this suspicion it's very difficult to live.

Nobody knows how much I suffer from feelings.
Nobody knows how much financial difficulty I've had due to my disability.
Nobody knows...

Last night, before I fall a sleep, many thoughts came to my mind.
I think my father collapsed my mental world.
He sexually abused me.
He emotionally abused me.
He neglected his responsibility as a father.

I suffer from a very negative view of the world.

I recognize there are people who are not like my father.
They do not sexually abuse me.
They do not emotionally abuse me.
They do not neglect their responsibility as their role.

I need to surround myself with such people to mental world in order to reconstruct my mental world.

My dad made me masturbate his penis when I was three.
Since then, I feel I have to sexually volunteer for a guy.
I feel I have to sexually serve 'em.
I don't want to feel like this. No, I don't.

I have a deep fear against men.
It deprives from my dad's fearful treatment to me.
My dad is a devil.

He did not respect my personal boundary.

-- Sun Feb 12, 2012 5:44 am --

He merely enjoyed my physiological reactions, when he touched my body.
He tried to control me.
He tried to take over me.
For what purpose did he do so?
I have no answer.
I am not him.