sexual abuse, my father

I am so sorry for what happened to you.

Hi Aussie,

I received your compassion.

I am now in Canada. But I reported my dad's sexual abuses to the police in Japan through e-mail.
They say I need to come to the police station to make a report.
I need to go back to Japan.
But I don't have a job now, it is financially difficult for me to go back there.

It was not my choice that I was sexually abused by my father.
I really hate my father, Akinori. I think he should die and go to the hell, and burn to carbon.

-- Fri May 11, 2012 8:07 pm --

I know that I am dying slowly...
I know that I am sick...
My father molested me.
As a result, I have physical and mental disability.
The fact that I was molested will never disappear, be transformed...
This fact is very heavy on my shoulders.

I did not choose to be abused.
It is completely unfair.
I feel a strong rage.

-- Fri May 11, 2012 8:08 pm --

Because of my father, I am sexually dysfunctional.
Because of my father, I wasted a lot of time in my life.

I am not very sure if I can ever get recovered, however, even when I cannot see my goal, I need to move forward.

My father should not have molested me.
This kind of tragety and horrible event should not happen.
However, it DOES happen.
I am not the only one who was molested.
My twin sister was molested, other girls were molested, too.
I cannot tell a lie to myself.
I am not the only one.

This society let such horrible events keep happening.
I hate the reality, this society.
But I did not create this reality.
Some people made this reality.
The reality has nothing to do with who I am.

I am a very good quality person.

It has nothing to do with me.
Of course, my father owes me, but still it has nothing to do with me...
I don't want to take any risk any more.

-- Fri May 11, 2012 8:16 pm --

This society who keeps creating monsters and abuses are like a huge stone on me.
I feel I cannot even breathe.
I want to cut the relationship from this society.
I want to live in love. This society does not represent love.
I want to be surrounded by loving people.

It's all about relationship with others: how I can get reconnected with others.
It's not about how I make a revenge against my father.

I am with pains.
I am with pains.
I am with pains.

I am feared.
I am scared to see my negative emotions:anger.
My father damaged me, which is every severe.
I feel like yelling at all the guys in this world.
I feel like slapping their face...

性的虐待は、とても残酷だ。
人間としての尊厳を破壊する行為だ。

I cannot have joy.
I am suffering.
My father killed my mind.
I am mentally sick.
I cannot endure this pain any more.
I need to raise my voice!

When my mind reacts to my father's sexual abuses,
it feels that it wants to kill my dad.

When my mind does not react to my father's sexual abuses,
it feels that it wants to heal itself.

I have a choice to kill my dad or heal my mind.
It is my decision.

When my father abused me, my reproductive organ got too much sexual sensation.
That was too much.

I was not mentally prepared for that sensation.
I did not know what it is.
He has never explained it to me.
I did not know why he does such a thing.

Now I know that people give sexual sensation each other when they have emotional connections.
Definitely I have never developed any man-woman emotional connections with my father.
However, when I was little, I might have developed father-daughter emotional concoctions with him, which was easily destroyed by my father's attack. My trust was betrayed.


Somehow my father was programmed to attack his daughter.
I happened to be his daughter biologically and legally.

He attacked me as a daughter.
I was involved in this social crime.
So scary.
I can hear my reproductive organ is crying.
She cried when she was attacked.
She screamed when she was attacked.
She is still crying for the loss and the damage.
All I can do is to take a gentle care of her.

-- Wed May 16, 2012 12:41 pm --

I need to heal.
I need to heal very well.
I am breaking my mask.
I am scared to see what's under the mask.
But I will need to see what's inside.

Just because many people have sex or sexual activities, I don't think I need to have it.

Also, I was thinking, how it is inconvenient to have a reproductive organ just next to urinary organ.
When they have sexual sensation, they feel like peeing.
If a urinary organ is NOT next to the reproductive organ, we don't need to have such sensation.
It is very confusing.
Reproduction and excretion are two different activities.
Besides, I am not interested in reproduction right now.
It is fine not to use my reproductive organ for a while.
I use my excretory organ everyday when I discharge urine and feces.
I am happy that my excretory organ is functioning properly and it discharge unnecessary stuff.

My reproductive organ is working but I cannot see it.
I know that it keeps making eggs.
It discharges unnecessary stuff once a month.
I am happy that my reproductive organ is functioning properly.
I think that's enough for now.

I think I don't need to think about having sex or using my reproductive organ more frequently.