Need help bringing passion back

Believe it or not this post is in the right section. I've been married for 7 years to a beautiful woman that I dated all through college (who was raped when she was 15 or so but had put it behind her I thought) and we now have a two year old daughter that we both adore. Every aspect of our relationship seemed in really good shape to me a year ago, we almost never fought, we both laughed a lot, she had a little plan about how our lives were going to play out and it seemed like a great idea to me.
After the baby was born we didn't have sex for a long while and the passion and affection in our day to day lives ebbed, but I figured that was probably normal. Almost 9 months ago my wife came to me and said she doesn't feel that "in love" feeling for me, so I try to do little sweet things like send her emails telling her why I love her every day, etc, hoping it would reignite any sparks. A month later she tells me that she thinks because she was raped when she was younger that she doesn't want to ever have any sort of sexual contact again, she had flashbacks to her rape whenever we did anything sexual, if I couldn't accept that we would have to get divorced. This is the first time either one of us ever spoke of divorce in a serious sense. I was a distraught but I think I took it in stride, I told her if that's what she needed from me that's what I would do, but wanted to know if she still wanted to have more kids and how were we going to do that? She said she wasn't sure.
Over the next 6 months or so I never tried to push her to do anything remotely sexual, but she just seemed to get madder and madder at me.
About two months ago I just sort of mentioned that I was dealing with a bunch of bad feelings about our relationship, that all the memories that I used to think of as great days when we were so close she basically viewed as assaults and I had a lot of guilt for not seeing that. Things got better for a little while, we seemed closer and she seemed happier to know that I had been taking our conversation seriously.
A week or so ago, I don't even remember how it started, we were talking about our relationship and I guess I really shat the bed, somehow I was asking her what level of physical affection she was comfortable with (basically I felt like an seventh grader, will you make out with me?!?) and I said something that I thought was obvious, that I wasn't happy about not having sex and that I hoped someday that would change, but if I didn't I was still happier with her. She got violently mad at me and I admit I didn't handle my end of the conversation well, there was a lot of her saying "YOU THINK I DIDNT ALREADY TRY TO GET OVER THIS?!?" and a lot of me saying "If you can learn it (your association of sex with violence) you can unlearn it".
We have since made up nominally, I said I think I understand what you need from me, you need to accept you as you are and I do. She says "that's good, but I dont believe you and it doesn't fix anything and you deserve to be happy, but don't expect me to be happy now, the real problem is that since we had our daughter I now understand what true love and true passion is and I don't feel that for you. I'm not sure if I ever will and I'm not sure if I can accept a marriage where I don't feel that way. Nothing you can do will change that". I feel us drifting apart quickly now, so much so that I actually fear we might get divorced. I've suggested counseling for her rape and she says she doesn't need it, there's nothing wrong with the way she feels. I suggested marriage counseling, she says therapists will always just blame one person. I am willing to do anything to keep our family together but I just have no idea what I can do or say to make her happy. I really am okay with never having sex again, not happy about it but okay with it, but I can't stand this constant stress, and I have no idea how to get her to feel passionately about me if I can't even sit next to her on the couch. I would be forever grateful for any insight or advise anybody might have.

Heya,

My sincerest of apologies that you are going through this. Whilst I am sure that the rape is playing a role in this, I'm not sure that it is the main cause. Did you ever consider that she might have suffered post-natal/partum depression? It can last for months - even a year - after the birth of the child. I just don't think that the rape is the sole problem for your wife's falling 'out of love' for you. If it were just that, then she would more than likely have actually gone to you for help. Depression, on the other hand, can make a person feel unloved and can reduce their libido (I know first hand...). In the case of post-partum depression, it can be due to fluctuating hormone levels.

So... when your wife says that she doesn't need counselling for the rape, perhaps she is actually right. What she might need counselling for is just - well - everything else. The more you mention rape, the more angry and distant she might become. Try to sit down with her and ask her what exactly she wants in the relationship. From her answer to that question alone, I think you'll find out if it really is just you or actually a whole host of other, personal, thigns that is the issue.

TAke care
Kevin

I think that if it was just the rape there would of been problems before with sex. Is there anything else you can think of that might bring back the memories I go through times where I find sex hard.

Think the postnatal depression could be the answer.

Will she have any kind of intimate contact even when I don't want sex I like cuddling but get angry if the bloke starts talking or trying for sex.

If she doesn't want coselloring with you or on her own maybe you could try going by yourself give you some1 to talk with about your feelings.