Sexual Assault or Stupidity?

Quick note: I feel really guilty and self-indulgent writing about 'my story', it seems pathetic for me to be upset about this when there are people on here that have been through so much worse and come through strong. Still, I really need to write this somewhere and I could use some response from others.

About two years ago, when I was 14, I started seeing my 'first boyfriend'. I had had next to no experience with boys before, so I didn't know what I was getting into (I'd never so much as kissed anyone before, so when he told me he loved me after a day, I believed him). About a week after my 15th birthday, when we'd been together for around a month, he invited me round his house. He texted me joking about 'getting some time alone' and 'wearing something that was easy to take off' but I didn't think he was really serious, I teased him but I did say that I wasn't ready and I would probably just freeze if anything happened. We arrived at his house and went up to his room and he started kissing me, I'm not sure whether the word is passionately or ferociously. He started putting his hands on me and pushing me on the floor, and all I kept thinking was 'I'm way out of my depth'. Soon I was lying on the floor and he was putting his hands down my tights, I just lay there. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, in my head I was screaming just stop but I couldn't bring myself to say or do anything. I closed my eyes and tried to blank it out. After a while he stopped and looked up at me, asking if I wanted him to go further, I shook my head, and then he stopped. Later after I went home, he texted me to ask if I was okay, and I apologised for freezing up, he said 'you know my jeans have a button to undo right?'.

I thought that I was in the wrong, that it wasn't fair for me to be so frigid. He kept telling me that if I loved him I'd do stuff to him, and that he was so depressed and I was the only thing that kept him going, so I'd keep promising to do things but when it came down to it I didn't, never enough anyway. When he started seriously asking for sex, he ignored me when I said I didn't think I was ready, just replying with 'I'll always have condoms on me' and trying it on everytime I was with him. Lucky for me he always stopped, eventually, but it took at least 5 minutes of me asking him to stop before he did. I still blamed myself for his behaviour. One of the few times he showed his true colours was when he was walking me home once; he kept telling me to find somewhere quiet, I kept saying no, save it for another time. He grabbed my hand and held it so tight, he was basically crushing it. It really hurt and he got really angry, shouted at me, saying that it wasn't fair and I didn't understand how hard it was for him when I kept letting him down. A few days later, he came round my house and tried it on again. He got very close, but I didn't put out. After that he stopped talking to me unless he was actually with me, and eventually he broke up with me. I spent the next few months thinking of myself as a disgusting slag; I made myself sick to avoid school, and on three occassions I selfharmed.

In the last year I've found out that he'd told lots of people what we'd done, but obviously elaborating it to make him look like a hero, he made up a rumour that we'd had sex in the school toilets, and he cheated on me as well. A few months later, I found out that he'd pressurised two of my closest guy friends into oral sex (yes, he's bisexual). What really sickens me is he campaigns against homophobia and all these other issues, he has been on tv being called a 'homo hero' and he is even the young leader for my district. Everyone thinks he's amazing and they have no idea how manipulative he is.

What makes it even worse is that I kept it to myself until a few months ago. I found out that one of my best friends had had her boyfriend force himself on her, and now he was making up rumours about it. This happened about a year after it happened to me; I wish I'd shared my experience with her, and then she could've prevented it. She was so strong about it and she only let it happen once; she inspired me to tell anyone who mentioned him what he'd done to me. Unfortunately, there's very few people who believe that this 'hero' could be a villian.

Thankyou for letting me share my story. I realise that it is a minor thing compared to what some people go through, but this sort of thing seems to happen to girls (and boys) my age, and no one knows what to do about it because they don't think it is sexual assault. I would really appreciate feedback and advice and clarification on whether it is. It may have been my own fault in my case, but no one deserves to feel like they have to do something they don't want to do. We should be able to do something about that.

Hi, justagirl94! Of course it was not your fault, you were a young kid and you didn't know what to do. He is manipulative and violent, you're not to blame for what he did.
Your friend's ex is responsible for raping her, you are not. I'm glad you're telling people about what happened to you now, maybe it will help more girls be open about it.
How are you?

Thank you Jasmin, it really helps when other people understand.
I'm good thank you, luckily I now have a loving boyfriend who has really helped me get back to being me, I don't think I would've survived this last year if it wasn't for him. And I'm also lucky to have some amazing friends, although it can be difficult when they're mutual friends with my ex. I'd really love to forget any of it ever happened, but it's tough when he's still at my school and in the spotlight as much as he can.
It just makes me so angry that so many young girls (and boys) go through stuff like this and they can't do anything about it. It seems that even if they tell people a lot of people think they're making it up or exaggerating. Just reading the threads on here shows how many people are sexually harassed and abused, I just wish something could be done to stop it happening.
Anyway, how are you?

You are so right, people don't take it seriously and the abusers or harassers don't pay for what they did. It's really messed up and unfair. I hope you won't have to see your ex anymore soon.
I'm glad you have your boyfriend! Doing good myself, thank you.