'Memory' of sexual assualt, yet no physical sign of it?

Okay, I will try to make this short, as I really don't want to go through all the details again, but here is my story:

Last weekend I met a guy, who I am pretty certain spiked my drink. I say 'pretty certain' rather than 'know' because I have studied forensic psychology and know the statistics of how many times girls think they have been drugged when it really is just a case of overconsumption of alcohol. But, like I said, I am 99.99999999 % certain, and have many reasons for being so, which I will not go into, as they are not relevant to my post.

Anyways, I met this guy, and we had a drink at a hotel bar, and then at a another bar (which is where I think he spiked my drink). After that, despite not drinking a lot (I get a lot of anxiety from alcohol, so I only drink socially, and always try to watch my consumption of it), my memory goes completely black. Apparently though, I had called my best friend, completely whacked out (I thought for example that she was in our home country as opposed to the country that we live in for some reason) and in a euphoric state, telling her that I was on a boat and that it was amazing and if we should come pick her up. I don't remember any of this. I had been on the phone with her about 5 times, according to her, and she said that she had been certain that I was on drugs, although she had thought they I had taken them voluntarily of course. One of the times I had talked to her, she had called me, and I said as soon as I answered, "You just saved my life," and she had asked if someone there had made a pass at me, and I had said yes. Then later I called her and told her I was heading home, and refused for her and her boyfriend to come pick me and take me home. Like I said, I don't remember any of this, but here is what I do remember:

I remember sitting on a pier crying hysterically. I remember absolutely despising the guy who I had met, and him sititng in his car, telling me to get in, and me refusing to get in. After that, I found a bus stop and somehow made it home. The next day, I woke up, and tried to feel if it felt like I had had sex. It really didn't, not at all. There was no physical sign of it. I have been a celibate for a year, so you would think that I would've been able to feel it the next day 'down there' if someone had penetrated me.

However (and I have not told anyone this, not even my best friend; everyone who knows about the incident thinks that nothing happened, that I luckily escaped), I have a distinct memory (the only memory from the boat) of me lying on a boat, and someone having sex with me. It will come in my head with no warning, and play relentlessly. I am absolutely disgusted by it, and have been in a constant fear of dread and angst since the incident because of this 'memory'.

However, I think that it is really strange that it did not 'feel' as though I had been penetrated, so I am not sure whether or not this actually happened? One theory I have is that maybe I dreamt this after I got home, and therefore it feels like a memory? I am not in denial here; it just doesn't make sense for me to have been penetrated and not feeling a single physical sign of it the next day. On the other hand, I don't understand where this horrible replay of events comes from, if it did not really happen? I honestly, for a second, have considered having sex, just to confirm that I would 'feel' it the next day, so I could know that the memory of the sexual assualt I have in my head is false.

Honestly, I just want to know the truth :/ I feel as though I cannot move on from this event without knowing the truth, even if that means knowing that it really did happen. So, does anyone know if it is possible to have sex (after a year of not having sex) without feeling it at all 'down there' the next day?

Greggie wrote:I have a distinct memory (the only memory from the boat) of me lying on a boat, and someone having sex with me. It will come in my head with no warning, and play relentlessly. I am absolutely disgusted by it, and have been in a constant fear of dread and angst since

This sounds like a flashback to me. I think you should probably book in with a therapist to help you work through this. You are in distress from this by the sounds of it, and regardless of what happened, you will need to work through these feelings with someone who is qualified.

I'm not sure about the answer to your question of whether or not you would notice any physical signs the day after, but I would think if you were out of it, your body wouldn't put up any resistance to cause any "damage" or feelings of the physical signs of having been penetrated.

I have problems with my memory (due to abuse) and I have certainly been lacking any physical signs of having had sex, very many times the day after the event because I know I tend to go limp when in that situation (because of being triggered) and so there is very little resistance physically that seems to be what causes the signs...

I agree this sounds like a flashback from what you describe. Firstly please dont have sex to do a comparison as I think it will make things worse for you. I also agree it sounds like your drink was spiked and I have some experience in that field. I think it might be worth you talking to a rape crisis centre and seeeing if they can offer you somehelp to figure this out. As a just in case it sounds like you should also do a pregnancy test and get an STI panel done too. Thinking of you and so sorry you are going through this.

Cracked