An unconventional story...

Hi, I've never posted on any forum like this before, so pardon me if I say anything wrong...

I'm a teenager in my last year of high school, I have a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder (a combination of major depressive disorder and schizophrenia). This post concerns the first time I went to a psychiatric hospital due to my psychosis. I was about thirteen and was admitted to a horrible facility in terrible condition, and I did not see a therapist the entire three weeks I was there. I saw a doctor once, and she ridiculed me for 20 minutes before ordering me out of her office. But that's besides the point I came here to make.

Anyway, my first day there a male patient who was about 17 or 18 took a special interest in me. He sat next to me during the in-ward breakfast, introduced himself and asked why I was there. Of course I was still in a psychotic break at that time, I think, and the voices were telling me not to say anything or they'd use it against me...I didn't say or do anything in return but he kept making efforts to be nice to me. I had much bigger worries to deal with than some kid being overly forward, so I ignored him for a few days during which I got put into isolation. When I came out of isolation (they had forgotten to feed me for a full day), he got angry at the orderlies for putting me in there and tried to attack some of them; he was subdued fairly soon. The next day, however, he started grabbing my hands during in-ward lunch (he and I were the only patients designated never to leave the day room in daylight hours), his eyes were all unfocused and he told me that he loved me, that he needed me. Sufficiently freaked out by this point, I called over the orderlies and begged them to take him away, but they laughed it off and said that he was "just being Matt, don't mind him". Over the next few days he starting touching me in inappropriate areas and wrapping his arms tightly around my waist and breasts; I had never been touched in this manner before and I was so scared, but again the orderlies did nothing, they though it was cute that "Matt had a girlfriend".

This continued until one night, when I got taken off of 24-hour watch and was allowed to sleep alone (I wasn't allowed a roommate), I woke up to a disturbance in my room. Matt had snuck in (security was really lax on the adolescent unit) and he was threatening me with a razor that I had snuck in with some of my clothes I meant to cut myself with that he managed to find- I don't know how he found it, maybe I had accidentally dropped it somewhere. He told me he'd slit my throat if I screamed; laughing quietly in a bizarre manner, he ordered me to take off my clothes and forced himself on me. I eventually begged him to slit my throat anyway, to just kill me on the spot, but he stroked my hair and told me that I was "his special angel" and that he would never hurt me like that. From then on this cycle repeated for quite some time; he started telling me that he was the next great prophet, that I was chosen by God to be his Sarah and serve him as his faithful wife; the worst part about all this is that I believed him...and part of me still does in some way...what was I supposed to think? My mind was in a fractured state at that time and I genuinely started to think that what he was saying was true, that it was just us two against the whole world that didn't understand our greatness...

He got caught out of his room one night and the orderlies put him on 24 hour watch; in a fleeting bout of sanity I tried to tell them what he had been doing to me, but they told me that it was "all in my head" and that nothing could've possibly happened. I'm so confused; maybe nothing did happen? I'm so used to being told that the voices I hear and the things I see aren't real, this entire incident could've just been a complex hallucination...maybe too complex to be a hallucination...I sat myself down for a few hours and thought diligently about what kind of evidence supporting the incident being real and supporting the incident being fake, but I didn't come up with a conclusion... I don't know. I really don't. It scares me to think about it because I keep thinking God is going to punish me for not submitting to the will of the next prophet like I was supposed to do if what he was saying was true...wasn't I? I don't know what to believe, I can't separate my delusions from reality and I want to break down and cry just thinking about the whole mess. Even if I was "raped" I have no one to tell; my mother and father treat me like sub-human property because of my schizophrenic symptoms, I'm not allowed to talk to my psychiatrist without my parents in the room and I'm not allowed a therapist, I have no friends of which to speak and my teachers don't take any interest in me...what do I do?

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It soundss like it is very confusing to you and I am not surprised. How come you are not allowed a therapist as I think they could do you the world of good in helping you figure this all out. Whether this was real or a delusion you do not have to submit to someone for sex - the thought that you do is your mind playiing tricks on you. You say your teachers dont take notice of you, is there one that you trust and you could ask to talk to about this as it sounds like it is serious and needs to be sorted and if you dont have a therapist they may be your next best bet - unless you have a school counsellor. Please keep posting here too as ppl are listening to you. I am sorry you are going through this. Thinking of you.

Cracked