My (Long) Story, Warning on Triggers

I've had my results for awhile, but no internet access. I tested negative, thank God. I know the odds of my having that were low, but it was still a scary thought. I was saved from being triggered and getting all dissociated by the guys questions by my friend, she came with me and I'm really grateful for that.

I'm not as high strung as I was this afternoon, worrying about the test, but I'm not honestly settled or calm either. It's been like this for awhile, I can't sit still anymore, I'm always worried about something or always hurting. Starting tomorrow I'll be living with my parents and sister for 5 weeks, I plan to spend some time with Grandma and stay busy as much as possible, my friend has invited me to her house for a few days already, but it's still going to be hell.

I'm probably going to be going to the police in 5 days, at least I think I will right now, I might change that decision if I'm in too bad of a situation. My parents are really nosy about what's happened and I refuse to tell them because of how they've reacted so far. I know I'll be remembering more stuff. My Dad is irritated that I'm "letting" this affect me, that I'm this down about it, so we're probably going to fight. It just isn't going to be nice at all. I'm already counting down the days until winter break is over.

I just want all of this to go away.

I am so glad about the test result, that is really really good.

I know there is a lot on for you atm and I am really sorry you are struggling. Can you cross the test result off your list of things you have to worry about and tell yourself that there is one less thing on your list and it is a big thing.

Hugs

Cracked

I'm not doing well since I've been stuck at my parents house. I was at a friends for 5 days, from Sunday until Friday of this week, it was a great relief. I only really feel safe around her. Before I went to her house I started zoning out most of the time cus of the pain. It already hurts inside all the time, like my soul hurts, but with my family it's worse. I can't talk to them, my Dad broke down crying begging for his address to go murder him, whenever I get triggered or the body memories start and I react my sister gets mad but if I don't talk to her she gets mad so I stay quiet anyway, my mom can't understand. The minute I got back from my friends house it all came crashing in, because I wasn't zoned out, it was a mistake. They're planning on moving again, this is the seventh time we've moved in my life and I'm tired of it. They're leaving all their things behind this time supposedly, so at least no packing or cleaning. But my sister is trying to convince me I have to put one of my cats down and I have to give up my turtle. I was upset enough with that. I have nowhere to be alone here, I tried the car but my Dad came out and wouldn't leave me alone and I can't be upset in front of people and can't talk to him. When I went back inside I got on their computer to play Sims, my sister asked to borrow my phone to play a game on it. When she gave it back I unlocked it to text my friend, but it was already open to our messages. My sister had read them all. I confronted her, and she got defensive immediately. Things just spiraled, she was screaming at me from the outset, I never raised my voice. Then she calls me a spoiled brat and throws Aaron in my face. The fight happened between 8 and 8:30, the worst time it could've happened because lately from 8-10 I just get these intense feelings of fear and panic because it used to be bedtime I guess and I can't make them go away. She tried to trigger me on purpose, she knows it, and she hasn't apologized. It hurts a lot.

Many hugs Psalm

This can be a difficult time of year...

Cracked

I pray the season is as bright for you as possible

Thank you hon

Hugs

Cracked

Yesterday was horrible. The body memories started off really intense at around 8pm, they only went away for 20m at nearly 9am. It was like everything that ever happened to me was happening all at once, constantly, for all those hours. A few times it got visual, and once it was so real I thought reality was the flashback. I almost lost it. I made the mistake of taking a nap at 9am too, woke up from the night terrors, sick as hell, body memories worse than ever. I didn’t stop shaking until noon, and then we had to go to a store near the last place we lived, the place he’s been looking for me in. For damn lights for my sister’s room that she could’ve got anywhere! I was really tense, exhausted, sick, and terrified. I got in an argument with them over money, cus they wanted to borrow from me again. Mom told Dad I called her a thief (I didn’t), now he knows she took money from me. I only feel better cus my friend is talking to me. Now is the times the fear eats me and the memories start, I know they’ll come as soon as she logs off.

I remembered what it felt like to lose my virginity tonight. Like a burning knife. I can't make it go away. This combined with the feeling I'm being sodomized, like he's holding my wrists, forcing my legs apart, holding my ankles, and causing this intense pain in my right hand all at once is killing me.

It sounds like you are having body memories - I am so sorry. They are like flashbacks but you feel them instead. Do you have any techniques that help ground you when you have a flashback?

Hugs

Cracked

Yes, I'm just shaking too much to center...and the pain is distracting