My (Long) Story, Warning on Triggers

I usually go all day not thinking about it, it happens at night, days get messed up if I didn't sleep. Lately I've been watching a lot of old television shows, my favorite shows when I was younger, so it keeps me pretty upbeat during the day.

That is good hon

Hugs

Cracked

I've been okay the last few days, being able to go home in 9 days has helped. I've made a lot of plans that should help. I was hoping I remembered everything, but I know I haven't, body memories started again late last night. Only one thank God, but I got another this afternoon that was different. So I guess there are more pieces to the puzzle. I think I'm going to be okay, I have focus now, which I haven't had in months. On Monday it's my 21st birthday and Sunday is the 7 month mark for starting all this remembering.

Wishing you a really happy birthday Psalm and I hope this coming year is a good one and a fresh start for you.

Hugs

Cracked

I'm doing very poorly this week. I remembered something extremely traumatic and consequently erased everything again for a few hours, until my friends helped me find the documents I made to prevent that. Remembering again was very hard. The memory came back again about 14 hours ago along with another related one. A friend from off campus was over and helping me, he'd been visiting me every day because of how bad off I am, and right as I entered panic mode there was a knock on my room door. It was the hall director, an ra, and three cops. Apparently someone said he'd been living there for a week, he wasn't, he was just around a lot. The cops coming while I was like that triggered me really badly, cops have always been a mild trigger but with where I was it just exploded. Then for people I don't trust to see me like that made it even worse again. They made my friend leave because they didn't believe he wasn't living there, he's not allowed to come back on campus ever again. They wouldn't let me leave my room for a half hour after he left, meaning I couldn't go to the rest of my support system. The icing on the cake, there are tons of family problems right now too. So right after this I got to spend a half hour or so on the phone being screamed at by my father. I'm not in a very good place right now. I don't feel safe anywhere. I haven't slept or eaten. I feel really hollow and cold inside. I've been to my counselor and I'll see her again in a couple hours. I just don't know how to cope with all of this.

Saw my counselor since then, I still feel like total $#%^. I've eaten a little, but I'm not back. The memory is just so horrible, it's just so horrible and I'm all alone now.

Huge hugs Psalm

Do you want to talk about the memory?

Cracked

I think it's the worst thing I could've remembered, but at least I get the feeling that it's the worst of the worst. When I was 12 someone else got involved because they worked at the motel he'd taken me to once, when he took me again they said there were cameras and they worked out a deal about how he wouldn't give tapes to the police if he was let in. I think we went there only twice more after this memory, this one was from spring and it was in the winter of that year that I had the mental breakdown, he didn't take me to a motel much. His apartment or some abandoned place if it wasn't something penetrative. After the breakdown I still don't remember much until the last time, I just get this feeling that he changed tactics after that because I know at the theater when I was 14 he was nice and saying I could count on him and I could come and stay with him. He was trying to get me to run away, I think he did a 180 because he saw an opportunity to have me for the rest of my life instead of once every month and a half or two. That memory I had of the hotel, they took a turn and Aaron left the room after he told me to take a shower. The guy came in the shower and was trying to get me to do something else when Aaron walked back in. Even though I was told I was supposed to obey this stranger, I was punished for doing so when Aaron wasn't there. He tortured me with soap, it was really really really painful. My legs actually went numb when I was remembering...

Ever since the night the police came I flinch whenever I hear a sound like a knock on the door and I'll go out of my way to avoid being within 15 feet of a cop. I still get shaky and I'm still really upset. This all made me realize a lot about my parents and the way my family is. It's really dysfunctional and I feel orphaned now. To top that off I found out it was my best friend who told them he was living here, she never even asked me, she just assumed I was nuts and doing something crazy when I wasn't. I don't know what to think about that, things are strange between us now because I feel like she doesn't trust me anymore. There's just...so much...

Oh wow hon. I am really sorry to hear about that memory - it sounds awful. Really awful. I am not surprised it has freaked you out. For you now tho can you think of anything that will make you feel safe and secure? It is important that you do.

Hugs

Cracked

I was thinking "well at least my bestfriend is right next door, she'll hear me and come help me if I freak out". Then I found out she's the one who told the RA's that brought the police, and tonight I found out she doesn't believe me that the reason she went to the RA's isn't true. She's saying she doesn't trust me and needs time away from me to get over me lying to her face even though I'm not lying. So I don't have her anymore. Now I just suffer in here alone waiting for the knock on the door. My family is still off with me, even though they pushed me over the edge I still want them around, I feel like an orphan refugee. I hate this so much. I've had suicidal thoughts off and on, no desire to act on them, but thinking it is scary. I've hurt myself, I hit my arm on the wall when I was upset because I was in too much shock to actually cry. I'm in the same shock now, I had gotten over it, but I just found out about her wanting to be away from me tonight so it isn't surprising. So no, nothing here feels safe, nothing at all. Because the locks on my door can be unlocked by the police and RA's.