My (Long) Story, Warning on Triggers

How do I stay on top of things like this? Keep up with my homework, eating, sleeping, work, the research, all of it... I skipped classes two days and work once, it's just so much, too much. I want to hide in my room for a few weeks and not do anything. I want to forget again or go back and stop myself from remembering. I don't want to know anymore, I want the lie back, I want to erase anything anyone in my life knows about this from their heads so it'll be like it never happened. I want my life back, but it'll never come back. I'm tired of having to remind myself why I need to stay here, I'm tired of that being necessary. How do I stay on top of things and make all of the disorder and chaos go away?

Hugs hon

It sounds like you need a break - is there any way you can have one?

I think it would do you some good to have a break from routine and to get away somewhere - even if it is somewhere local, just to get away from things.

Cracked

I don't know, I have no money, I just know I can't do all of this anymore, I just can't.

5 hours after I posted that my family ganged up on me about pretty much everything, about what happened, about me not going to the cops (I changed my mind on that, can't handle it). I told my mom to take me back to the dorm like she promised she would and she wouldn't. I packed my stuff in my backpack and walked out (I was gonna walk to the nearest open store and call my grandmother to drive me back), I got about 50 feet before father was there, walking really fast up the side walk. I just kept back-pedaling, I didn't want to turn my back on him. He kept trying to touch my shoulder and I pulled away and kept saying not to touch me and I wasn't going back. He grabbed my arm and started pulling me and I tried to get away, he put his arm over my shoulders and I flailed away..it's a trigger. When he saw I'd panicked he just made some comment about me playing the victim. He forced me to turn around and look at him and he got an inch away from my face and was talking about me making a scene and said something about my misbegotten life, I was phasing in and out my head was screaming at me, flashing back, and Aaron's voice was there calling me horrible things. I got ahead a bit but he got behind me and turned me around and was shoving me back towards the apartment. I did everything I could not to move, he grabbed my back pack and turned me around and started pulling me by it, I slipped out of the straps and started running. He just said he had what he needed cus I wouldn't leave without it, and he walked the rest of the way inside with it. All I had left was my phone and keys. I didn't trust him not to come back so I cut around and through buildings to the back gate and got out. I got 200ft or so up the main road near the complex and was talking on the emergency line with my counselor, he pulled the car up in front of me on the side walk and made me get in the car...I have a bad history with people stopping and getting me into cars so I just did it. For some reason I thought he'd hit me with it if I kept going. He said mom was taking me back to the dorm, I just thought "well why the hell isn't she the one in the car right now then". He went in and she came out with my backpack, my sister, and the dog. Her and my sister just ganged up on me for a few minutes, then my sister stopped. My counselor said she'd call me back in a half hour when I was on campus. My mom kept guilt tripping me about leaving for 10 minutes before my sister begged her to turn music on. I finally got back and talked to my counselor a few minutes, I guess she was just making sure I wasn't hurting myself or something, and then I just laid staring at the roof for hours..

I'm not doing well...

My dog is dead now. He went to be neutered, the anasthesia reacted bad with his epilepsy and killed him. He was like a baby brother to me. He kept my sister from killing herself. Now she's 10x more suicidal and I can't go to help her because of what happened. I found out because my father called and just said "George is dead" and hung up. My sister texted me that there was no point anymore and she was going to go. It took me half an hour for my father to call, he forgot he told me and said the same line. I told him she was suicidal before he hung up and that he needed to call her therapist. He said to "take care of what's mine" and blew me off and hung up. It was over an hour before I got hold of my mom and told her and she said my father had made calling the therapist his idea and that they were gonna do that. That she'd stay up with my sister. If my mom goes to sleep tonight I could lose her. I don't know what to do.

I am so so sorry hon

Take a deep breath OK as you need to be calm in order to deal with this.

Please let me know how things are now.

Hugs

Cracked

I'm not doing well, I'm massively behind on homework, I haven't slept in two days, and time is funny. Like it feels like absolutely no time at all has passed, the time and date startle me sometimes, but at the same time each second feels like an hour. My sister's alive right now, I'm not getting much contact. They're all pinning what happened Saturday on me, saying I provoked it or something when i just said I couldn't talk about it anymore please take me to my dorm. I finally broke down for a couple hours, been waiting to feel upset for a long time, since the breakdown a few weeks ago I've felt nothing but numbness and tired. I'm back to numb though. My knee got hurt running from father, it's annoying. I scratched my arms again, I didn't mean to, I just freaked and everything is blurry. I saw a psychiatrist today, apparently my ptsd is a severe case, I'm getting put on an anti-anxiety sleep med combo. I see my counselor tomorrow at 4. I'm just lost, I don't feel like doing this anymore, I want to give up and curl up in my room for a few eons...

My grandma, the only one I can claim treated me right my whole life, gave up on me today. She said I was throwing my life away by not throwing myself more at school and she'd be around to say I told you so. Why am I still bothering? What the ###$ do I care anymore?

Hon I am really sorry

I think you need to tell the psychiatrist and your therapist that you are seriously not coping and what do they suggest - perhaps it might be good for you to go into hospital for a time - it might help you.

Many hugs

Cracked

I got some sleep, the meds work pretty well. My heads more together anyway. I'm not wanting to give up on life, just school and workstudy and the research fellowship. I'm not suicidal, just wanting more sleep, dying is a pretty bad idea. I spent all night out with my closest friends, I was actually happy as long as I was around them cus everything was normal and my mood was still better after I left than it was before I got there. Between that and finally deciding that the Christian view of God is a conflict of my life that I can't hold onto I've gotten a lot better, it was hard to feel like I deserved what happened because God didn't do something or that whatever purpose was worth the torture and I should forgive Aaron. Difficult to view God as just and omnipotent when a just omnipotent being would've done something. Letting that go has been really beneficial.
I just have to catch up on homework and spend tons of time around my friends I guess, seeing as I haven't got a family anymore. If I get suicidal I'll go the hospital route, I just have serious avoidant issues with those considering my horrifying experience when I was 12. I'm seeing my counselor in 5.5 hours, I saw her 4 times last week because she's worried, I'm just going to keep up that level of contact. I think I've finally finished recovering memories, if I want to I can go back to then now anyway. I don't remember every single incident, but over 8 years who would? I remember all the really different ones, if it repeated it's in my head somewhere and I could look at it if I want to I think (I just don't so I haven't really tried) but the first occurances or really bad incidents were the horrifying "I'm going to randomly attack you" memories. Since I'm on the meds and I've slept I can be kind of relieved that parts over at least. Just gotta sort out my life and recover from the ptsd. I'm trying to look at the bright side.

Things sound hopeful hon - keep going

Hugs

Cracked