People who sexually assualted me

Yes, maybe you equated what he did to you with love too. People's minds react in all kinds of ways because of trauma or fear or grief. I was bullied and told I was fat too, maybe that also had something to do with it for you.

Maybe you felt jealous of her because she was with him and she seemed more child-like so you thought she'd receive more love or like she was "another child" and she'd take love away from you? That is kind of what I meant when I said that stuff (I'm answering your questions at the bottom of your first post).

He sounds like a cruel, careless person... You're right, war must be horrible. Do you feel shame for other people too, or was it just him?

jasmin wrote:Yes, maybe you equated what he did to you with love too. People's minds react in all kinds of ways because of trauma or fear or grief. I was bullied and told I was fat too, maybe that also had something to do with it for you.

>>>Read

Maybe you felt jealous of her because she was with him and she seemed more child-like so you thought she'd receive more love or like she was "another child" and she'd take love away from you? That is kind of what I meant when I said that stuff (I'm answering your questions at the bottom of your first post).

>>>This guess might be very true. When I was very little, I got mad at my mom, saying, "You patronize my younger sis!" I felt my younger sis was receiving more love than I was from my mom just because she was younger than me. She was "another child" and she took love away from me.

I might have projected the relationship between my mom, my younger sis and I onto the relationship between the raper, his ex-wife and I.
My mother constantly invaded my personal space in many ways.
The raper also invaded my personal space sexually.
That's why my mind automatically might have equated my mother with the raper.

He sounds like a cruel, careless person... You're right, war must be horrible. Do you feel shame for other people too, or was it just him?

>>>Yes, I think he is a cruel and careless person. I don't appreciate people who enjoy or sightsee other people's unhappiness.
Do I feel shame for other people, too? Hmm...yes, I think sometimes I felt shame for them. I don't know why. When I am cruel, I don't feel shame for myself. I just try not to look at my own cruelness. When I am careless, I just tell myself I have to be more careful. When others are cruel, sometimes I feel shame for them. When others are careless, sometimes I feel shame for them. But not always I feel shame for cruel and careless people. It is case by case.

Hmmm, maybe you were projecting like you said. They did both violate your boundaries.

Did people tell you that you should be ashamed a lot as a kid?

jasmin wrote:Hmmm, maybe you were projecting like you said. They did both violate your boundaries.

Did people tell you that you should be ashamed a lot as a kid?

Yes, people told me that I should be ashamed a lot as a kid.
I don't remember what they said to me to make me fee ashamed, but I had a lot of shame on me when I was a kid... How can I release this shame out of my system?

I guess you could remind yourself that maybe you're ashamed for other people because of the way you were treated as a kid and you could build boundaries for yourself, to let you know that you're responsible for your actions but not for the actions of anyone else. It just takes time and thinking about it, talking about it. It's going to be ok.

jasmin wrote:I guess you could remind yourself that maybe you're ashamed for other people because of the way you were treated as a kid and you could build boundaries for yourself, to let you know that you're responsible for your actions but not for the actions of anyone else. It just takes time and thinking about it, talking about it. It's going to be ok.

I think I feel ashamed for myself because my father picked me to sexually abuse.
There are three daughters of him. My twin sis, Exxko was sexually abused by him, too. However, my younger sis, Cxie was not sexually abused by him. I feel I am the one who was picked for a sacrifice to God. God was my father in my family. He had power in our family. And I feel ashamed that I was chosen by him. I feel I was evil; that is why my father as an evil god chose me to toy with.

That's a myth that my system made up after I was abused. I partially still believe in this myth.
But I am an adult now. I think there's no clear reason why he abused my twin and me, and not my younger sis. I as an adult know that it was not my fault at all. I now know about the society. When I was a kid, I didn't know about the society, so I made up this myth in my system. In addition, my father made me isolated and shut down the information about the society when I was a kid. It was very easy for me to make up myth which is not based on social data.

It makes sense to me why I feel ashamed for myself.
But I don't understand why I feel ashamed for others.

>I guess you could remind yourself that maybe you're ashamed for other people because of the way you were treated as a kid and you could build boundaries for yourself,

hmm. what does this sentence mean?

I'm sorry your father abused you and tried to brain wash you. He's not a god, he's an abuser.
You're not to blame for what he did to you and your twin sister.

Maybe you know when other people should be ashamed of themselves but you're so used to associating any mention of shame with feeling ashamed of yourself, because of your childhood?
By boundaries I guess I mean thinking about this stuff more, figuring things out and growing as a healthy adult that way - understanding what is true, what's not, what's unfair to you.

jasmin wrote:I'm sorry your father abused you and tried to brain wash you. He's not a god, he's an abuser.
You're not to blame for what he did to you and your twin sister.

Maybe you know when other people should be ashamed of themselves but you're so used to associating any mention of shame with feeling ashamed of yourself, because of your childhood?
By boundaries I guess I mean thinking about this stuff more, figuring things out and growing as a healthy adult that way - understanding what is true, what's not, what's unfair to you.

Thank you for confirming that he is not God, and he is merely and human abuser. Since he was so tyrannical, I still feel awe towards him. He called me an idiot when I was young. He knew how to make money while I was child and didn't know how. He gave us food, hygiene products and clothing. When I was little, he was like a superstar to me. He seemed that he knew everything about the world while I was ignorant. He made me believe that. Oh my god, that's awful isn't it? He acted as if he was a king of our family. I respected him when I was little. I asked many questions to him, because I felt he knew everything about the world. He sometimes answered to my questions. Especially, he was into music, so I asked him a question like "who is the best singer in Japan?". His answer was "Yosui Inoue" (Japanese singer). But sometimes, he just said to me, "You would not understand my answer" when I asked a question. I remember when I asked about what stock in market is, he said to me this sentence. I feel I was insulted by him. I felt I was not smart enough to understand his answer. I felt ashamed of myself when he said this sentence to me.


>Maybe you know when other people should be ashamed of themselves but you're so used to associating any mention of shame with feeling ashamed of yourself, because of your childhood?

Yes, that is very true. When I was a child, I felt so much shame of myself. I felt bad about myself. I often felt humiliated by teachers and my parents. That's why when it comes to any mention of shame, my brain automatically associate it with feeling ashamed of myself.

My father did something that he should feel ashamed of himself by having sexually abused me. I still feel a lot of shame on me about his sexual abuses... I am very uncomfortable when I feel like this. I feel as if I am integrated to my father, and I am a part of him...

>I guess you could remind yourself that maybe you're ashamed for other people because of the way you were treated as a kid and you could build boundaries for yourself

I re-read this sentence again, and now I understand it. My depression deeply affects my language skills. It's annoying...

>I guess I mean thinking about this stuff more, figuring things out and growing as a healthy adult that way - understanding what is true, what's not, what's unfair to you.

Thank you for clarifying.
I think what is true is that my father did not love me, but he abused and toyed with me.
Also, the truth is that my father is not God, he was an evil human criminal who attacked little girls (me and my twin).

I am having difficulty to understand what's unfair to me.
When somebody treats me unfairly, I accept it and I feel ashamed of myself, because I am very used to being treated unfairly by parents, teachers and bullies. For example, today I was on the bus. I didn't have a bus pass, but I had a receipt to show that I have purchased one year bus pass for disabled people. The ministry mailed it to me, but it has not arrived yet to my address. But I know this one year bus pass is effective on March 1st. When I got on bus, I showed the bus pass program application and the receipt. But the bus driver told me to get off. But I explained to him. And he said I need to speak with his supervisor. He said that his supervisor is outside of the bus in the small cabin over there, so I got off the bus and went to the cabin. However, The cabin was locked and there was nobody inside. I have an impression the driver deceived me. I was very angry. But I also felt very ashamed of myself... I had a mixed feeling of anger and shame of myself

When I waited for the next bus, I did the same to the driver. I showed the application and the receipt. And he said I can be on his bus... I could come home and I felt relieved. But now at home, I still feel ashamed of what happened to me with the first driver. I was very shocked by his treatment to me, and I feel ashamed of myself. It's very painful to be treated badly and have to feel ashamed of myself. It is the same feeling regarding my being raped. I still feel ashamed of myself about being raped. It's very painful.....

He definitely is not a god. It sounds like he is an egomaniac and you're right, he is someone who abused little girls.
He tried to control you and the information you had access to, how much your socialized too, right? It's very disturbing. It's how they control their victims.

You don't have to be ashamed for abusers or people who hurt you, it is not your fault.

That bus driver is a jerk, don't know what his problem is.

Oh, O.K. He was an egomaniac and self-centred person. Thank you for confirming that.
Yes, He limited my socialization with others, in a way that he didn't give me enough money when I was a teenager, so I was not able to travel to attend information sessions for university and other necessary events. As a result, I didn't get the information I had access to.

I recognize that some people in this society is as self-centred as my father. I need to protect myself from them.

I'm glad that you read my long writing. When I wrote essays for school, some were granted prizes by the city. However, my father has never read them or gave me warm wards about my achievement. He's a jerk